Accompaniment

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Suzanne
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Accompaniment

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 07, 2015 1:36 pm

Accompaniment

Maybe like an onion-
all those concealed layers.
Maybe I am nothing
but mysterious new layers
to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent layer.

Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.
He tells me I am a feast, he tells me
I am a rose.




2-------_
Maybe like an onion-
all those concealed layers.
Maybe I am nothing
but mysteriously new layers
to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent thing.

Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion. He tells me
I am a rose, he tells me
I'm a feast.





..........

But maybe like an onion-
all those concealed layers.
Maybe I am nothing
but mysteriously new layers
to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent layer.

Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.
He tells me I am a feast, he tells me
I'm a rose.





.
Last edited by Suzanne on Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:39 am, edited 6 times in total.

blackpanther
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by blackpanther » Tue Jul 07, 2015 3:21 pm

Suzanne wrote:Accompaniment

But maybe like an onion- ----- maybe lose the dash
all those concealed layers. ----- why the need for a full stop?
Maybe I am nothing
but mysteriously new layers ----- but mysterious new leaves
for you to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under ---- comma instead of a dash?
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent layer. ------- is another fragrant skin

Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert- ----- maybe lose the dash cos the pause and stop are there without it
maybe you see me as the onion. ------ lose the full stop cos you've included a natural pause
He tells me I am a feast, he tells me ------ comma after the first me?
I'm a rose. ----- love it



reads good - just thought that the word "layers" was a bit repetative to describe it. read it out loud and you'll understand what i mean :)

donna




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SteveR
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by SteveR » Tue Jul 07, 2015 4:03 pm

Suzanne,

I very much like the way you develop the idea and contrast.
I think the title brings out and adds meaning in the last stanza as well

Thanks for sharing

Steve

Suzanne
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 07, 2015 4:38 pm

Oh Donna! I might just record it for you!
The layer repeats are intentional. Same old same old same old. Thanks for commenting.

Stever,
Thank you. You are funny.

Suzanne

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Re: Accompaniment

Post by blackpanther » Tue Jul 07, 2015 6:06 pm

ooooops sorry !!!!!!

please feel free to inundate my inbox as you see fit :)

take care :)

donna

Suzanne
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:28 am

Oh, don't be sorry!
It is a valid comment and you may not like the repeats.
Let's see what the day brings...

brianedwards
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:53 am

Confused by both the first and last line. The start is a bit abrupt, an effect I do often like, but here it bumps me out for some reason. And the last line, rose reads like an extension of the feast idea, which is odd. Probably just me.
The layers also jarred for me, but it seemed obvious the repetition was deliberately forcing the theme.

B.

Suzanne
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jul 08, 2015 8:00 am

Could it be as easy as that little edit?

That would be lucky.

ray miller
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by ray miller » Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:27 am

I like the repetition, I'd bring back layer and throw out thing.
mysteriously, not just mysterious?

Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.

I'd end it there. Rose and feast are just muddying the waters.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
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Re: Accompaniment

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:31 am

I threw thing in on a whim.
It would be terrible to be seen as an onion-like thing.

I will put a layer back. Hoping to record it.

Thanks, ray.

Suzanne

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