Blind Boy

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ablackfoot
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Blind Boy

Post by ablackfoot » Sat Jul 18, 2015 12:55 pm

Blind Boy

Who kin to you?
Poor bat, babysat by buses,
none drops a coin for you.
Like a bit of
driftwood brushed by
salt, your face
just somebody's harp
of happenstance; the city lights
strum the blues against your glasses.

Lawful as a dog,
you wait with fat wonder
trimmed by soft
cleavers of sound
while you bend like thread -
stretch the maps
within your head around
our landmarks of conversation.

You're a little mouse
underneath the Messiah's door
turning towards a dignity
more secretly than Earth,
(the seasonal witch).
I see you extend to her
your hand.

ray miller
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Re: Blind Boy

Post by ray miller » Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:27 pm

I like the first 2 verses very much, though the last is doing little for me.

Who kin to you?
Poor bat, babysat by buses,
none drops a coin for you. - Fine opening 3 lines. I played around with the remaining line breaks, mostly because I didn't like the ending on of.
Like a bit of driftwood
brushed by salt,
your face somebody's
harp of happenstance;
the city lights strum
the blues against your glasses.

stretch the maps
within your head around
our landmarks of conversation. - that sounds like a pretty good description of what a blind person must do.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

David
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Re: Blind Boy

Post by David » Sun Jul 19, 2015 4:54 pm

ablackfoot wrote:the city lights
strum the blues against your glasses
I don't like that. Doesn't ring true for me at all. "Strum" is not "thrum", I know, but still. Apart from that, I agree with Ray:
ray miller wrote:I like the first 2 verses very much, though the last is doing little for me.
This bit -

trimmed by soft
cleavers of sound
while you bend like thread


- had me flummoxed, though.

Cheers

David

Antcliff
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Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Blind Boy

Post by Antcliff » Sun Jul 19, 2015 9:27 pm

Hi,

yes, with Ray, I liked much of the first two stanzas. Did not take much from the third...specifically this bit

turning towards a dignity
more secretly than Earth,
(the seasonal witch).
I see you extend to her
your hand.


With David, this does not ring true...

the city lights
strum the blues against your glasses


The lights strum?

What I am saying sounds a bit negative, doesn't it? Let me add then that I thought this was a very striking image...and a possible end?

You're a little mouse
underneath the Messiah's door


Best wishes, Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

brianedwards
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Re: Blind Boy

Post by brianedwards » Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:01 am

I like the maps line, but aside from that I'm at a loss. The voice is all over the place and I find the tone to be slightly insulting. Little as a description of a mouse is either deliberately condescending or just plain bad.

It appears I'm in the minority though...

B.

ablackfoot
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Joined: Fri Jun 26, 2015 7:02 pm

Re: Blind Boy

Post by ablackfoot » Mon Jul 20, 2015 5:10 am

I agree with a lot of what you guys said. Maybe "strum against your glasses" - no blues.

Thank you so much for your honest responses.

The tone actually is a bit harsh (condescending a bit) but tender too. That's just the tone the speaker takes. They don't mean to be insulting - more shocked the child has no one to take care of him. :)

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