Ecdysis

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brianedwards
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Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Thu Jul 09, 2015 7:51 am

Ecdysis

You should teach the world the art
of treating that old nemesis
depression, like any other bug
squashed underfoot until it spits

the olive pit of a mind's rot. You've taken
that pained smile, that lengthwise wedge
of lemon peel and sucked its pith.
Washed it down with bowls of raw fish

and blended fruits. Trim, you are,
as a Sunday hedge, lithe as pythons,
pliant as leather, a new you cut
from old you cloth, washed and pressed

and monogrammed with initials you dared
reclaim. I offer up a worm-smile.
Couched and cumbersome, too vermicular
to squirm out of your sun's beam.

Your treadmill turns up the heat and I
spit and pop. Soon you'll shed a blanket of you,
the you you don't need, the one I killed.
I'll wear it like a guilty smile.










~


PREVIOUSLY


You should teach the world the art
of treating that ole' bugbear
dee-pre-shun like any other fat
zit — squeeze, squeeze till pus spits

the olive pit of a mind's rot. You've taken
that pained smile, that lengthwise lodged
wedge of lemon peel and sucked its pith.
Washed it down with bowls of raw fish

and blended fruits. Trim, you are,
as a Sunday hedge, suddenly angular
as a white map of Africa, a new you cut
from old you cloth, washed and pressed

and monogrammed with initials you dared
reclaim. I offer up a worm-smile.
Couched and cumbersome, too vermicular
to squirm out of your sun's beam.

Your treadmill turns up the heat. My fatsuit
spits and pops. Soon I'll have a blanket of you,
the you you don't need, the one I killed.
I'll wear you like a guilty smile.










~

Ros
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Re: Ecdysis

Post by Ros » Thu Jul 09, 2015 9:01 am

Hmm, I think this is mostly effective, but unpleasant. I was expecting more of an insect metaphor rather than the spot bursting, from the title.

suddenly angular
as a white map of Africa,

seems from a different agenda.

I'm thinking

My fatsuit
spits and pops. Soon I'll have a blanket of you,
the you you don't need, the one I killed.

may be taking the metaphor too far - I'm not convinced by the idea of you wearing a blanket of her old self. I think if it had been a cast-off insect exoskeleton, that might work, but not a fat blanket. eugh.

Ros
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ray miller
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Re: Ecdysis

Post by ray miller » Thu Jul 09, 2015 12:35 pm

Enjoyed a lot, despite ole' bugbear dee-pre-shun, which I didn't think was a promising start. Depression would do fine.

Couched and cumbersome, too vermicular - a lovely line.

lengthwise lodged wedge - that's a bit of a mouthful. How about

that pained smile, that wedge of lemon peel
lodged lengthwise and sucked its pith.

I'm not sure about the Africa thing, either.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

brianedwards
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Re: Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Thu Jul 09, 2015 1:41 pm

Thanks guys. This one has been sitting in the journal for god knows how long, but today it was that Africa line that caught my attention, because thinking about the "Maps" competition. To be honest, because it was drafted so long ago I'm now unsure about my thinking on lots of these lines. I do like the sound of it though so I've had some fun playing with it today. I'll probably revise it again in the morning. Thanks for the input.

B.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by Elphin » Thu Jul 09, 2015 3:22 pm

Worth persevering with Brian, the sound, the language, the use of lemons/raw fish etc all very effective.

Like others the bits I like least, the whole fatsuit ending (not convincing) and the ole bug bear dee-pres-shun --- you don't need the fancy trickery here IMO.

Stanzas 2-3-4 like a lot, compelling reading. The "maps" line is great -- probably the most expressive similie i have seen for a while. Fair point to ask, is it in the right poem though.

Thoughts only

elph

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:10 am

Thanks all. Revision posted. I'll recycle that Africa line in a comp poem, hopefully.

B.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:29 am

Much better.
Reader-me could get in easily and was hooked until the last stanza which is somehow too much something.


Lithe as pythons- lovely

old-you cloth, i'd say.

dared to reclaim is better, i think.

Thinking about that last stanza.
Glad Africa left.

And an interesting title- had to look it up.

Suzanne

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:55 am

Thank you Suzanne. I can't make my mind up about "to". I originally had it in, then cut it, put it back, cut it again.
Glad it's reading better on the whole.

B.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:04 am

Well, i will be so bold as to say that it sounds too poetic and contrived without "it". Feels forced.

That last stanza, i am not sure but the last image of the N smiling guiltily. Maybe that is the problem.
The blanket metaphor might be confusing what's happening here.

The smile. Is the N happy? Sheepish? Why guilty?

The N has a blanket of unwanted, old-her and smiles w guilt.
It's the metaphor, i think. ?

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:16 am

Suzanne wrote:Well, i will be so bold as to say that it sounds too poetic and contrived without "it". Feels forced.
Well, now there's no way I'm putting it back in because that's just plain silly talk!

The other notes are useful. That last stanza is problematic I agree. Thinking . . .

B.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:19 am

No, it's not.
Just saying.

It belongs there. Pride can't erase facts.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:44 am

Just tried it again. Nope. I honestly prefer it without.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:52 am

It is a wonderfully diverse world.

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Re: Ecdysis

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 9:36 am

Just tried another tweak to last stanza. Closer I think. Thinking on smile. Maybe something that implies guilt? Thinking.

B.

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