Breaking up

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Firebird
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Breaking up

Post by Firebird » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:39 am

A better version?
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JJWilliamson
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Re: Breaking up

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed Oct 25, 2017 5:41 pm

Interesting poem, Tristan

I must be looking at an extended metaphor, otherwise it's just a plain statement of geographical fact.
It's as if the whole country has been hit by so much flack that it can no longer stand as it once was.
It's tearing apart and fragmenting at the edges like a dying relationship. I like that.
Firebird wrote:From the plane
Finland is perforated
by silent lakes ...Is silent the right word? I've never seen a noisy one, unless you mean isolated and without human contamination. Maybe "glacial" hinting at a freeze and meltdown.
and then
its coast fragments
into islands.
It's a slow burner this one.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Firebird
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Re: Breaking up

Post by Firebird » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:33 pm

Hi JJ, I think you got the central idea of the poem being a metaphor for separating it parting ways. The N is leaving Finland and a relationship behind. The lakes for me symbolise not only holes in the relationship but silences or things not dealt with or said, too; and the islands are not only fragmentation/break down but also bits of the relationship that stay with you.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Breaking up

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:20 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi Tristan,
just a thought - not too sure about perforated/fragments - how about
its coast confetties
into islands
(assuming you're amenable to making confetti a verb)

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

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Re: Breaking up

Post by Macavity » Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:21 pm

Firebird wrote:From the plane
Finland is perforated
by silent lakes
and then
its coast fragments
into islands.
Hi Tristan,
The title sets the context and L1 the viewpoint. The use of perforated for Finland's landscape is perfect. I presumed the perception of the landscape is defined by the personal circumstance. I think you need a more direct, expansive write to convey your intention...especially that which stays after a break up.
The lakes for me symbolise not only holes in the relationship but silences or things not dealt with or said, too; and the islands are not only fragmentation/break down but also bits of the relationship that stay with you.
Those intentions/nuances are worth foregrounding in my opinion. Or perhaps just one of them.

I remember Paul Muldoon in an interview saying that a poem should have an intended focus of meaning not the muddle of many.

best

mac

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Re: Breaking up

Post by Firebird » Thu Dec 07, 2017 2:19 pm

Thanks Not and Mac. I think this may be a better version.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Breaking up

Post by Antcliff » Wed Dec 13, 2017 5:05 pm

Enjoyable concrete poem. Always nice to see one.

My only....very, very slight...quibble would be over whether it is really worth putting "waters" on a 4th line rather than just adding it to the third? Not sure. Just asking.


Best,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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