Bone Dry

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1lankest
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Bone Dry

Post by 1lankest » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:36 am

Sunlight spins through ranks
of crumbling chortens, women

clustered over sacks laden with grass,
splinters of quartze and flint.

It carries them, clutching syckles,
effortlessly across a fold of rain

that's swept in like falling rice,
to drop them on the hillside

downstream, where they continue
the harvest from the other bank.

None pause to breathe, sip chang,
alter the rigging of their skirts;

until, just as fast, another cloud
appears, darker now, weightier,

and they dissapear again
into the golden wheel

to tumble to a lower plane
safely beyond the mire.

1lankest
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Re: Bone Dry

Post by 1lankest » Fri Dec 08, 2017 1:30 pm

Thanks for this, glad you found somethig in it. The subject is 'sunlight', perhaps confused by the full stop after the first sentence. Or maybe it is grammatically incorrect! Never quite sure...

L

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Re: Bone Dry

Post by Macavity » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:30 am

hi Luke

I've been enjoying these poems of the East (though I think this one needs a spell check!)

I liked that simile of falling rice. Does translate a sense of place.

As well as lives governed by weather, on a minute by minute basis, the contrasts of a hard life and the crumbling spiritual comforts came to mind.

best

mac

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the stranger
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Re: Bone Dry

Post by the stranger » Sun Dec 10, 2017 12:07 am

This reads like it's written from viewing a painting?

If so, which painting? If not, great stuff anyway.

There is a sharpness to the language throughout...

Good stuff.

TS

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Re: Bone Dry

Post by ray miller » Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:48 am

1lankest wrote:Sunlight spins through ranks
of crumbling chortens, women

clustered over sacks laden with grass,
splinters of quartze and flint.

It carries them, clutching syckles,
effortlessly across a fold of rain - "effortlessly across" doesn't roll off the tongue, "through" maybe?

that's swept in like falling rice, - nice line
to drop them on the hillside

downstream, where they continue
the harvest from the other bank.

None pause to breathe, sip chang,
alter the rigging of their skirts; - Is it necessary to note all the things they didn't do?

until, just as fast, another cloud - just as fast as....?
appears, darker now, weightier,

and they dissapear again - appears/disappear are a bit close
into the golden wheel

to tumble to a lower plane
safely beyond the mire.
I enjoyed the poem. Don't get the title, or where bone comes into it.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Bone Dry

Post by 1lankest » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:17 am

God the spelling is awful! I wrote on a phone as I was trekking, but that is certainly no excuse. Thanks for crits.

Ray, ta, I think it works in this case to list what they aren't doing, as it simultaeously shows what they usually do for distraction as well as their current level of absorbtion in their work on account of the weather. Why do you object to it?

I agree about everything else and will edit. Cheers.

Thanks TS and Mac, nice to hear.

L

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Re: Bone Dry

Post by Jackie » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:04 am

Hi Luke,

I think of laden as meaning weighed down, like a tree or a person. Can a sack be laden? Or if the subject of laden is indeed the women, you need a comma before laden.

I’d suggest “crumbling chortens and women” as well as “None pauses to breathe, sip chang,/ or alter …”

May I suggest changing the word “until” in S7 for one that implies the women knew, or anticipated the next event? Otherwise, it seems to me you have a bit of a time confusion beginning with “continue” through to “just as fast.”

Just a suggestion again: “another cloud/ appears” strikes me as weak. Is this another torrent of rice? If not, make it just as real.

This is lots of fun! Strikes me these are women who’ve done this before, and they usually end up bone dry. I’ll bet they have nicknames they call those who get drenched!

Thanks for the read,
Jackie

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