One of Six Meanings of Love

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brianedwards
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One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jul 08, 2015 2:34 pm

One of Six Meanings of Love


Love once made of me
a moon, locked

in orbit with a shoulder
turning. Looked through

like a window, not a telescope,
I added minutes to her days.

And when it died
we carried on

anyway, each gouging
and gorging

until a kind of sick
game commenced,

a contest to see
who could fatten up,

who could metamorphosise
on a moonlit leaf

and wake the next day
a butterfly.








~

brianedwards
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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jul 08, 2015 2:36 pm

Reworking/ combination of an old one, some new ideas and experiences. Just noting in case any of you recognise any lines.

B.

Ros
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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by Ros » Wed Jul 08, 2015 4:01 pm

Excellent until the soluble fish, which is a curious image which seems at odds with the caterpillar idea later in the poem.

Ros
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brianedwards
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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jul 08, 2015 6:56 pm

Yeah. Gone.

B.

Suzanne
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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:29 am

The simplicity within your writing stops me with awe and then frustration.
Dang, you just show up and i am challenged. I love it.

If i had to come up with comment, i'd say the word season could be included near the end somewhere... But that is just for the purpose of making crit chatter.

I will write a couplet thing.
Maybe if i drink tea and ride over crowded public transport.....

Beautiful and sad poem.

Suzanne

ray miller
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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by ray miller » Fri Jul 10, 2015 1:26 pm

Very good. One of your best, I think.

Looked through

like a window, not a telescope,
I added minutes to her days - I don't get this last line, though, unless it's just a means of saying N became tiresome.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 1:33 pm

ray miller wrote:Very good. One of your best, I think
Ouch.

Cheers Ray.

B.

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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by ray miller » Fri Jul 10, 2015 1:36 pm

brianedwards wrote:
ray miller wrote:Very good. One of your best, I think
Ouch.

Cheers Ray.

B.
You're not so keen on it?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: One of Six Meanings of Love

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 1:38 pm

Not so much. But thanks Ray. I appreciate it.

B.

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