Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

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Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby JJWilliamson » Thu Jan 25, 2018 1:20 pm

It's dreich ootside agin this morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
I widnae mynd bit a' ah see
floatin’ in disguise,
are wisps 'n' baws o' fluffy doun
to haunt mah bloody eyes.

I’m shiverin’ cauld this drookit morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
The heatin’s blawin’ wi' a' it’s got,
mah wee lad’s rubbin’ ‘is thighs,
and a' ah hear frae dusk till dawn
comes brattlin’ oot th' skies.

It’s floodin’ ower th' lawn this morn’,
whit a bloody surprise.
The watter’s fallin’ doon th' steps,
the gnome’s boat micht capsize,
and a' ah ask, if teem it maun,
let’s reach a compromise.


Standard English Version


It’s bleak outside again this morning,
what a bloody surprise.
I wouldn’t mind but all I see
floating in disguise,
are wisps and balls of fluffy down
to haunt my bloody eyes.

I’m shivering cold this sopping morning,
what a bloody surprise.
The heating’s blowing with all its got,
my wee lad’s rubbing his thighs,
and all I hear from dusk till dawn
comes clattering from the skies.

It’s flooding over the lawn this morning,
what a bloody surprise.
The water’s falling down the steps,
the gnome’s boat might capsize,
and all I ask, if pour it must,
let’s reach a compromise.



Revision 2

It's dreich ootside agin this morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
I widnae mynd bit a' ah see
floatin’ in disguise,
are wisps 'n' baws o' fluffy doun
to haunt mah bloody eyes.

I’m shiverin’ cauld this drookit morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
The heatin’s blawin’ wi' a' it’s got,
mah wee lad’s rubbin’ ‘is thighs,
and a' ah see frae dawn till dusk
comes stotterin’ oot th' skies.

It’s floodin’ ower th' lawn this morn’,
whit a bloody surprise.
The watter’s fallin’ doon th' steps,
the gnome’s boat micht capsize,
and a' ah ask, if teem it must,
let’s reach a compromise.


Revision

It's dreich ootside agin this morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
I widnae mynd bit a' ah see
floatin’ in disguise,
are wisps 'n' baws o' fluffy doun
to soothe mah bloody eyes.

I’m shiverin’ cauld this mornin’s morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
The heatin’s blawin’ wi' a' it’s got,
mah wee lad’s rubbin’ ‘is thighs,
and a' ah see frae dawn till dusk
comes stotterin’ oot th' skies.

It’s floodin’ ower th' lawn this morn’,
whit a bloody surprise.
The watter’s fallin’ doon th' steps,
the gnome’s boat micht capsize,
and a' ah ask, if teem it must,
let’s reach a compromise.


Original

It's dreich ootside agin this morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
Ah widnae mynd bit a' ah see
floatin’ roond th' skies,
are wisps 'n' baws o' fluffy doon
to treat mah bloody eyes.

Ah’m shiverin’ cauld this mornin’s morn,
whit a bloody surprise.
The heatin’s blawin’ wi' a' it’s got,
mah wee lad’s rubbin’ ‘is thighs,
and a' ah see frae dusk till dawn
comes stotterin’ oot th' skies.

It’s floodin’ ower th' lawn this morn’,
whit a bloody surprise.
The watter’s fallin’ doon th' steps,
the gnome’s boat micht capsize,
and a' ah ask is juist this once
let’s reach a compromise.
Last edited by JJWilliamson on Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:51 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie)

Postby RCJames » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:29 pm

JJ - Astoundingly and refreshingly good - I'm American but had only one problem with the dialect:

"bit a' ah see" - no clue

agonies of memorizing Chaucer in freshman English class helped me deciphering this -
some similarities to ME:

Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote,
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licóur
Of which vertú engendred is the flour;

The end is a great stroke:

"and a' ah ask is juist this once
let’s reach a compromise." - This seems like a break from dialect if so,
it carries some humor - if not - funny too.- RC
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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie)

Postby JJWilliamson » Thu Jan 25, 2018 6:16 pm

Thanks, RC, for the comments. Always appreciated.

