Getting energy from the sun

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Suzanne
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Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:20 pm

Getting energy from the sun

Yes, I concede, breathing
takes precedence over position-
that is one of your constants.
I saw a documentary once

about a man who'd been released
after serving time for murder.
He had eaten his pretty, young victim-
madness had been his defense. Now sane,

he coolly unspun his logic, told how
he lured her to his apartment
because she was as vibrant as the sun
and he had been dead inside.

In his insanity, he'd believed
if he consumed her flesh, he'd take
her radiance into himself
and possess the life she possessed.

That sliver of space you hold between us
simply allows me to continue breathing.





.
Last edited by Suzanne on Tue Jul 07, 2015 1:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.

ray miller
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Re: Stealing energy from the sun

Post by ray miller » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:46 am

I read last week that the Australian Prime Minister rejects the use of solar panels because he believes their use will destroy the sun. I'm not convinced this poem is anything to do with that, but I can't really follow the argument.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:53 am

Thanks, ray. Maybe we will just get it rather than steal it.

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by ray miller » Mon Jul 06, 2015 11:01 am

Suzanne - put me out of my misery quickly and tell me it's nothing to do with the Australian PM. For I've already started knitting

I saw a documentary once

about a man who'd been released
after serving time for murder. - As we all know, all Australians are descended from convicts.

In his insanity, he'd believed
if he consumed her flesh, he'd take
her radiance into himself
and possess the life she possessed. - Don't aborigines believe that a photograph can capture their souls, or something like that?

Help.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 06, 2015 11:07 am

Lol.
Nope.

Nothing to do with science. Or politics. Or Australia.

brianedwards
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by brianedwards » Mon Jul 06, 2015 11:13 am

cooly - typo

Stunning. Right up there with your best I think Suzanne. Will return with a more critical eye and ear (particularly regards punctuation), but for now: Bravo.

B.

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Arian » Mon Jul 06, 2015 6:35 pm

brianedwards wrote: Stunning. Right up there with your best I think Suzanne. Bravo.

B.
Ditto. In spades. Very good indeed.

Could you lose the first 3 lines? I don't think that the finale requires them.

Whatever, it's first-rate.
Cheers
p

Suzanne
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 06, 2015 7:53 pm

WOW!! Yippee!


Thank you B!
Thank you peter!

I think i could loose those lines. I had thought of it as well but it is so tidy on the page. 14 lines, a weak turn but it is a turn... And they sound pretty good, i thought. Not sure. I will continue to think on it. Thank you!

Very encouarging. I appreciate it.

Suzanne

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by HenryBones » Mon Jul 06, 2015 8:53 pm

Hmmmm, very intriguing. I read the bulk of the poem as being, if I can put such a delicate piece in crude terms, a feminist lament - a sort of understated cry of anguish not just at all the horrible things men do to women, but the 'logic' of the justifications they then proffer for those (mis)deeds. If that's what you're going for, then the ambiguities of the sonnet - a form in which men have often refused to take no for an answer - is perfectly suited. I particularly liked the way the voice moved from first person in the first three lines, to hovering between the speaker and the murderer, as though the latter were threatening to consume the poem as he had the woman, only to then return to a fragile, conflicted but continuing sense of self in the last couplet. And there's definitely enough of a turn in 'Now sane' to justify calling it a sonnet!

I'm going to disagree with everyone on the first three lines - they seem to me a good, riddling intro, and a great way to launch the speaking voice, though I wonder - doesn't breathing always take precedence over position? Are there any circumstances when that isn't true? In which case, is the speaker addressing the 'constraints' of the body?

Anyways, a lovely poem, and a moving read,

Thanks,

HB

Suzanne
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:39 am

HB that was a joy to wake to this morning. Thank you for taking the time.

You have articulated quite accurately what i had intended, though in the writing of it, i did not need to go as deep.
The meaning of it is what you addressed. You stated it so well. Thank you.

I pondered those first 3 lines last night and concluded pretty much the same as you did. I think the begining line "Yes, i concede" sets many things in motion. A struggle, a submission, a plea, a dialogue. She has already lost something.

To begin, I had only the first three and the last two as my first stanza. As i continued into the documentary, i saw the value of separating them to give the poem a sonnet form. And wrap the breathing around the story.

Breathing always, always, does take precendence over position. Unless you are trying to kill someone.
Then the position (of dominance) takes precedence.

She acknowledges that he does doesn't kills her. He holds the sliver of air and lets her live because he likes having her around.

