The Waiting Room

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.

The Waiting Room

Postby Firebird » Wed Dec 13, 2017 10:37 am

It's 7pm
and in a full waiting room,
two vagrants shelter
from the ice cold air.
In the silence, a clip, clip ...
one biting
his nails.
They don't acknowledge
one another
or anyone else.
Maybe because
they feel less
conspicuous this way;
wanting to believe
for a while
that they too
have a direction,
a place to go.
User avatar
Firebird
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
 
Posts: 1327
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: The Waiting Room

Postby Antcliff » Wed Dec 13, 2017 4:53 pm

Greetings!

All these very short line breaks make it seem slightly padded out imho. How about...

It's 7pm

as the title...since you immediately mention t he room anyway? And then fewer breaks...

and in a full waiting room,
two vagrants shelter
from the ice cold air.
In the silence, a clip, clip ...
one biting his nails.
They don't acknowledge
one another or anyone else.
Maybe because they feel less
conspicuous this way;
wanting to believe
for a while that they too
have a direction,a place to go.


Best wishes (and happy Crimbo),
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 6580
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: The Waiting Room

Postby NotQuiteSure » Wed Dec 13, 2017 5:04 pm

     
Tristan
Similar reservations to fortytwo, I'm afraid.
The term 'vagrant' seems more a label than a description.
'ice cold' is rather bland.
'Silence' in a full waiting room seems unlikely.
Can't connect the (rather weak) final two lines
with the title, which to me also suggests a 'surgery'
of some sort. Is it a Station Waiting Room?

Regards, Not.
     
NotQuiteSure
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
 
Posts: 634
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: The Waiting Room

Postby ray miller » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:40 am

Can you hear the clip, clip of a person biting their nails? I'd have thought it unlikely, but I shall listen out in future.
Firebird wrote:It's 7pm
and in a full waiting room,
two vagrants shelter
from the ice cold air.
In the silence, a clip, clip ...
one biting
his nails.
They don't acknowledge
one another
or anyone else.
Maybe because - you don't need "because"
they feel less
conspicuous this way;
wanting to believe
for a while - I'd cut this line
that they too
have a direction, - I'd cut "a direction"
a place to go.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 6017
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: The Waiting Room

Postby Macavity » Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:36 am

hi Tristan,
Enjoyed the read. A number of details that hooked this reader: the title; the precision of time; speculation of why a full room; speculation of what they are waiting for; the silence in contrast to the fullness; the nails.

Of course, the reasons for waiting can be different. If the reader were to make an assumption, based on the time/direction/place, that this a waiting room in a railway station; then, the vagrant situation, escaping the weather, is emphasized - they are inside, but still on the outside of society. I like the fact that the vagrants seek anonymity in the 'crowd', though the silence may well be a product of their presence and the nail biting actually draws attention. Difference is emphasized.

My experience of the silent, but full, waiting room is the dentist...except for that sound of the drilling :)

best

mac
Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
 
Posts: 4443
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am


Return to Post-a-Poem (Experienced)

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 1 guest

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group