Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

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1lankest
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Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

Post by 1lankest » Wed Sep 26, 2018 4:58 pm

Revision

Chains cling to granite,
clink. A lost ground
between plateaus.

Sharp tufa.
Soft moss.

You preferred this hinterland
of wakefulness
I no longer
escape, not fully,

but descend and re-ascend
like it’s a hobby.
It’s not. Haven’t the shoes
anymore, the body.

I’m a spike
on the graph, a trough
seeking the flatline.

It’s not rain I hear
but footsteps on the hollow rock.
They quicken, encoded:

It’s time, they say,
there’s water
at the cave’s sump.
Find it, old man.


Original

Small hour. Chains
cling to granite, clink.
I hook-on, inch
through stages
of sleep

to the lost ground
between plateaus -
Sharp tufa.
Soft moss.

You preferred
that hinterland
of wakefulness
I can no longer
escape, not fully.

Thirst.
I’m the spike
on a graph,
the trough.

It’s not the rain
I hear but footfall
on the hollow pavement.
It quickens, encoded:

It’s time, you say,
there’s water
at the cave’s sump.
Find it, old man.
Last edited by 1lankest on Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

Perry
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Re: Rapid Eye Movement

Post by Perry » Wed Sep 26, 2018 10:10 pm

1lankest wrote:
Wed Sep 26, 2018 4:58 pm
Small hour. Chains
cling to granite, clink. (A creative way of saying "struggling into sleep".)
I hook-on, inch
through stages
of sleep

to the lost ground
between plateaus -
Sharp tufa.
Soft moss. (In this stanza you seem to be describing the layers of sleep.)

You preferred
that hinterland
of wakefulness
I can no longer
escape, not fully. (In this stanza you introduce "you", who I guess is your bedmate or significant other. However, you seem to be saying that you can't escape from wakefulness -- but in the stanza above you have fallen asleep, right?)

Thirst.
I’m the spike
on a graph,
the trough. (Now you are thirsty, but I am not quite sure where you [the narrator] is -- awake or asleep?)

It’s not the rain
I hear but footfall
on the hollow pavement. (Again, is this part of the dream, or are you actually awake? Or are you hearing things in the real world that are being incorporated into the dream?)
It quickens, encoded:

It’s time, you say,
there’s water
at the cave’s sump.
Find it, old man.
(This stanza now makes me think that what I thought was a description of the layers of sleep in stanza two, was actually a description of the dream itself. Also, I now assume that the thirst you feel is in the dream.)
I think that stanza two makes the poem confusing. At first, it seems to be a description of falling asleep, but the last stanza suggests it is part of the dream. Also, what is the significance of a dream about being thirsty? (is that a symbol for something?) And how does the "you" figure into the poem? And why is the narrator admonishing himself right at the end? As usual, I have to acknowledge that I am literal-minded and dense, so perhaps there are obvious meanings that escape me.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

Perry
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Re: Rapid Eye Movement

Post by Perry » Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:44 pm

No one's saying anything, so I decided to take a second look.

The title seems to suggest that this is all a dream. If so, then the confusion arises with the phrase "inch through stages of sleep" in the first stanza, which suggests you are just falling asleep and dreaming hasn't started. Also, "small hour" means to me the hours after midnight, and that suggests you start out awake in the poem. If the whole thing is a dream, then I don't think the poem needs much interpretation, since dreams are rarely comprehensible. However, a poem has to have a point, and the question becomes, Why is this dream significant?

You are a fairly prolific poet, aren't you? And you post your poems when they are still fairly new? If so, perhaps you should analyzed them for logical inconsistencies before posting them (if you aren't doing that already).
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement

Post by churinga » Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:46 pm

Hi Luke

Small hour. Chains 'Small hour' seems unnecessarily 'poetic' in its condensation, I would pefer the more natural 'in the small hours'.
cling to granite, clink.
I hook-on, inch I'm not sure why you would 'hook-on' to a chain, in dreams anything is possible but this seems to be about mountain climbing, I think the image is confusing and the is opening verse is off putting.