Warmly,
Suzanne
Last edited by Suzanne on Tue Jul 07, 2015 2:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

brianedwards
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:40 am

Yes, I concede, breathing
takes precedence over position, --- an em dash or colon maybe, instead of the comma?
that is one of your constants.
I saw a documentary once --- personally I'd prefer "once saw", but that could just be how I speak.

about a man who'd been released
after serving time for murder.
He had eaten his pretty, young victim; --- Is pretty relevant? Again, colon or dash instead of semi-colon?
madness had been his defense. Now sane,

he coolly unspun his logic; told how --- comma in place of s.c?
he lured her to his apartment --- not keen on lured. A bit too tabloid. No alternatives some to mind, yet.
because she was as vibrant as the sun. --- this covers pretty, in a much better way.
And he had been dead inside. --- Not sure why you start a new sentence here.

In his insanity, he'd believed
if he consumed her flesh, he'd take
her radiance into himself
and possess the life she possessed. --- she had possessed?

That sliver of space you hold between us
simply allows me to continue breathing. --- feels a syllable too long, but I don't know how to change without breaking the thought.

-----------------------------------------

Go careful with it.

B.

Suzanne
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 07, 2015 1:54 pm

Thank you B.

Great suggestions. I appreciate the punctuation help.

Adding had possessed changes the meaning. He wanted what she possessed. Not what she had possessed. His insanity is talking and the girl is still alive.

Lured is tough.

About pretty, young victim.

I like the two syllables so there is that.
But i think i like to use the cliche in it. I think it adds to the tabloid like feel of the story. Kind of makes lured work too.

Pretty-young thing.


Unsure.
?

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Arian » Tue Jul 07, 2015 6:54 pm

Suzanne wrote: 14 lines, a weak turn but it is a turn
14 seems to have acquired some kind of magical quality through the sonnet connection. But 14 lines does not (necessarily) a sonnet make, and I think you may be giving the number more reverence than it deserves. Personally, I'd rather have a good poem than a forced sonnet.

But that's a general point, not really relevant to this piece, which will be good whichever way you choose to go with it.

Cheers
p

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:48 pm

I'm confused about the whole sonnet discussion. This is not a sonnet. Not even close.
Good poem. Not a sonnet.


B.

David
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by David » Tue Jul 07, 2015 8:04 pm

Yes, very good, Suzanne. The phrasing throughout is excellent. I'm just not too taken with the last two lines. They don't seem to follow from what precedes them, and for me they're a bit of a let-down. I realise - nervously - that I seem to be in a minority of one on that. No matter ...

Very good poem (mostly).

Cheers

David

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 07, 2015 9:37 pm

Hi Suzanne

I agree, you have a fine poem here. I'm probably being a bit thick but I didn't follow
the first three lines, or the closing couplet. I like the format of four quatrains and a
couplet but I don't think you need to adapt this piece to fit the sonnet form, it's fine
as is.

The rest had me hooked from start to finish.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by HenryBones » Tue Jul 07, 2015 10:57 pm

Bah! The sonnet thing is my fault, I saw a series of quatrains and a couplet and just dived in when Suzanne mentioned fourteen lines. Mea culpa!
That being said, there is a fine and long-standing tradition of non-fourteen line sonnets - Milton, Hopkins, Yeats - and I still think 'Now being sane' works as a volte, so the poem might be thought of as being in conversation with sonnet, but I'm starting to get off-piste here. It wonderful writing, whatever you call it.

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jul 08, 2015 6:54 am

It is not a sonnet, i know. It has sonnet elements, yes. But that doesn't matter to me, though i wish it were magical, peter! Lol.

Thank you for the feedback. A few months down the line with fresh eyes, i will decide about those lines.
It is amazing how time can, indeed, be your friend.


Warmly,
Suzanne

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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 11, 2015 6:16 am

He had eaten his pretty, young victim-
madness had been his defense. Now sane,

he coolly unspun his logic, told how
he lured her to his apartment
because she was as vibrant as the sun
and he had been dead inside.
hi Suzanne,
Definitely scary, in the voice and the content - cold.
inside.

In his insanity
Perhaps too much 'in' there?

all the best

mac

Suzanne
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Re: Getting energy from the sun

Post by Suzanne » Sat Jul 11, 2015 8:14 am

Thanks mac,

I will think on those ins. Nice catch. Hmmmm... She ponders.

Suzanne

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