Tsuki

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brianedwards
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Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:20 am

Tsuki

We've waxed and waned so much this month
the tide's unsure

of where I end and you begin.
It pulls me in.







~

Suzanne
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Re: Tsuki

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:38 am

This is lovely, B.
I admire the sparsity. And it still has such depth of emotion.

Welcome back,
Suzanne

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Re: Tsuki

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:43 am

And such thoughtful line breaks.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:59 am

Suzanne wrote:And such thoughtful line breaks.
Are there any other kind?

Thank you.

B.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by Firebird » Tue Jun 09, 2015 12:11 pm

I like your use in the title of the Japanese word for moon and that it's a homonym in Japanese also meaning the thrust of a sharp object.

brianedwards wrote:Tsuki

We've waxed and waned so much this month (February - an early month)
the tide's unsure

of where I end and you begin.
It pulls me in. (The end rhyme enhances the feeling of being pulled here. Nicely done)

I like it, a lot: short but full of meaning.

All my best,

Tristan









~

ray miller
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Re: Tsuki

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 09, 2015 12:27 pm

Hello Brian. Nice to read you again. I like it very much. I wondered about moon instead of month, just for the close rhyme. I suppose I expected It pulls us in at the end. Could go either way.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 12:29 pm

Thanks Tristan. Your homonym observation is interesting but no intention on my part there. The title is purely intended as reference to the moon. If you find any other relevance in the connection then go ahead and enjoy.

B.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 12:33 pm

Hi Ray

What you hearing as a close rhyme? Always curious as to how our ears differ.
Us would make a very different poem.
Cheers.

B.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 09, 2015 5:24 pm

Just the oo sound in moon and sure, close rhyme overstates it. Anyhow, much this month sounds good.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 7:29 pm

Ahh, I don't hear oo in sure.
Thanks Ray.

B.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 11, 2015 9:12 am

Hey!

Lots of tension and it feels like lots is going on with so few words.

I liked it.

I don't know what Tsuki means, but I liked that word too.

Mic

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Re: Tsuki

Post by David » Thu Jun 11, 2015 1:13 pm

Hi Brian. Very nice to see you out and about again.

Trying to unpick the logic of this is hurting my brain, but leaving the logic aside (as too hard for me) the result is very attractive. That last line is very pleasing in its effect. (Reminded me of Percy Sledge's great song - written by Dan Penn - It Tears Me Up.)

Cheers

David

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Thu Jun 11, 2015 1:45 pm

Ahh, logic. 'Tis both old friend and bitter foe... If the tide doesn't know, then what chance have we David.

Very nice to be back.

'Arry Gateaux.

B.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by Ros » Thu Jun 11, 2015 4:46 pm

Good one. Like the rhythm.

Ros
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Re: Tsuki

Post by Antcliff » Thu Jun 11, 2015 6:09 pm

Enjoyed this, Brian

Good to see you active again. Welcome back. I think the title adds nicely.

I wouldn't miss "this month"

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Thu Jun 11, 2015 6:29 pm

Antcliff wrote: I wouldn't miss "this month"
Lol.

Thanks you two.

B.

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Re: Tsuki

Post by Ros » Fri Jun 12, 2015 12:23 pm

I'd agree that 'this month' makes the sentence feel a little long but I think it's needed for the moon reference.

Ros
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Re: Tsuki

Post by Arian » Fri Jun 12, 2015 6:50 pm

Nice to see you around these parts again, Brian.

I like this a lot. It's economy seems to enhance its emotional impact, rather than detract from it.

Google tells me that Tsuki means 'moon'. It also seems to be a standard term for a thrust to the throat, in kendo. Any significance in that? If so, I'm missing it.

Good piece
peter

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Re: Tsuki

Post by BenRhodes » Mon Jun 15, 2015 7:56 pm

Very nice Brian. I like how minimal and deep it is. I was brought up by the sea and it often seeps unconsciously into my writing.

Keep on,

Ben

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Re: Tsuki

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jun 17, 2015 1:17 am

Thanks Ros, Peter and Ben for further comments. Apologies for delay in acknowledgment.

B.

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