The Tribe

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Re: The Tribe

Postby Joao » Fri Dec 01, 2017 3:02 pm

I like this, fortytwo. A few thoughts:

Young the tribe with
all the caring of the wild,
consume the weak,
dance to the beat Nice two lines
of bone sticks on Maybe I'm missing something, but isn't this pushing the metaphor a bit too far? Can't imagine this applying to kids and their music
drums of skin
asked,
“will you let a blue boy in”?

He enters
wheeled in, in his cage
built of love by caring hands
and mourning eyes
looking beyond panting breath This is the best bit, in my opinion. Could "that look beyond his panting breath" improve the rhythm, perhaps?
through purple lips,
they squint at death
which this tribe knows A bit too didactic: "which they know" would do the trick, I think, or "well known" to keep the metre
in tiny form
they slay in games,
"sans" empathy
what has no name. Didn't understand this last line, sorry

Envious of wasted care
to one who is not of the tribe
the hunted not the hunter he,
no warrior to play beside. I thought this the least interesting stanza. I don't see why the tribe would be envious of the care received by the blue boy. The grammar is also not entirely clear to me either

He stares ahead to some far place
where the sun’s warmth’s Bit of a tongue-twister
on firm smooth limbs
where he is prince of
strength and care Why "care"? I get "strength", not "care"
and there’s no fear
of tribal spears.

Oh he will go,
he will go soon,
leaving the tribe to dance
to tunes with beat
of bone on skin.



Interesting scene. Enjoyed it!

Best,
Joao
Joao
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