The circus tent billows in the wind

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dedalus
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The circus tent billows in the wind

Post by dedalus » Wed Jul 01, 2015 12:22 am

The procession halts
in a fanfare of blazing trumpets,
a cough of rolling drums.

Sudden silence!
Let me introduce my friends:
step up and say hello!

Gene is acrobatic:
he scurries in and out of locked rooms,
but has never yet been caught.

Anne is temperamental,
which means what it says,
mental with a temper.

I shall chew the leafy drug,
remove but some of my clothes,
and sing the song of loneliness.

Outside there is the rain
which runs along the road.
My words are all in vain,
they stumble out in code.

Turn back time forever,
no longer let it run.
This, then, this endeavour,
halts. Here am I done.
Last edited by dedalus on Sun Jul 05, 2015 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

David
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Re: The circus tent billows in the wind

Post by David » Sun Jul 05, 2015 12:53 pm

Terrific title, I think.

But I don't much like V1. It brings the tone of the whole poem down. Can you lose it, Bren? The procession halts is a perfectly decent place to start.

Not sure I see the significance of Gene or Ann. Or, if there is a significance to Gene, I don't see Ann's. Should there - could there - be more friends?
dedalus wrote:I shall chew the leafy drug,
remove but some of my clothes,
and sing the song of loneliness.
That's my favourite bit.

Cheers

David

dedalus
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Re: The circus tent billows in the wind

Post by dedalus » Sun Jul 05, 2015 1:35 pm

Thanks, David. I was trying for simplicity of rhyme but what I got was a clodhopper.I feel there's more wrong somewhere ....

Suzanne
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Re: The circus tent billows in the wind

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 06, 2015 10:57 am

Add some more people, Bren.
Three or so....

I like the opening image. Chuckled at temper and mental.

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Re: The circus tent billows in the wind

Post by ablackfoot » Tue Jul 07, 2015 12:22 am

I felt there was promise all through this poem, maybe it just needs some fresh writing. The opening is clipped. The scene of a halted procession is shortchanged, even though a cough of drums is great. Maybe move from lyric description - you do end in lyric, you could make a return or even recycle some lines - moving on to your narrative description. Gene, Ann, and the speaker are nice but there is something wanting in this loneliness. It is almost drug addled: they disappear not to be remembered. Is this the way you want the poem though? Because it is unsatisfying. Very nice elements in the stanza on the leafy drug, except the management of the sound in "loneliness". Though the word may be just right, the line becomes maybe too long. Look forward to reading more of your pieces. Thanks for piece. :)

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