Religious As Rain

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lotus
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Religious As Rain

Post by lotus » Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:29 am

my heart like a songbird-©silent_lotus.png
my heart like a songbird-©silent_lotus.png (105.36 KiB) Viewed 899 times
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

Macavity
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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by Macavity » Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:30 am

Lovely poem SL. Translates a sense of unfettered release.

thank you for sharing!

best

mac

1lankest
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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by 1lankest » Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:34 pm

Great snapshot. Love the lipstick lettering image. Confused about where religion fits, though.

You have a unique and impressive voice - and eye.

L

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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by Perry » Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:36 pm

I haven't critiqued one of your poems before because I was offput by the way you post them (as an image), and by the lack of punctuation and other conventions. As you've probably guessed, I like the normal conventions of poetry. In this case, you don't even use line breaks.

my heart like a songbird
religious as rain


lipstick lettering filled the rear window of the bus
no guards at the border crossing
NO COMMISSION at the black market money exchange


I wrote the poem into three statements because that is what there seems to be in the poem. I think the poem would be more effective if you wrote it that way.

It sounds like you live in a conflict zone, possibly in Israel or Palestine (I haven't looked at your profile), so I'm going to proceed on that assumption.

It seems that the meaning of this poem is simply "I had a good day", and thus your heart is like a songbird, and you are feeling religious. And that's it -- and that's fine. That makes a perfectly good poem. It is poignant, in fact. So my only suggestion is that you use at least one poetic convention -- either line breaks or punctuation -- to make the poem more accessible.

Regarding copyrights in the U.S. (I don't know about other countries), anything that you publish in your own name (or, in this case, screen name traceable back to you) is automatically copyrighted in your name. No need to put the copyright symbol on it.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

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lotus
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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by lotus » Mon Oct 01, 2018 7:39 am

Macavity wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:30 am
Lovely poem SL. Translates a sense of unfettered release.

thank you for sharing!

best

mac

dear Mac

it does me good to hear that vibe reached out to you

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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lotus
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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by lotus » Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:27 am

i'll arrive at St Pancras at 17:00 on October 4th ( National Poetry Day )
any other poets in London for the weekend ?

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by Jackie » Tue Oct 09, 2018 4:10 pm

SL,

I played with the idea that the first 8 words could have ended the poem instead of begun it, but it’s not really necessary. The rhythm of the poem starts building a series at the end with the two parallel pieces of evidence, and then leaves an ellipsis for the reader to fill. I fill it with those first 8 words. Their layout and coloring; their being lipsticked and “in your face” on the bus gives their concept such an overarching status that they’re with me at the end.

Enjoyed,
Jackie

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lotus
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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by lotus » Tue Oct 30, 2018 10:40 am

1lankest wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:34 pm
Great snapshot. Love the lipstick lettering image. Confused about where religion fits, though.

You have a unique and impressive voice - and eye.

L
dear L
sincere apologies
for being away from the screen for so long

Religious ..... fervent, zealous etc etc

many thankyuuus

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by churinga » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:53 am

Hi Lotus

I like the tension and hint of danger.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Religious As Rain

Post by lotus » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:46 pm

Perry wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:36 pm
I haven't critiqued one of your poems before because I was offput by the way you post them (as an image), and by the lack of punctuation and other conventions. As you've probably guessed, I like the normal conventions of poetry. In this case, you don't even use line breaks.

my heart like a songbird
religious as rain


lipstick lettering filled the rear window of the bus
no guards at the border crossing
NO COMMISSION at the black market money exchange


I wrote the poem into three statements because that is what there seems to be in the poem. I think the poem would be more effective if you wrote it that way.

It sounds like you live in a conflict zone, possibly in Israel or Palestine (I haven't looked at your profile), so I'm going to proceed on that assumption.

It seems that the meaning of this poem is simply "I had a good day", and thus your heart is like a songbird, and you are feeling religious. And that's it -- and that's fine. That makes a perfectly good poem. It is poignant, in fact. So my only suggestion is that you use at least one poetic convention -- either line breaks or punctuation -- to make the poem more accessible.

Regarding copyrights in the U.S. (I don't know about other countries), anything that you publish in your own name (or, in this case, screen name traceable back to you) is automatically copyrighted in your name. No need to put the copyright symbol on it.
dear Perry

thankyuuu for your in-depth/insightful kindness of reply

i appreciate your choice for formalism in creating poetry

first let me share that i live primarily in tranquility
and as a great majority of my life's path has been a spiritual advisor/therapist
i have dealt with the conflicts of individuals and world regions
and i am now 66 years of age
i was born and raised in Roosevelt , New Jersey
in a small town created in 1937 as a WPA project
designed by the architect Louis Kahn.....yet most of my adult life
was outside of America.

the decades where i also created visual art
it was primarily minimalistic in its nature , in printmaking, painting and sculptural expressions
always with the desire to assist people to find their own inner peace

an invitation to find ones own authenticity
is perhaps one of the beautiful elements of the poetic landscape of being
an invitation to the reader as well as to the voice guiding the pen

regarding my use of 'religious as rain" in the poem Religious refers to : fervent, zealous etc etc

your mention of my not using line breaks is perhaps that the poem is observational
painted by a loiter who takes in her/his surroundings
a canvas that allows the eye to wander beyond
the stretcher bars ..it of course does ask the audience to slow down and observe as well
yet without using punctuation as the guiding force to do that

having been a member artist for over 45 years of VAGA : The Visual Artists And Gallery Association
that internationally polices copyright infringement .... i have witnessed improprieties
and have experienced numerous times my poetry being placed on websites/blogs/zines
without my permission as well as it having been used without even crediting me as the author
and often with missing words/typos etc etc
this has brought me to choose to post the poetry as images and use the © symbol

by posting also as an image i guarantee that the fonts i choose are seen by all readers
and thus ensuring my visuals are not corrupted by computers that do not have
the fonts i have chosen


i am grateful for you offering me an opportunity to reply to your approach to the poetic landscape

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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