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Not the Axe

Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 2:06 pm
by Wilcken
"It was not the axe, however,
but a branch fastened
to a withered tree
which the wind was blowing
backwards and forwards.”

.................. - Hansel & Gretel

Hardened by the great forest, we live
as grim wife and split wood-cutter

amongst a litter of empties and knuckled towels.
Every canister spilt. There is nothing left

to bust wide open, no fidelity to question.
Unfamiliar with the likes of sugar asylums,

unaware that a true mother might one day reappear
as bright and potent as an heirloom duckling,

you mince the last onion, pause to sharpen your blade
and then suggest that I forget about my own children.

Like a spewing shrew you loom and groan
‘what is to become of us’ until we are nothing left

but puffs of exhaust who once again, heaven help us,
leave them to themselves in the nebulous woods.

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 2:45 pm
by 1lankest
Very good. Really rate this.

I like how it decends into protracted, almost desperate sentences, reflecting the content.

Not sure I'd bother with the quote.

L

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 3:16 pm
by NotQuiteSure
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Hi Jane,
so much to enjoy. And a couple of head scratches.

Hardened by the great forest, we live
as grim wife and split wood-cutter
Terrific opening, evocative and economical.
Enjoyed the ambiguity of 'split'.


amongst a litter of empties and knuckled towels.
Every canister spilt. There is nothing left
like the line break

to bust wide open, no fidelity to question.
Unfamiliar with the likes of sugar asylums,
Love 'sugar asylums', though couldn't with any confidence define one
(I'd guess gingerbread cottages).


unaware that a true mother might one day reappear
as bright and potent as an heirloom duckling,
Not sure about the second line here.
Keep on reading it as 'swan'.


you mince the last onion, pause to sharpen your blade
and then suggest that I forget about my own children.
Brilliant.

Like a spewing shrew you loom and groan
‘what is to become of us’ until we are nothing left
'spewing shrew' doesn't work for me. How would a shrew loom?

but puffs of exhaust who once again, heaven help us,
leave them to themselves in the nebulous woods.
'nebulous' is, for me, a bit of a let down.

Regards, Not.

[tab][/tab]

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 3:21 pm
by 1lankest
I agree with NOT about nebulous. I'd lose it. Woods are nubulous anyway

L

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:30 pm
by Wilcken
Cheers you guys, this is great feedback.

Glad to back in here, life’s been kicking my butt right down the street lately.

Some interesting poems to consider and comment on too...

Jane

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:31 pm
by Macavity
hi Wilcko
you mince the last onion, pause to sharpen your blade
and [s]then[/s] suggest that I forget about my own children.
Wondered if there is enough of a pause on the line-break for the transition? Not sure, either way I thought these lines were effective with their directness.

I liked the constructions sugar asylums, heirloom duckling, but not so sure of spewing shrew and nebulous woods. You obviously want to give weight to the latter - 'nebula of woods' could be an option...or maybe not.

enjoyed

mac

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:30 am
by the stranger
Wow. Are you Jeanette Winterson? If not, you should be.

Brilliant stuff.

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:03 pm
by Wilcken
Mac and Stranger,

Thanks so much for reading and commenting (and Stranger, that's about the best undeserved compliment I've ever received in my poetry, wow).

You've all given me some great feedback to work with.

Jane

Re: Not the Axe

Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:52 am
by Nash
Hello Jane,

It's good to read one of yours again. Right up my street, this one. Nothing to add except my applause.

All the best,
Nash.