60

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David
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60

Post by David » Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:13 pm

This is a year of birthdays, all us
diamond geezers sparkling
dully, or less dully, as the light
catches us, which nowadays
is rarely. Our occasional brilliance
goes more and more unmarked.
Slapping
slowly
downstairs in sloppy slippers,
it occurs to us how dangerous
a contraption stairs can be.
Even backs grow perilous. Just looking
into a bin, a bit funny,
can put mine out of kilter.
I can remember where I sat
in the science lab in 1A,
where I came alphabetically -
Burks, Caine, Callin, Callow -
and what the teachers' nicknames were -
Poppa, Creepy, Ernie, Deke -
but have you seen my glasses?
I thought I left them by the letter
about the bowel cancer screening programme.
It's just routine.

David
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Re: 60

Post by David » Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:15 pm

Thought I might as well as throw a log on the fire, instead of just stirring up the ashes, in celebration - if that's the word - of my recent birthday.

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Re: 60

Post by Firebird » Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:29 pm

Others will probably disagree, but besides a few phrases this isn’t doing much for me. IMHO, it’s no where near what you can do.

Sorry,

Tristan

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Re: 60

Post by Macavity » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:24 pm

You're back!? Happy birthday :)

I liked the sloppy slippers, the dangers of stairs and bins, and, of course, the names.

In terms of edits: I'd chop the cancer mention since the inference is there.

cheers

mac

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Re: 60

Post by camus » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:56 pm

I enjoyed it. The slightly jaded, inevitable acceptance of it all.

Thought perhaps you went a bit OTT with the "sloppy"

and:

"but have you seen my glasses?"

Seemed a bit of a cop-out, isn't that what all old geezers are forever in search of? Then again "It's just routine." So not sure about that?

Good to see you posting.

Cheers
Camus
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

David
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Re: 60

Post by David » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:53 pm

Yes, it's nice to be posting here again. This is in a conversational mode I find I quite like, but it won't appeal to everyone. It's not terse, that's for sure. Perhaps I'm becoming more garrulous with age. That's fine. I can still, hopefully, achieve terseness on occasion.

Cheers all

David

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Re: 60

Post by 1lankest » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:13 pm

Very amusing and heart warming. The sibilance is just right in the middle part - adds to the comic tone.
The storm clouds muster at the close, albeit at a safe distance...just.

Nice to read you, David.

L

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Re: 60

Post by Arian » Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:47 pm

camus wrote:I enjoyed it. The slightly jaded, inevitable acceptance of it all.
Captures my feelings about the piece perfectly.

I especially like the ending, with its sense of determined, but decaying, optimism.

very good.

peter

David
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Re: 60

Post by David » Mon Mar 12, 2018 5:51 pm

Luke and Peter - you biblical fellows - thank you very much.

Cheers

David

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Re: 60

Post by ray miller » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:24 am

I'd recommend taking out lines 3-6, leaving something like this
David wrote:This is a year of birthdays, all us
diamond geezers slapping
slowly downstairs in sloppy slippers,
it occurs to us how dangerous
a contraption stairs can be.
Even backs grow perilous. Just looking
into a bin, a bit funny,
can put mine out of kilter.
I can remember where I sat
in the science lab in 1A,
where I came alphabetically -
Burks, Caine, Callin, Callow -
and what the teachers' nicknames were -
Poppa, Creepy, Ernie, Deke -
but have you seen my glasses?
I thought I left them by the letter
about the bowel cancer screening programme.
It's just routine.
I can recall all of the names, in alphabetical order, in my first year at Grammar school, but I can never remember what I've gone into the shed for.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: 60

Post by k-j » Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:55 pm

I agree with Ray, better without lines 3-6. I like the "conversational" tone and it seems especially apposite for this sort of subject... happy birthday old man.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: 60

Post by David » Wed Mar 21, 2018 8:32 pm

Ray, sorry, I hadn't noticed your reply. I hear you on lines 3 - 6, although I've got it into my head that I want to do a series of poems - a bit like this, but mostly different, hopefully - of 24 lines, so I might have to find some sort of replacement - either there or elsewhere in the poem. I know, numerology and all that.

I don't have the shed thing, but I regularly arrive upstairs - or downstairs - and wonder why.

K-j, good to see you here again! We need more of your poems. Please oblige. (And thank you.)

Cheers

David

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Re: 60

Post by Lake » Tue Apr 03, 2018 9:18 pm

Hi David,

60 is a milestone in one's life. As Confucius says :" At sixty, my ear was an obedient organ for the reception of truth." :)

I like the conversational tone that reflects the writer's present state of mind, easy to read into it. I like the mellowness in the poem.

Cheers,
Lake
Aim, then, to be aimless.
Seek neither publication, nor acclaim:
Submit without submitting.

一 Cameron

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Re: 60

Post by David » Wed Apr 04, 2018 6:13 pm

Thank you Lake! (I like that Confucius quote.)

Cheers

David

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Re: 60

Post by lotus » Thu Apr 05, 2018 6:32 am

dear David

where I came alphabetically -


an interesting Piscean phenomenon perhaps
that speaks a bit to position of a northern moon node

i wish you a happy birthday

silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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Re: 60

Post by Joao » Fri Apr 06, 2018 1:41 pm

Enjoyed this greatly, David (and happy birthday!). I was re-reading Tennyson's Ulysses just yesterday and yours made for a very refreshing contrast. I definitely like the conversational tone - the bits on the stairs and on the bin were the best, I thought. The last 3 lines were less convincing: a bit pantomimic. Like the others, felt that L3-6 are dispensable.

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Re: 60

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:52 pm

Mine is on May 5th and the family are organising a party.

Enjoyed this, David, and sometimes think the quirky little phrases help to make a poem "real".
With that in mind please take my comments with a pinch.
David wrote:This is a year of birthdays, all us
diamond geezers sparkling ...Purely subjective, but I have an aversion to 'geezers'. Is there a reason for it?
dully, or less dully, as the light
catches us, which nowadays
is rarely. Our occasional brilliance
goes more and more unmarked.
Slapping
slowly
downstairs in sloppy slippers, ...That's a hell of a run on the consonance. I like it very much, thinking it fits the tone nicely, in a quirky sort of way.
it occurs to us how dangerous
a contraption stairs can be. ...You could cut 'a contraption'.
Even backs grow perilous. Just looking
into a bin, a bit funny, ...Same goes for 'a bit funny'. I put my back out just placing my briefcase on the floor next to my desk. Glass back!
can put mine out of kilter.
I can remember where I sat
in the science lab in 1A,
where I came alphabetically -
Burks, Caine, Callin, Callow -
and what the teachers' nicknames were -
Poppa, Creepy, Ernie, Deke -
but have you seen my glasses? ...The eternal cry!
I thought I left them by the letter
about the bowel cancer screening programme.
It's just routine. ...Great close. You'll have to wait for your buss pass, though.
Yip, sixty is indeed knocking at the door.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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