Song of a Common Man

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Song of a Common Man

Postby fortytwo » Thu Dec 14, 2017 2:18 am

When I was young I ignored age
and never thought of passing time
or viewed the products of its rage
upon this changing face of mine.

At that age blessed through life to go,
walking high peaks close to the sun,
thinking the clock was moving slow
above where the dark valleys run.

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me
towards where that great mystery hides
as some form of eternity.

Each one may think they know the path,
some take the preformed, preordained
to that truth when we breathe our last,
they bow the knee and mind the same.

But man evolved to have a brain
for independent thought and choice,
his birthright without binding chain,
compose his song and give it voice.


REVISED
When I was young I ignored age
and never thought of passing time
or viewed the products of its rage
upon this changing face of mine.

At that age blessed through life to go,
to walk high peaks close to the sun,
and think the clock was moving slow
above where the dark valleys run.

Slower the step with shortened stride
descending to the lowlands lie,
a shadowed vale of mystery
wherein there flows eternity

Each one may think they know the path,
some take the preformed, preordained
to that truth when we breathe our last,
they bow the knee and mind the same.

But man evolved to have a brain
for independent thought and choice,
his birthright without binding chain,
compose his song and give it voice.
Last edited by fortytwo on Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:33 pm, edited 2 times in total.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Postby ray miller » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:34 am

Hello fortytwo. My main thought is that the final stanza does not sit that easily with what went before, it seems disconnected. I wouldn't argue with the statement it makes,only its context.
fortytwo wrote:When I was young I ignored age
and never thought of passing time
or viewed the products of its rage
upon this changing face of mine.

At that age blessed through life to go,
walking high peaks close to the sun, - the metre is off here - "I walked high peaks" would be better
thinking the clock was moving slow - likewise - "and thought" better than thinking
above where the dark valleys run.

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me
towards where that great mystery hides
as some form of eternity.

I found this stanza hard to follow. What, or who, beckons from the shadow seems to have been omitted. Should it read "in some form of eternity"?

Each one may think they know the path,
some take the preformed, preordained
to that truth when we breathe our last,
they bow the knee and mind the same.

But man evolved to have a brain
for independent thought and choice,
his birthright without binding chain,
compose his song and give it voice.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Postby fortytwo » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:05 pm

Thank you Ray, helpful suggestions acted on.. You are very astute as when I wrote the poem the final stanza took some time to decide upon and although once written I felt satisfied by the outcome I will take a look again and see how I feel about it. Appreciate your interest and tact. Regards
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
fortytwo
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Postby ray miller » Sun Dec 17, 2017 3:15 pm

Nobody has ever appreciated my tact before, to the point where I thought I didn't have any. So thanks for that.

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me
towards where that great mystery hides
in some form of eternity.

I still think there's something missing in that 2nd line.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Postby fortytwo » Sun Dec 17, 2017 5:24 pm

Well Ray I will try this which isn't vastly different, just a modification of the emphasis and a stop in the flow between the first and second lines which goes against the grain a little as I am usually trying to maintain flow.; however.

Slower the step, fearful the stride,
now in the shadows beckons me
towards etc, etc,.

OR
Slow stepping now with fearful stride
down where those lowlands beckon me


I am trying to include my own experience of life, to personalise the poem, which may not always correspond to the readers experience but hopefully will be within the readers understanding.
Thanks for your input
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Postby ray miller » Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:28 am

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me

Well, to show what I thought was missing, here's what I'd do

Slower the step, shorter the stride,
a voice/form from the shadow beckons me

Otherwise, you aren't saying what beckoned, are you?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Postby fortytwo » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:29 pm

Hello again Ray. I recognise there are a coup[le of problem lines trying as they do to combine the physical and mental decline that might accompany ageing.

Slower the step with shortened stride
descending to the lowlands lie,
a shadowed vale of mystery
wherein there flows eternity


I think I will opt for the above and remove the beckoning element entirely
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
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