Finally after twenty years of listening to jazz

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.

Finally after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby 1lankest » Mon May 21, 2018 4:38 pm

I understand what they meant, those connoisseurs
who lived in an unquenchable mist of hyper-intellect
and old money. Poisoned spoons crosshatched
on an ornamental salver, polished silver, served up
by an expensive school as those that got away,
damned introverts, doomed.
There was ‘Gus Malay
who inadvertently shanked himself in the bedsit
where for months he’d slept under the baleful eyes
of Miles Davis, blade under the pillow, awaiting
his tormentors’ trumpet-call that would come
inevitably right Out of the Blue. It didn’t. Nor did it
for Eddie ‘the Cleft’ who, nonetheless, still ghosts
the corridors of his Buckinghamshire school
with paranoid riffles of saxophone and horn:
Perhaps, after all, no one was out to get them.
Perhaps they were really just alone. But I know
what they meant, the iambs of snare and cymbal
that echoed from a moonlit temple across the lake
and first fairway, smothering Palladian symmetry
in a film of new-world haze: Muffled mist, guitar riff -
forbidden voices of the English picturesque.
Last edited by 1lankest on Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:13 am, edited 3 times in total.
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1299
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Finallly after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby NotQuiteSure » Wed May 23, 2018 7:04 pm

     
Hi Luke.
Happily ignorant about jazz, but enjoyed this
nevertheless.

I think 'said' in L1 should be 'meant', partly
for the later repetition of the phrase (L17),
but because they don't actually seem to have
said anything.

Not too sure about 'baleful' (or eyes), but
would suggest 'beneath' for 'under' (L9),
to avoid the repetition and for the alliteration.

The repetition of 'school' (L13) is disappointing.

Assuming it's 'piffles' as in 'piff', it is a bit
flat sonically, why not 'pops'? (L14)

Everything from 'I know' (L16) is terrific,
good rhythm and sonics. Nicely done.

As are the 'Perhaps...Perhaps..' lines (L15-16).

Is there a better alternative to 'film'
(you've got both 'haze' and 'mist' (twice))?

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Finallly after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby RCJames » Wed May 23, 2018 9:45 pm

Luke is easier - so - Luke - maybe get rid of one of the l's in the title and a comma after Finally???
The title grabbed me -= as a blues and jazz fan and player - it led me to the thought - after twenty years
I finally understand a little something about it, more about it, appreciate it more.


I understand what they said, those connoisseurs
who lived in an unquenchable mist of hyper-intellect
and old money. Poisoned spoons crosshatched
on an ornamental salver, polished silver, served up
by an expensive school as those that got away,
damned introverts, doomed. There was ‘Gus Malay ------ I get the idea of old pals - school chums - who slummed to the sounds of Miles and Colrtrane
who inadvertently shanked himself in the bedsit -------privileged bad boys.
where for months he’d slept under the baleful eyes
of Miles Davis, blade under the pillow, awaiting
his tormentors’ trumpet-call that would come
inevitably right Out of the Blue. It didn’t. Nor did it
for Eddie ‘the Cleft’ who, nonetheless, still ghosts
the corridors of his Buckinghamshire school
with paranoid piffles of saxophone and horn: ----- good picture here
Perhaps, after all, no one was out the get them.
Perhaps they were really just alone. But I know
what they meant, the iambs of snare and cymbal
that echoed from a moonlit temple across the lake
and first fairway, smothering Palladian symmetry
in a film of new-world haze: Muffled mist, guitar riff -
forbidden voices of the English picturesque. - really fine ending - I have a very clear picture from the poem of this English borrowing of jazz culture to fuel their rebellion - Rc
RCJames
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
 
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2016 3:18 pm

Re: Finallly after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby Macavity » Fri May 25, 2018 1:36 am

hi Luke

A bit of a departure in form for you. Like it (you key into mood music). You may like to drop an 'l' from the title. Liked the use of sounds - silver/salver/served/expensive and introverts/inadvertantly - that 'v' nicely cuts to shanked. Not sure if piffles strikes the right note, but 'baleful' works for me. cymbal/temple nice sonics too.

cheers

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4546
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Finallly after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby David » Sun May 27, 2018 12:35 pm

I like this one too, Luke. But I agree with Mac about "piffles" ... and "out to get them"?

The last six lines are terrific - "the iambs of snare and cymbal" especially - even if I'm not sure what you're getting at in the last line - unless it's something like the emergence of Soft Machine and their ilk? Or (more likely) the Floyd?

Enjoyed it, nonetheless.

Cheers

David
David
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 13117
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Finally after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby 1lankest » Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:13 am

Thanks David, Mac, not, RC.

Glad you all found things to like. I have corrected the typos and changed a couple of words you suggested. Piffles is gone.

David, you are right in your interpretation of the end. A general take on the minority of jazz enthusiasts in private schools who used it as mode of rebellion from the staid, stiff, repressed world they were living in.

L
1lankest
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1299
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Finally after twenty years of listening to jazz

Postby Firebird » Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:32 am

Hi Luke,

I missed this one. Just to let you know, I think it's great. My only nit, and I'm sure this is purely a matter of taste, is I'm not keen on line four with all the alliterative 's': they are too crude for the piece, and if you can have a sonic cliche then surely 'silver' and 'salver' is it.

Cheers,

Tristan
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1408
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm


Return to Post-a-Poem (Experienced)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group