Yesterday

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ray miller
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Yesterday

Post by ray miller » Tue Jul 26, 2016 11:10 am

Edit

An evening light lullabies, although it’s only
2pm. There’s a talk show on the TV,
just the care staff tuning in. This time
would be opportune for grandmother to disappear,
if she occupied the dado walls, sunk
within a high back chair, framed by brown and cream.
But she lurks beyond that labyrinth of hallways,
stairs and corridors, hunched over a radio,
trying to find her frequency, turn up
the correct combination, while below
the call is eyes down, dears, for Bingo!
Her place, her time must be there somewhere.
This is not what she calls music.


Original

An evening light lullabies, although it’s only
2pm. There’s a talk show on the TV,
just the care staff tuning in. This time
would be opportune for grandmother to disappear,
but she won’t line the dado walls, sunk
within a high back chair, framed by brown and cream.
She lurks beyond that labyrinth of doors
and stairs and corridors, hunched over a radio,
trying to find her frequency, turn up
the correct combination, while below
the call is eyes down, my dears, for Bingo!
Her place, her time must be in there somewhere.
This is not what she calls music.
Last edited by ray miller on Fri Jul 29, 2016 7:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Ros
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Re: Yesterday

Post by Ros » Tue Jul 26, 2016 1:32 pm

Great last couplet. Very good generally, though she seems to move swiftly from being sunk in the chair to lurking elsewhere over the radio.

but she won’t line the dado walls - not sure of the image here. I pictured her, arms spread, like a spy sneaking across a room - or alternatively somehow collapsed dead against the walls. Not sure either is what you had in mind.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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PaulSteveLaurence
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Re: Yesterday

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Tue Jul 26, 2016 6:24 pm

ray miller wrote:An evening light lullabies, although it’s only
2pm. There’s a talk show on the TV,
just the care staff tuning in. This time
would be opportune for grandmother to disappear,
but she won’t line the dado walls, sunk
within a high back chair, framed by brown and cream.
She lurks beyond that labyrinth of doors
and stairs and corridors, hunched over a radio,
trying to find her frequency, turn up
the correct combination, while below
the call is eyes down, my dears, for Bingo!
Her place, her time must be in there somewhere.
This is not what she calls music.
All of this is so telling and familiar. Old peoples/nursing home acutely described with a very poignant ending.

ray miller
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Re: Yesterday

Post by ray miller » Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:06 am

Thanks, Ros, Paul. I'm saying that she wont, or doesn't, line the dado walls (like everyone else). Maybe I could put it like this

would be opportune for grandmother to disappear,
if she were lining dado walls, sunk within
a high back chair, framed by brown and cream.
But she lurks beyond that labyrinth of doors
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Ros
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Re: Yesterday

Post by Ros » Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:53 am

Ah. Perhaps 'or sunk...'.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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k-j
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Re: Yesterday

Post by k-j » Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:58 am

I like the analogy between the subject searching the dial for the "correct combination" and the bingo. And as Ros says, great ending.

For some reason I think "hallways" sounds better than "corridors" here, perhaps because of "doors" in the line before.

I can see why she'd "lurk" from others' perspectives, but the poem as a whole seems to be more centered on her or more from her point of view, though it's hard to tell. But "lurks" feels harsh and maybe "lingers" would be better?

The line about lining the walls tripped me up too. The reason is that one person can't "line the walls", only a group of people can.
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Re: Yesterday

Post by Basnik » Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:45 pm

Great work, Ray, with a lovely mixture of description and character. I like the frequency image, although does it need the combination follow - up? I'm not sure a correct frequency can be called a combination? I like the eyes down line.

Richard
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)

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Re: Yesterday

Post by Lou » Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:46 am

Hi Ray,

I like very much what you have here; the colours used in the decoration of the awful place you describe say everything. One tiny nit: do you need 'Bingo!'? When you say 'eyes down' we can easily guess what the game is.

Best,
Lou

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Re: Yesterday

Post by Joao » Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:58 pm

I like the 'correct combination' line, the sense of her trying to break into a safe where the good old days are kept from her.

ray miller
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Re: Yesterday

Post by ray miller » Fri Jul 29, 2016 7:20 am

Thanks for all the comments. I've revised in the light of.
Richard - I take your point about the correct combination, but on some radios it looks like that - AM105.8, for instance.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Yesterday

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Jul 29, 2016 12:48 pm

Hi, Ray

A very interesting snapshot into the care home and most illuminating.
ray miller wrote:Edit

An evening light lullabies, although it’s only ...Does the evening light make the residents drowsy and send them to sleep?
2pm. There’s a talk show on the TV, ...I'm confused with the timeframe. Maybe we have different evening lights.
just the care staff tuning in. This time
would be opportune for grandmother to disappear, ..."This would be a good time" Just a suggestion.
if she occupied the dado walls, sunk ...I think she'd occupy the high backed chair next to the dado wall. Is that it? However, 'walls' is plural. I could be missing something. Are there chairs along a few of the walls? That would fit. (thinking as I go)
within a high back chair, framed by brown and cream. ...Is this representative of a dull colour scheme? A "beige" place to be. (apologies to Billy Connolly)
But she lurks beyond that labyrinth of hallways,
stairs and corridors, hunched over a radio,
trying to find her frequency, turn up ...Is she searching for her favourite station? Does she refer to the channel as "my frequency"? It's a definite possibility.
the correct combination, while below ...Not sure how 'combination' fits into the scheme of things. Is she turning the dial to the bingo numbers as if its a safe or game. "Two little ducks, twenty two" then grandma searches for 22 on the dial. Just thinkin'. Is grandma suffering from dementia?
the call is eyes down, dears, for Bingo!
Her place, her time must be there somewhere. ...This line is absolutely wonderful.
This is not what she calls music.
Just a few thoughts for the pot

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

ray miller
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Re: Yesterday

Post by ray miller » Sun Jul 31, 2016 7:41 am

JJWilliamson wrote:Hi, Ray

A very interesting snapshot into the care home and most illuminating.
ray miller wrote:Edit

An evening light lullabies, although it’s only ...Does the evening light make the residents drowsy and send them to sleep? - That's the idea
2pm. There’s a talk show on the TV, ...I'm confused with the timeframe. Maybe we have different evening lights. - everything gets repeated, of course.
just the care staff tuning in. This time
would be opportune for grandmother to disappear, ..."This would be a good time" Just a suggestion.
if she occupied the dado walls, sunk ...I think she'd occupy the high backed chair next to the dado wall. Is that it? However, 'walls' is plural. I could be missing something. Are there chairs along a few of the walls? That would fit. (thinking as I go) - wall could be singular, now you mention it.
within a high back chair, framed by brown and cream. ...Is this representative of a dull colour scheme? A "beige" place to be. (apologies to Billy Connolly) - Yes.
But she lurks beyond that labyrinth of hallways,
stairs and corridors, hunched over a radio,
trying to find her frequency, turn up ...Is she searching for her favourite station? Does she refer to the channel as "my frequency"? It's a definite possibility. - I'll leave that open.
the correct combination, while below ...Not sure how 'combination' fits into the scheme of things. Is she turning the dial to the bingo numbers as if its a safe or game. "Two little ducks, twenty two" then grandma searches for 22 on the dial. Just thinkin'. Is grandma suffering from dementia? - hope I answered that in previous response.
the call is eyes down, dears, for Bingo!
Her place, her time must be there somewhere. ...This line is absolutely wonderful.
This is not what she calls music.
Just a few thoughts for the pot

Best

JJ
Thanks, JJ. You always ask interesting questions. Appreciate it.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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