I've posted a wee revision to extend the thought so I hope you don't mind. I had to write one for Burns Night to go with the haggis, neeps and tatties.
If I attempt to read it out when we're having supper, I'll get gravy poured over my head. :)

RCJames wrote:JJ - Astoundingly and refreshingly good - I'm American but had only one problem with the dialect:

"bit a' ah see" - no clue ..."But all I see"

agonies of memorizing Chaucer in freshman English class helped me deciphering this -
some similarities to ME:

Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote,
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licóur
Of which vertú engendred is the flour; ...Ah, the delights of Middle English. Used to drive me batty! :)

The end is a great stroke:

"and a' ah ask is juist this once
let’s reach a compromise." - This seems like a break from dialect if so,
it carries some humor - if not - funny too.- RC ...There is no Scots alternative as far as I know. Could be wrong though.


Thanks again

Best

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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision

Postby David » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:56 pm

Ir's a fun read, JJ, but I have a sneaking suspicion - which could of course be wrong - that this would sound to a Scottish person pretty much as Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins would sound to a Cockney. Perhaps a Scottish person could comment on that.

Perhaps you are a Scottish person! That would really make me look silly.

Cheers

David
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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision

Postby JJWilliamson » Fri Jan 26, 2018 11:37 pm

Thanks, David

David wrote:Ir's a fun read, JJ, but I have a sneaking suspicion - which could of course be wrong - that this would sound to a Scottish person pretty much as Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins would sound to a Cockney. ...Smiled at this I did. :) It's the worst Cockney accent on record. I used my pal's accent for most of the poem, and he was from Ayrshire, Burns country. One of the things I liked about Ayr was the number of pubs that had a Burns poem or two beautifully painted on the interior walls, like a fresco. I also used two Scots translators and a Scots - English dictionary to check some of the spellings. Not surprisingly there are several alternatives and variations. This is more standard Scots slang with an eastern twang. Aberdeen Doric would have been different, "Fit a bloody surprise". :)

I am not a Scottish person but claim Scots Irish ancestry, like half the population of everywhere.

Perhaps a Scottish person could comment on that.

Perhaps you are a Scottish person! That would really make me look silly.

Cheers

David


Thanks for dropping in to offer your thoughts.

Best

JJ
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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision

Postby ray miller » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:21 pm

Enjoyed it. I found it interesting as I'm currently trying to translate a bit of Chaucer, old Black Country, into modern Black Country. It'll drive me yampy, but I a got far ter goo.

are wisps 'n' baws o' fluffy doun
to soothe mah bloody eyes. - I'd be tempted to use curse rather than soothe.

I’m shiverin’ cauld this mornin’s morn, - what's this mornin's morn, then? Last night?

I weren't sure about the final line at first, but it grew on me. Maybe "is juist this once" is better than "if teem it must".
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision

Postby JJWilliamson » Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:50 pm

Thanks, Ray, pleased you enjoyed it.

ray miller wrote:Enjoyed it. I found it interesting as I'm currently trying to translate a bit of Chaucer, old Black Country, into modern Black Country. It'll drive me yampy, but I a got far ter goo. ...That's quite a task but hopefully worth it in the long run.

are wisps 'n' baws o' fluffy doun
to soothe mah bloody eyes. - I'd be tempted to use curse rather than soothe. ...Yes, agreed. Change coming.

I’m shiverin’ cauld this mornin’s morn, - what's this mornin's morn, then? Last night? ...I'm playing a bit here. It comes from "The morn's morn", meaning "tomorrow's morning". I'm using it as the early morning hours. I could use something like "cheerless" to clear the ambiguity/inaccuracy.

I weren't sure about the final line at first, but it grew on me. Maybe "is juist this once" is better than "if teem it must". ...I wondered if the compromise was apparent in version one, so I changed it to point the way. I actually prefer the look and sound of, 'juist'. I'll give it some more thought.


Appreciate the nudges.

Best

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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby David » Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:17 pm

Ir's a fun read, anyway. Have you seen my Robbie Burns poem? (A tribute, not a pastiche.) I start it by managing to rhyme Kirkcudbright with salubri - / ous. Honestly, I have no shame.

Cheers

David

(Having a wee medicinal dram at the moment, actually.)
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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby Elphin » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:00 pm

As a Scotsman and an Ayrshire man and occasional visitors to these shores ... its not quite Dick Van Dyke :D

It is really quite difficult to capture Burns as he would have spoken without lapsing into modern "weegie" or Glaswegian but a valiant effort. Three words made me stop

"agin" ... I heard as Scots for "against", this would still be he heard and recognisable today

and

"drookit" ... I don't think I have heard a morning described as drookit, normally a thing or person is drookit.

and

use of dreich and drookit to describe the same day .... dreich is more a dismal grey day than a very wet one.

Offered in spirit of helpfullness

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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby JJWilliamson » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:24 am

Hi, Elph!

