Song of a Common Man

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ray miller
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Post by ray miller » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:34 am

Hello fortytwo. My main thought is that the final stanza does not sit that easily with what went before, it seems disconnected. I wouldn't argue with the statement it makes,only its context.
fortytwo wrote:When I was young I ignored age
and never thought of passing time
or viewed the products of its rage
upon this changing face of mine.

At that age blessed through life to go,
walking high peaks close to the sun, - the metre is off here - "I walked high peaks" would be better
thinking the clock was moving slow - likewise - "and thought" better than thinking
above where the dark valleys run.

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me
towards where that great mystery hides
as some form of eternity.

I found this stanza hard to follow. What, or who, beckons from the shadow seems to have been omitted. Should it read "in some form of eternity"?

Each one may think they know the path,
some take the preformed, preordained
to that truth when we breathe our last,
they bow the knee and mind the same.

But man evolved to have a brain
for independent thought and choice,
his birthright without binding chain,
compose his song and give it voice.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

ray miller
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Re: Song of a Common Man

Post by ray miller » Sun Dec 17, 2017 3:15 pm

Nobody has ever appreciated my tact before, to the point where I thought I didn't have any. So thanks for that.

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me
towards where that great mystery hides
in some form of eternity.

I still think there's something missing in that 2nd line.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

ray miller
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Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Song of a Common Man

Post by ray miller » Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:28 am

Slower the step, shorter the stride
as from the shadow beckons me

Well, to show what I thought was missing, here's what I'd do

Slower the step, shorter the stride,
a voice/form from the shadow beckons me

Otherwise, you aren't saying what beckoned, are you?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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