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RCJames
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Post by RCJames » Tue Jan 23, 2018 4:47 pm

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Last edited by RCJames on Sun Feb 04, 2018 9:29 pm, edited 7 times in total.

David Smedley
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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by David Smedley » Tue Jan 23, 2018 9:33 pm

Really enjoyed it RC, especially the ending.

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by RCJames » Tue Jan 23, 2018 11:42 pm

Thanks David - appreciate your look at this - RC

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by ray miller » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:55 am

Why "the lost century"?

Outside the window
now, doves chatter
and flutter down - very nice lines

Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
art defined
its own celebration. I think I understand the two statements but I struggle to link them together.

I wonder if stanzas 3 and 4 are necessary in their entirety. Two examples of "She did this ..." seems too much.

A country girl,
unsophisticated,
to the end, - maybe two dashes instead of commas?


that day met the lover - I wondered what day you meant. It seemed a long way back tothe beginning of stanza 2.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by RCJames » Wed Jan 24, 2018 2:49 pm

Ray - Thanks for your look -

Why "the lost century"? _ (Only because it's gone by - not present now - nothing
mysterious.)

Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
art defined
its own celebration. I think I understand the two statements but I struggle to link them together.

Good point - maybe:

("Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
defined its own
celebration.")

I wonder if stanzas 3 and 4 are necessary in their entirety. Two examples of "She did this ..." seems too much.


"She banished the rules,
strolling the Champs Elysee,
impervious to all attempts
on her confidence;
the bourgeoisie disguised
its stunned vanity
with forced frivolity." - (Possibility)

that day met the lover - I wondered what day you meant. It seemed a long way back to the beginning of stanza 2.

(It refers back to the beginning of St. 4 not 2)

Outside the window
now, - ("now" puts it in present day)

"Morning streets shimmer
after early showers,
reflecting that earlier time" - ("earlier time" is also a clue.)

I appreciate your look and suggestions - RC

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Jan 25, 2018 12:53 pm

Enjoyed this, RC, for its brevity and that just bellow the surface feeling I found.
The close is great and quite moving, and if I'm honest, right up my street. It reminded me
of Joe Di Maggio placing flowers on Marilyn's grave till the end.

Pleasure to read

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by RCJames » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:10 pm

JJ - That daily gesture of Dimaggio's affected me more and stands out in my memory stronger than anything he did in baseball - too bad she didn't get that kind of devotion while she was alive - I have a wall clock I just found in an Albuquerque thrift store - black with gold strings and the billowing subway vent photo of Marilyn on the body - and it actually keeps time - Thanks for your kind words - RC

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by Jackie » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:32 pm

Hi RC,

I'm wanting to be drawn into your mystique here. I think the problem is partly with "the lost century" (instead of "a lost century", which would diminish its importance as you intended) and "that earlier time" (which I think is important to your story but not well enough described as an event so we can recognize it when it is referred to again in the last stanza).

I do like S3, but maybe you could lose S4? It's full of nominalizations, so sounds stuffy and "telling."

Thanks,
Jackie

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by RCJames » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:45 pm

Thank you Jackie - I made some changes on those spots
you pointed out as trouble. - RC

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by Jackie » Thu Jan 25, 2018 6:23 pm

I made some changes
It helps if you post a separate revision when you edit. When I go back to look at the changes now, I can't remember how it was before (I know, short memory!).

Jackie

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias)

Post by RCJames » Fri Jan 26, 2018 4:51 pm

Jackie - I'll see if I can fish that one back up out of documentos - RC

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Re: Lady Marguerite Gautier (La Dame aux Camellias) - Rev.

Post by David » Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:31 pm

I like the idea, RC, but essentially this reads to me like a fairly prosaic description of her and her life. There is one bit of poetry that I see shining in there:

Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
defined its own
celebration


Now you're talking! Or more accurately, perhaps, singing. More singing required.

Cheers

David

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