Seasonal Affective

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Seasonal Affective

Postby ray miller » Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:30 pm

The snow-heavy boughs
of our garden willow
bend lowly as if
to bestow a last kiss
on leaves lately
to the lawn fallen;
bowing deeper it stares
fright-headed into
the mirror of pond
and starts weeping;
by achingly slow degrees
it climbs back to
a former demeanour.
Last edited by ray miller on Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Tree Done Blowed Its Insurance

Postby Firebird » Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:21 pm

Hi Ray,

I quite like it, but I’m having a bit of a problem imagining a weeping willow’s boughs being pushed down under the weight of snow. Boughs imply the type of branch that is thick and wouldn’t bow under the weight of snow. Maybe I’m wrong though. Some specific comments below.

ray miller wrote:The snow-heavy boughs
of our garden willow
bend lowly as if
to bestow a last kiss (I like the sonics between lowly/bestow, but ‘lowly’ doesn’t seem necessary)
on leaves lately
to the lawn fallen; (I know you’re emphasising the ‘l’ alliteration, but why not ‘on leaves just fallen/on the lawn’?)
bowing deeper it stares (is ‘bowing’ necessary, beyond the ‘b’ alliteration thread?)
fright-headed into
the mirror of pond (is ‘mirror’ needed?)
and starts weeping;
by achingly slow degrees (I hate the modifier ‘achingly’. So clunky!)
it climbs back to (end the line in ‘back’?)
a former demeanour.


I think this is worth working on. I like the idea/s.

Cheers,

Tristan
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Re: Tree Done Blowed Its Insurance

Postby David » Tue Jan 23, 2018 7:35 pm

Hi Ray, This seems - if I may so - very "poetical" for you. An inversion, even!

Something of a departure. I like it. Especially - after thinking about it - "fright-headed".

Cheers

David
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Re: Seasonal Affective

Postby ray miller » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:33 am

Thanks, Tristan. I have to say, I'd not thought about the difference between branches and boughs before, but whichever is the correct term, the parts that bent over are as thick as any of the others. What surprised me is that they eventually resumed their former position. I thought I'd have to be sawing them off.

to the lawn fallen; (I know you’re emphasising the ‘l’ alliteration, but why not ‘on leaves just fallen/on the lawn’?) - I tried that and it just didn't sound right to me.

by achingly slow degrees (I hate the modifier ‘achingly’. So clunky!) - Ah, the time I have spent on that and the following line. I may yet drag my self back for another look.

Thanks, David. Poetical inversion, eh? I shall be wearing a kipper tie soon.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Seasonal Affective

Postby JJWilliamson » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:01 pm

I noticed the inversion immediately then after a few reads decided it was a good move. Yes, it's distinctly poetical, but it shows
another side to your musings. Never a bad thing.

ray miller wrote:The snow-heavy boughs
of our garden willow
bend lowly as if
to bestow a last kiss ...Good internal rhyme and a little archaic methinks; 'tis in keeping.
on leaves lately
to the lawn fallen; ...Checked to see if this was who I thought it was.
bowing deeper it stares
fright-headed into
the mirrorofpond ...perhaps a compound of "mirror-pond"
and starts weeping; ...The snow is melting and so it gradually climbs as the burden is released.
by achingly slow degrees ...Clever reference to the temperature.
it climbs back(.) to
a former demeanour.
...The final line is overkill.


I absolutely loved this poem.

Best

JJ
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Re: Seasonal Affective

Postby ray miller » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:25 pm

Thanks, JJ. That's very kind of you. I'm not sure about the last line being overkill, but I shall do some mending with the last 3 lines. This morning the next-door neighbour informed us that two of the branches on the other side of the tree had fallen off and were lying on his brand new fence. It's a rather disturbed tree, I think.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Seasonal Affective

Postby Antcliff » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:54 pm

on leaves lately
to the lawn fallen;


? Hey people, I think some alien has hacked Ray's account.

I hope Ray is okay and they have not put him in a pod somewhere.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
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Re: Seasonal Affective

Postby ray miller » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:31 pm

Fret not, Seth, from the 19th century returned am I.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Re: Seasonal Affective

Postby ray miller » Mon Feb 12, 2018 6:15 pm

I think it's just harmless banter, or I'm hoist by my own petard or everybody hates me.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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