Pleading Chanted

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Pleading Chanted

Postby churinga » Sat May 12, 2018 12:38 am

Boats bob at their moorings. Tendrils curl.
A Mandelbrot equation growing out.
Lopsided grins belie the eyes' directness.
Car horns honk displeasure like a shout.

I ask myself again, what use is prayer?
Repetition peppering each restless night.
A kind of pleading chanted on in silence;
a shallow breathing nightmared into fright.

Wishes can't be counted out like money
and memories fade and fall like peeling paint.
Death is sometimes longed for but wont hurry
though insects fold their wings and die like saints.
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby 1lankest » Sun May 13, 2018 8:19 am

Lots to like here. Some lovely imagery. Love the first stanza.

I’m not sure what the prayer is/would be? What is being wished for here? Escape from mundanity? Death?

Like the ending but technically, as I’m sure you know, saints become so posthumously so I’m not sure the simile completely works. Perhaps I’m being pedantic. I’m sure I am.

Good stuff.

L
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby Macavity » Sun May 13, 2018 7:07 pm

Liked the peeling paint. In fact all of S3. S1 one lost me with Mandelbrot equation - even after I googled! Those plosives were effective in S2. Perhaps peppers rather than peppering?

cheers

mac
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ignore this

Postby churinga » Sun May 13, 2018 8:58 pm

double posted
Last edited by churinga on Sun May 13, 2018 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby churinga » Sun May 13, 2018 8:58 pm

Luke
I also considered peppers and that line is I think the worst sonically. Maybe something better will come along.
You can have a living saint, not just a Catholic living saint, all the insects in my place are Church of England. :roll:

Mac
It is occasionally called the Madelbrot equation but more often the Mandelbrot set or zoom, also fractal geometry.

thanks guys

Ross
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby NotQuiteSure » Tue May 15, 2018 5:08 pm

     
Hi churinga,
quite like the whole, just not sure
of (all) the parts.)

Pleading Chanted
Depends on your accent, of course,
but it's a bit close to 'bleedin' chanted'.

Boats bob at their moorings. Tendrils curl.
That 'tendrils curl' seems just a statement
of the obvious, unless there's a punctuation
issue between this an the next line.
Do they paraphrase to something like
Tendrils curl [as/in/along/around] Mandelbrot equations, growing...?
(Mandelbrot sets might be better sonically)
Might help to know what they're tendrils of.
A Mandelbrot equation growing out
[in green.] Lopsided grins belie the eyes' directness.
like this line (could 'the' be cut?)
Car horns honk displeasure like a shout.
'honk' is a bit weak (like 'bob')

I ask myself again, what use is prayer?
Repetition peppering each restless night.

Agree with mac about 'peppering', perhaps
Repetition papering over cracks each night ?
A kind of pleading chanted on in silence;
Can one chant in silence?
a shallow breathing nightmared into fright.
'fright' is a bit of a weak end after the excellent
'nightmared'

Wishes can't be counted out like money
(or 'counted on' :) )
and memories fade and fall like peeling paint.
Do you need the second 'and' ?
Shame there isn't room to describe what the paint
is peeling from.
Death is sometimes longed for but wont hurry
why the change in rhyme scheme in this verse?
though insects fold their wings and die like saints.
I think you need a stronger distinction drawn between
'death' and 'die'. Great image in the last line though.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby churinga » Tue May 15, 2018 9:30 pm

Hi Not

We never use 'bleeding' in Australia as a swearword so it never occurred to me it could be punned upon.

I will try and fix the peppering line.

It is in (I hope) strict meter, so not so easy to change one thing without changing a lot.

Thanks for your detailed critique, i will consider all you have written.

kind regards

Ross
Last edited by churinga on Wed May 16, 2018 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby RCJames » Wed May 16, 2018 2:49 pm

churinga - the 1st stanza really sings - not a hitch
the rest pretty much falls in line with that beginning.

Boats bob at their moorings. Tendrils curl.
A Mandelbrot equation growing out.
Lopsided grins belie the eyes' directness.
Car horns honk displeasure like a shout.
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Re: Pleading Chanted

Postby churinga » Fri Jun 01, 2018 8:17 pm

RCJames

Thanks for your comment. Sorry I took so long to get back to you. Glad you liked the poem.

regards

Ross
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