The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5932
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by Macavity » Fri Jul 03, 2015 3:46 am

revision

After that mosaic break-up
of marriage and pets and sons
the fragments became useful
to plug the hole at the base -
a shattered vase does a job
in a pot of moist compost.
Reassured, this dark matter
rotted to a new purpose.
Like honeymoon bliss the roots
delved to sucking with glee
upon our fat memories
till the plant bore a plump fruit.




original

After that mosaic break-up
the fragments became useful
to plug the hole at the base -
a wedding vase does a job
in a pot of moist compost.
Reassured, this dark matter
opaque as the universe
with no trace of nebula -
rotted to a new purpose.
Like a mushroom bliss the mesh
rooted to sucking with glee
upon our fat memories
till the plant bore a plump fruit.
Last edited by Macavity on Sun Jul 05, 2015 12:22 pm, edited 4 times in total.

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:52 am

Mac,

My ear wants to hear "broke up" in the first line, and also perhaps a hint as to what the mosaic was or looked like, just to add some colour?
I like "opaque as the universe" but I'd need to check with Ros as to its accuracy. Couldn't get a handle on "mushroom bliss" but do like the sound of those closing lines.

B.

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries

Post by Arian » Fri Jul 03, 2015 6:37 pm

Hi mac.

Like brian, 'broke up' works better for me, unless you're using mosaic adjectivally, which would be novel. It might work, though.

I really like the first few lines, and (again, like B) the last two, but the middle tends to make the narrative somewhat opaque. As the Universe.

Or maybe that's deliberate irony.

Interesting piece
Cheers
p

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5932
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:48 pm

Thanks B. and Peter. I've revised in light of your comments. Appreciated.

all the best

mac

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13711
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by David » Sat Jul 04, 2015 6:08 pm

I think the revision is an improvement, in terms of phrasing, but I'm still having trouble understanding the central image - specifically, the relationship between the mosaic and the vase.

So, still a bit opaque for me.

Cheers

David

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by brianedwards » Sat Jul 04, 2015 8:34 pm

Seems pretty clear to me Mac. Too clear? Dunno.

B.

Arian
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2718
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
antispam: no
Location: Hertfordshire, UK

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by Arian » Sun Jul 05, 2015 11:22 am

I've warmed to mosaic, now, I think. I assume it's taking an adjectival role, meaning that while individual relationships fractured, the 'family picture' was, in some sense, still recognisable as a whole. If so, it's a rather nice. Well done on sticking with it.

Overall, it's clearly allegorical, but - like David - the allegory still escapes me. Nice sound to it, though.

Cheers
peter

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 05, 2015 11:39 am

I see an old vase, a wedding gift, being used as a makeshift plant pot that eventually gives forth fresh fruit. And the speaker is using the memories and experiences of the painful dissolution of that marriage, to bring their new life to fruition. I may be wrong, but I'm enjoying that read very much.

B.

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:12 pm

Hi mac,

I liked this happy ending of something shattered. Nice idea.

My only nit was 'does a job' i think the sounds are like blop blop blop instead of the easy flow of the rest. I am sorry i do not have a more creative suggestion but i thought i would mention it in case you had some other choice of words while writing.
But! I liked it.

Suzanne

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5932
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by Macavity » Sun Jul 05, 2015 7:51 pm

Thanks David, Peter and B. for coming back, and Suzanne. Pleased ' fruition' from the 'fractured' pictured was picked up. I was aiming for the ordinary, but I'll have a think about that blop blop blop :)

all the best

mac

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: The taste of fresh strawberries (revised)

Post by ray miller » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:34 am

Reassured, this dark matter
rotted to a new purpose.

What, or who, is reassured?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Post Reply