Little-Ease

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Little-Ease

Postby ray miller » Tue Feb 27, 2018 10:34 am

2nd try

Even here there are moments
in this cell of little-ease when
the stone rings as distantly as
heaven, I give thanks with my
knees for minor compromises,
for movements that apportion
pain throughout the stretching
night, making light of obscure
contortions, as I grow hunch-
backed and mole-blind within
this all-encompassing limbo.

1st try

Even here there are moments
in this cell of little-ease when
it’s not hard to imagine stone
distant as the heavens; to give
thanks with my knees for tiny
compromises; for movements
that apportion pain throughout
the stretch of night, that make
light of contortions, as hunch-
backed and mole-blind I grow
in an all-encompassing limbo.
Last edited by ray miller on Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:41 am, edited 3 times in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby Firebird » Tue Feb 27, 2018 2:06 pm

Hi Ray,

Wasn’t keen on L3 (couldn’t really see what it did, besides possibly enhancing the piece’s tone) so what about I bit of compression. See below.

ray miller wrote:Even here there are moments
in this cell of little-ease, when (Lovely line)
stone is distant as the heavens,
and I give thanks with my knees
for tiny compromise, movements (I admit this line is a problem now, but something like it)
that apportion pain throughout
the stretch of night, that make
light of contortions, as hunch-
backed and mole-blind I grow
in an all-encompassing limbo.



Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby Macavity » Tue Feb 27, 2018 8:41 pm

The poem conveys the confinement, the fact there are only 'moments' of relief. The line breaks all gave neat emphasis. I guess that 'stone' is used to contrast with 'limbo'.

best

mac
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby ray miller » Wed Feb 28, 2018 10:39 am

Thanks, fellas. Agree about the 3rd line so I've had a littlee move around and probably made things no better.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby David » Wed Feb 28, 2018 7:12 pm

Very good. Nicely confined - it even looks restrictive. I hadn't come across a "little-ease" before.

Is there any reason that you couldn't have

contortions, as I grow
hunch-backed and mole-blind amidst


instead

contortions, as hunch-backed
and mole-blind I grow amidst
?

Actually, now I do it, I see there is, as it makes the second line too long, if only to the eye - which is a shame, because it would get rid of that (slightly) annoying inversion.

Cheers

David
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby ray miller » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:43 am

Thanks, David. (Slightly) annoying inversion amended.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:39 am

I didn't really know what was happening, at first, until I read this literally. Strangely, a metaphor emerged after I grasped
the significance of the confinement, and one that probably only exists in my mind. With this in mind (pardon the wordplay)
I wondered if you were developing a metaphor for that feeling of entrapment, be it mentally, socially or physically; an inescapable
situation that was becoming increasingly apparent to you. Then I realised I was following my own metaphor and that I could well be
barking up the wrong tree.

I liked the moments of relief, the thank heaven for small mercies moments, where even here some kind of relief can be found.

So, I found this poem particularly interesting, Ray.

ray miller wrote:2nd try

Even here there are moments
in this cell of little-ease when
the stone rings as distantly as ...I'm struggling with 'the stone rings'. It's the ringing bit that gets me.
heaven, I give thanks with my
knees for minor compromises,
for movements that apportion
pain throughout the stretching
night, making light of obscure
contortions, as I grow hunch-
backed and mole-blind within
this all-encompassing limbo.

1st try

Even here there are moments
in this cell of little-ease when
it’s not hard to imagine stone
distant as the heavens; to give
thanks with my knees for tiny
compromises; for movements
that apportion pain throughout
the stretch of night, that make
light of contortions, as hunch-
backed and mole-blind I grow
in an all-encompassing limbo.


I prefer the revision btw.

Best

JJ
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Re: Little-Ease

Postby ray miller » Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:27 am

Thanks, JJ. The "rings" were originally "echoes", there's meant to be an illusion of distance. The poem is intended to encapsulate Aston Villa's struggle to escape the confines of the Championship. Actually, I quite like the Championship, we win some games there, things are more even, fairer. Why do we wanna get out?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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