What a stroke of fortune to have an Ayrshire man on the panel. I used my auld pal's way of speaking (Rab) [That really was his name btw] to "find" some of the words and expressions, and looked at a couple of Scots/English translators + a Scots dictionary to try and get close. Of course, Rabbie Burns was born roughly 250 years ago, so updating the lingo and still keeping the flavour of the time was always going to be a toughy. I have the same difficulty with William Wordsworth and poets of that period.

Elphin wrote:As a Scotsman and an Ayrshire man and occasional visitors to these shores ... its not quite Dick Van Dyke :D ...He said that Bert the sweep was the best thing he'd ever done! :lol:

It is really quite difficult to capture Burns as he would have spoken without lapsing into modern "weegie" or Glaswegian but a valiant effort. Three words made me stop

"agin" ... I heard as Scots for "against", this would still be he heard and recognisable today

and

"drookit" ... I don't think I have heard a morning described as drookit, normally a thing or person is drookit. ...I hummed and harred over this one because my "Oor Wullie" days reminded me of 'drookit' as being soaked to the skin. I looked around for a connection and came up with this link, dubious though it may be. :)

http://literalbarrage.org/blog/2005/01/ ... ay-dreich/

and

use of dreich and drookit to describe the same day .... dreich is more a dismal grey day than a very wet one. ...Following on from above. In this slant it appears that dreich and drookit can be linked as an alternative definition. However, the common interp' runs counter to the said link. I might just change drookit, although I absolutely love that word. :)

Offered in spirit of helpfulness ...And most certainly taken in the spirit of gratitude.

elph


Thanks again. I was delighted to get the opinion of an Ayrshire Scotsman, especially about the believability of the accent. Much obliged.

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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby David » Fri Feb 02, 2018 5:30 pm

Elphin wrote:As a Scotsman and an Ayrshire man and occasional visitors to these shores ... its not quite Dick Van Dyke :D

You see? I knew I didn't know what I was talking about.

(How are you Elph? Will ye no come back again? On a more permanent footing? Are you still poeticizing?)

However, JJ, I would still argue that, while the language might be right for Rabbie, the voice is not, and - I realise now - that was really the root of my objection to it. It's more Andy Stewart than Rabbie Burns. (Is it, I wonder, actually pawky? I'm never sure about that. Elph will know.

Still, it's probably the voice you wanted, and you seem to have got the Scots right, or rightish, so I can only congratulate you on that. .

Cheers (and hoots)

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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby JJWilliamson » Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:05 pm

Thanks, David

Sorry about missing you out earlier. I did read and did mean to reply (thought I had, actually).

David wrote:
Elphin wrote:As a Scotsman and an Ayrshire man and occasional visitors to these shores ... its not quite Dick Van Dyke :D

You see? I knew I didn't know what I was talking about.

(How are you Elph? Will ye no come back again? On a more permanent footing? Are you still poeticizing?)

However, JJ, I would still argue that, while the language might be right for Rabbie, the voice is not, and - I realise now - that was really the root of my objection to it. It's more Andy Stewart than Rabbie Burns. ...I was thinking more like Stanley Baxter. A smile rather than a tear or pre-romantic nod to nature. :)

(Is it, I wonder, actually pawky? I'm never sure about that. Elph will know. ...Does that mean "parky" I wonder. IE chilly.

Still, it's probably the voice you wanted, and you seem to have got the Scots right, or rightish, so I can only congratulate you on that. ...I might play about with it yet, but yes, I'm happy enough with the voice. Ish. I preferred this extract from last year's effort about garden gnomes.

"How cuid ah dare tae be so hasty,
to blight yer kind an' ca' ye lazy?
Ah had mah doots but noo ah find ye,
on thae pots in friendship by me,
engaged in gnomish tittle tattle,
for a gnome's a gnome an' a' that prattle".

Cheers (and hoots...Cheers to you too. Hae a wee dram the neet.

David


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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby David » Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:15 pm

Stanley Baxter! Exactly. Yes. It's spot-on in those terms, I think.

Cheers

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Re: Negotiatin' wi' Demons (For Rabbie) Revision 3

Postby JJWilliamson » Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:14 am

David wrote:Stanley Baxter! Exactly. Yes. It's spot-on in those terms, I think.

Cheers

David


Well, if it brought a smile it found its mark. :)

To actually write using his voice is an interesting challenge, but one that would almost certainly strain the limits of credibility.
Got me interested now. :)

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