Opening Up

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Opening Up

Postby ray miller » Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:06 am

She’s learnt to show, not to tell,
lines are slant and yet direct
us to this texted flesh.
Imagine her gasp
as blood collects

and stamps its autograph;
striking out of the blue
and off the cuff,
to discover how it felt
is reason enough

and matter of fact. We hope
it’s just an early flag
and she is not already trapped
in the middle
of a painstaking ritual.

Exchanges have whittled
to greetings and goodbyes,
calls for meals;
what she feels most
concealed beneath long sleeves.

Upstairs she fixes eyes
upon her mobile screen;
we watch TV and hide away
pencil sharpeners, razors, knives,
things that hurt, things that scream.
Last edited by ray miller on Sat May 05, 2018 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Opening Up

Postby 1lankest » Mon Apr 30, 2018 4:51 pm

Nice, Ray.

what she feels most concealed
beneath long sleeves.....line break after ‘most’? More intuitive I think.

Aren’t sharpeners and knives examples of blades? And I know they hurt, but do they scream?

L
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Re: Opening Up

Postby churinga » Mon Apr 30, 2018 9:51 pm

Excellent. Very dark yet handled with a deft touch.
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Re: Opening Up

Postby NotQuiteSure » Tue May 01, 2018 1:11 pm

     
Hi ray.

Opening Up
nice title

She’s learnt to show, not to tell,
somewhat at odds with 'concealed' (S4) '?
lines are slant and yet direct
us to this texted flesh
.
Just a suggestion,
'us to this text of flesh'
Wonder if 'us' isn't also a little
problematic given 'hide away'
in S5 ?
Imagine the gasp
Surely 'the gasp' should
relate to her, rather than
an invitation to the reader?
Something like,
She swallows the gasp ?
as blood collects

and stamps its autograph;
striking out of the blue

either 'out of the blue'
or 'off the cuff', but not both.
and off the cuff,
to discover how it felt

perhaps present tense?
is reason enough

and matter of fact. We hope
it’s just an early flag
and she is not already trapped
in the middle

ugly looking line
(Probably wouldn't work, but
an enigma inside the riddle ? )
of a painstaking ritual.

Exchanges have whittled
to greetings and goodbyes,

great couplet
calls for meals;
what she feels most concealed
beneath long sleeves.

agree with Luke about breaking
on 'most'

Upstairs she fixes eyes
upon her mobile screen;
we watch TV and hide away
pencil sharpeners, blades, knives,

perhaps 'scissors' for 'blades' ?
things that hurt, things that scream.
I like lines 3 and 5, the whole scene
really, but I think S4 makes for a
stronger ending.

Regards, Not.
     
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Re: Opening Up

Postby churinga » Thu May 03, 2018 10:28 am

One thing I noticed, on rereading, you have the rhymes
direct
collects

cuff,
enough

in Ss 1 and 2 but then it stops, this is be a bit disappointing.
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Re: Opening Up

Postby ray miller » Sat May 05, 2018 8:39 am

Thanks, fellas.
Luke - good advice on line break. Changed blades to razors. Weapons scream, sort of.
NQS - re. the hiding, I need to show there's been a change, maybe "what she feels most now/concealed...."?
Churinga - the rhymes are there throughout. They just become poorer, or more subtle, as we poets are apt to say.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Opening Up

Postby David » Sat May 05, 2018 11:02 am

Very good, very powerful, but a bit obscure at times - I thought, anyway. I couldn't make up my mind what "this texted flesh" actually denotes, although I think I get the general idea. The early flag also puzzled me.

Some moments of real excellence: off the cuff, a painstaking ritual, what she feels most / concealed beneath long sleeves, and the almost rap-ilke effect of the irregular rhyming.

It would be typically pedantic of me to say that whittle, while a great word choice in the context of the poem, is more of a transitive verb than an intransitive one, isn't it?

Cheers

David
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Re: Opening Up

Postby NotQuiteSure » Sat May 05, 2018 5:22 pm

     
Hey ray.
ray miller wrote:NQS - re. the hiding, I need to show there's been a change, maybe "what she feels most now/concealed...."?

I'm not sure that does it. Probably me being dense, but I don't really get much sense of change, and the final lines suggest that
N doesn't either.
- I'd be inclined to a play on 'remains';
what she feels, remains concealed...'
(And maybe end the opening line with a period?)

Regards, Not.

     
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Re: Opening Up

Postby churinga » Sat May 05, 2018 9:59 pm

You could say the rhymes went from to slant to horizontal. :lol:
The sense of the poem was clear to me I don't think anything needs changing.
I like 'texted flesh', suggests her age. 'whittled' echoes the self harm.
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Re: Opening Up

Postby churinga » Sat May 05, 2018 10:05 pm

You could say the rhymes went from to slant to horizontal. :lol:
The sense of the poem was clear to me.
I like 'texted flesh', reminded me of selfies. 'whittled' echoes the self harm.

Ross
Last edited by churinga on Sun May 13, 2018 8:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Opening Up

Postby RCJames » Wed May 09, 2018 2:14 pm

ray miller wrote:She’s learnt to show, not to tell,
lines are slant and yet direct
us to this texted flesh.
Imagine her gasp
as blood collects

and stamps its autograph;
striking out of the blue
and off the cuff,
to discover how it felt
is reason enough

and matter of fact. We hope
it’s just an early flag
and she is not already trapped
(in the middle
of a painstaking ritual.) ----------painstaking, although you might have intended it for connection to the overall theme of pain,
for me interrupts the rhythm - I'd cut it

Exchanges have whittled
to greetings and goodbyes,
calls for meals;
what she feels most
concealed beneath long sleeves.

Upstairs she fixes eyes
upon her mobile screen;
we watch TV and hide away
pencil sharpeners, razors, knives,
things that hurt, things that scream.
--------------------Maybe go with just the couplet of l. 3 and 5 - RC
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