Thirst.
I’m the spike
on a graph,
the trough. I can see the pun with 'trough' but it seems slightly contradictory to be both the 'spike' and the 'trough'. 'spike' reinforces the idea of mountain climbing.

It’s not the rain
I hear but footfall I would have preferred the more natural 'footsteps' it also has a bit of dissonance but it's a minor point.
on the hollow pavement. Never met a 'hollow pavement'.
It quickens, encoded: Also 'encoded' requires explaining, How is the 'hollow pavement' 'encoded' or do you mean the 'footfall' is 'encoded', the syntax needs fixing. I think here the imagery gets a bit out of control and the reader is being asked to fill in too big gap.

I liked the imagist style of this, perhaps too impenetrable for some ( hence the lack of comments) I also like the title, which is a stand out.

cheers

Ross

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement

Post by Macavity » Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:06 am

Inventive writing Luke. The poem in some ways feels like expressions streamed from that sleepy, elemental world (excellent title by the way). The writer searching meaning from those primal codes.

Particularly liked
Thirst.
I’m the spike
on a graph,
the trough.



1lankest wrote:
Wed Sep 26, 2018 4:58 pm
Small hour. Chains
cling to granite, clink.............................solidity
I hook-on, inch.......................slow time
through stages
of sleep

to the lost ground................................threads to the hinterland
between plateaus -.............................threads to trough and granite
Sharp tufa........................connects to the watery thread
Soft moss...........................primal

You preferred
that hinterland
of wakefulness
I can no longer
escape, not fully..........................shadowlands

Thirst.
I’m the spike
on a graph,
the trough.

It’s not the rain
I hear but footfall.................................disorientation, trying to key into this 'reality'
on the hollow pavement......................no firm ground, some of the feel made me think of Eliot
It quickens, encoded:

It’s time, you say,
there’s water
at the cave’s sump.
Find it, old man.
muchly enjoyed

mac

1lankest
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Re: Rapid Eye Movement

Post by 1lankest » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:46 am

“And you post your poems when they are still fairly new? If so, perhaps you should analyzed them for logical inconsistencies before posting them (if you aren't doing that already).”

This one’s about two years old, Perry.

Thanks Ross, some valid points - taken.

Mac, thanks a lot. Not sure what I’d do without you! Give up, probably.

I’ve revised it based on Ross and Perry’s comments. Second guessing it since Mac spoke but see what you think.

Thanks all.

Luke

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

Post by Perry » Mon Oct 01, 2018 10:52 am

Unfortunately, your revised version doesn't make much more sense to me than the original did.
If I forget to come back to critique your revised poem, don't hesitate to send me a note.

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

Post by churinga » Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:06 am

Hi Luke

I like the revision, it is still slightly surreal and dreamlike but is also simply two people hiking. I like how the terrain echoes/symbolizes the couple's relationship.
I think it is now much more accessible to the reader.
I have never much liked 'dreams' as subject matter. Everyone raved about Fellini's dreamlike films but all i kept saying to myself in the movie house was where's the bloody plot?

cheers

Ross

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

Post by ray miller » Tue Oct 02, 2018 9:15 am

You preferred this hinterland
of wakefulness
I no longer
escape, not fully,

but descend and re-ascend
like it’s a hobby.
It’s not. Haven’t the shoes
anymore, the body.

I’m a spike
on the graph, a trough
seeking the flatline.

That's the part of the poem I enjoyed and more or less understand. It would be enough for me. Probably not for you!
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

Post by Mirrorball » Tue Oct 02, 2018 7:49 pm

I'm impressed again Luke, perhaps because I'm just about reaching the point where I dream about what I used to be able to do. I like both revisions and I think Ray's version is a good option too if you want to minimize.

As well as mountainous sleep patterns, I also read mood patterns in the poem too. The old man being a particularly low point.

Perhaps N could be a silver climber in retirement and that's something to have pleasant dreams about. :)

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Re: Rapid Eye Movement (revised)

Post by 1lankest » Mon Oct 08, 2018 1:20 pm

Thanks mirror, Ray. I like your edit, Ray. Think I’ll go with it if you’ll allow me...

L

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