The art of packing for a trip

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brianedwards
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The art of packing for a trip

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 6:46 am

The art of packing for a trip

is an apt metaphor for marriage,
she thinks, rolling up his pants
into pocket-sized canisters of fun:

it's simply the negotiation of space,
manipulating objects into shape,
much like she got herself back into shape

to quickstep wires she'd seen trip
other wives. Apparently, in space
no-one hears you scream: ditto marriage.

Packing demands you find fun
and funny origami in men's pants;

moreover your man's pants,
a man whose out-of-shape
carcass suffers so much fun
on weekend business trips
that all else is the grind of marriage.

Ha! Did he regularly go to outer space?

Maybe. They had, after all, exhausted all space
between silence and his pants'
denial of the sanctity of marriage,

(his undies believed their natural shape
was squat and flat, a trap to trip
the foolish inhabitant seeking fun
in all the places where fun
shouldn't be) so perhaps space
would be ideal for a trip
for one: one man, one pair of pants,
crumpled and out of shape
both pants and man. And the marriage?

Don't talk to her about marriage
when her mind's fixed on the fun
she'll have in her newly-forged shape.

She'll give him space,
fold and pack his pants
and send him on his final trip.

An idea of marriage now takes shape
in the space she's saved between pants
and talk of trips: yes, it's time to have fun.









~

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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by Ryder » Fri Jul 03, 2015 2:48 pm

Although a very clever take, and somewhat entertaining take, on a woman maniacally dealing with an ultimatum I think it's too depressingly repetitive. Of course thoughts cycle in her situation, hone in on anything, everything from one minute to the next and kudos for capturing one minute of that process. I'm just not sure it makes particularly interesting poetry.
But kudos for trying

Dave.

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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 6:31 pm

Yeah repetition is the point. I thought the form fit. Maybe not. Oh well.

Cheers.

B.

ray miller
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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by ray miller » Fri Jul 03, 2015 6:36 pm

I like it ever so much. The title is pants, though.

She'll give him space, - I think him should be italicised

(his undies believed their natural shape
was squat and flat, a trap to trip
the foolish inhabitant seeking fun
in all the places where fun
shouldn't be) - that's good, the best bit

I don't think it is about a woman maniacally dealing with an ultimatum but I'll come back tomorrow when I'm sober.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 6:43 pm

ray miller wrote:
I don't think it is about a woman maniacally dealing with an ultimatum but I'll come back tomorrow when I'm sober.
Nor did I!

Title is a place marker. Suggestions welcome.
Good point about italics.

Thanks Ray.

B.

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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by Ros » Fri Jul 03, 2015 7:55 pm

Cleverly done. Spoilt a bit for me by taking a while to determine whether you were using 'pants' with the US or UK meaning.

Packing demands you find fun
and funny origami in men's pants;

Really?

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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brianedwards
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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 7:58 pm

Ros wrote: Packing demands you find fun
and funny origami in men's pants;

Really?

Ros
Apparently.

Cheers me dear.

B.

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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by Ros » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:02 pm

brianedwards wrote:
Ros wrote: Packing demands you find fun
and funny origami in men's pants;

Really?

Ros
Apparently.

Cheers me dear.

B.
Damn. A whole area of entertainment passes me by.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:16 pm

Never too late to start. Boxer briefs make great bunny rabbits.

B.

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Re: I'm afraid this one has been declined too, Sir

Post by Ros » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:22 pm

I'll bear that mind.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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brianedwards
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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 9:10 pm

Retitled.

B.

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Re: Pants

Post by Ros » Fri Jul 03, 2015 10:20 pm

The title fits, but it's not very imaginative. Still enjoying the poem, though.

Ros
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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 10:34 pm

I have another sestina titled Fun With Black Ships. How about Fun With Underpants?

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Re: Pants

Post by ray miller » Sun Jul 05, 2015 11:22 am

to quickstep wires she'd seen trip
other mothers

I didn't notice before but wouldn't wives be more apt than mothers?
Much better title. You could call it Brief Poem but it's not.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 05, 2015 11:32 am

The idea is that she got back into shape after giving birth. Hence mother. Maybe "got back into shape" is needed?

B.

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Re: Pants

Post by David » Sun Jul 05, 2015 12:32 pm

It's a sestina! So that's what it is. Hang on, I don't like sestinas. But I like this. Maybe it's the idea of them - or the maladroitly handled sestina - that I don't like.

It's very good, Brian. Funny and sad, and very skilful.

I'm not keen on either title, though. I almost think - boringly, perhaps - that some variant on "packing for a trip" would be better.

Cheers

David

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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 05, 2015 12:44 pm

David, thank you.
You know, the ideal title for this, just struck me, is the Japanese expression used when leave taking: 行ってきます - Ittekimasu - which means literally to go and then return. Perfect here for its irony, I think. But of course, being an English language poem, it's much too obscure.
Thinking hat is on. Cheers. Glad you liked this sixer, my favourite form. Poetic Pilates. Come join me in the gym?

B.

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Re: Pants

Post by Ros » Sun Jul 05, 2015 1:50 pm

brianedwards wrote:The idea is that she got back into shape after giving birth. Hence mother. Maybe "got back into shape" is needed?

B.
I didn't get that idea at all.

I like what you've done to break the standard sestina verses up - works very well. I'm still not a fan of the form - however cleverly done, I'm wearying of the repeats by about verse 4.

Ros
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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 05, 2015 2:05 pm

Slight tweak to that section.

Ros, I think a lack of concentration says more about you, or about stuff, than it does a 400 year poetic tradition...


B.

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Re: Pants

Post by Ros » Sun Jul 05, 2015 2:13 pm

brianedwards wrote:Slight tweak to that section.

Ros, I think a lack of concentration says more about you, or about stuff, than it does a 400 year poetic tradition...


B.
Very probably. There's a lot of stuff about.
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Re: Pants

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:33 am

Tidy Whities as a title?

I enjoyed imagining her packing his things and daydreaming about his trip. Could see it happening... Probably does happen, daytime soap opera droning in the background.

Didn't think scream was the right word in S9. I didn't get the idea that anyone would be screaming at her.

I know nothing of the form and better go read about it.
Suzanne

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Re: Pants

Post by ray miller » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:38 am

brianedwards wrote:The idea is that she got back into shape after giving birth. Hence mother. Maybe "got back into shape" is needed?

B.
I'd still go for wives, but then I like the wires/wives sound.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

brianedwards
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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:57 am

Cheers me peers.
Took a shot with scream. I guess it could be argued it's off key. May well change that after all Ray. Thinking on...

B.

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Re: Pants

Post by brianedwards » Mon Jul 06, 2015 11:07 am

Just remembered the Sestina Workshop we attempted a while back.

viewtopic.php?f=42&t=14327&p=113394&hil ... op#p113394

It ended up a car wreck because of trolls we had at that time, but I wonder if something like this isn't worth trying again?

I'd be up for doing something.

B.

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Re: The art of packing for a trip

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 10:47 am

Tweaked this one too, taking on board suggestions from David, Ray and Suzanne. Thanks all.

B.

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