Ladyfingers- edit

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Suzanne
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Ladyfingers- edit

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:50 pm

Bring me a new tomorrow.
Tie a bow on it before it wilts,
prop it up and wrap it in pink tissue,
put my name on it after yours. Don't promise

to dance for me. Or write some phrase
that will lace my heart back together.
I don't need a song. Keep Christmas Eve
in your pocket. I don't need next year
or Valentine's Day.
Don't bring me birthdays. I don't want

to be entangled in family ties,
or pinned with a branding tool. Don't
own me or have me or think you can
automatically wear me
on your arm after dinner
when all the candles are blown out.

Offer me a plate of delicious tomorrows
like biscuits to melt in my mouth
until they are gone.





with a last name to by family ties
.
Last edited by Suzanne on Fri Jun 12, 2015 6:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Arian
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Re: Ladyfingers

Post by Arian » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:54 pm

Those last 3 lines are great, Suzanne. But the whole thing's good.

Is...

pinned with a branding tool

a sort of mixed metaphor? Or, at least, a confused image?

Nice to read

Cheers
peter

Suzanne
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Re: Ladyfingers

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jun 09, 2015 3:20 pm

Thank you! Such encouragement after a long break from writing...
That felt good.

I was imagining a cowboy with a calf pinned under him, a branding iron hot and ready.
Maybe "pinned down"?

All other substitutions that come to mind seem dull.

Thank you, peter.

Suzanne

ray miller
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Re: Ladyfingers

Post by ray miller » Tue Jun 09, 2015 5:20 pm

Nice poem, Suzanne. I do think the 2nd and 3rd verses could be condensed, the theme is repetitive, while this is confusing:
put my name on it after yours /I don't want to be entangled with a last name


Or write some phrase
that will lace my heart back together - nice line
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Suzanne
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Re: Ladyfingers

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jun 09, 2015 8:42 pm

Thank you ray,

the second verse addresses what not to bring, the third is telling what not to do. i think... ... Kind of.. Generally.
I see that about the names, i'll have a think. Yes.

Suzanne

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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jun 12, 2015 6:45 pm

Thanks, ray.

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Re: Ladyfingers

Post by Arian » Fri Jun 12, 2015 6:57 pm

Suzanne wrote: I was imagining a cowboy with a calf pinned under him, a branding iron hot and ready.
Maybe "pinned down"?
Yes, I see what you're driving at. Personally, I don't think the metaphor works in its current form. Too forced. Maybe something like...

I don't want

to be entangled in family ties;
branded with your conventions. Don't
own me or have me or think you can
automatically wear me

...or similar. Just a suggestion.

Cheers
p

Suzanne
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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jun 12, 2015 7:03 pm

Oooo.

Thank you for the suggestion. I have to think.
i don't like family ties. Argh.
Pinned i don't dislike. Such a quandary.

Edits.

X

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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by brianedwards » Fri Jul 10, 2015 7:54 am

Suzanne, I'm immediately put off by the first line. It just has a cheesy pop lyric feel to it and I have to work hard right from the start to engage. Then the sequence of actions seems all wrong. Shouldn't it be wrapped first, then labelled, then tied with a bow and propped? This may sound picky, but you see how that works? Once one thing bumps me out of the read, I find myself concerned with such details afterwards.
S2 doesn't really go anywhere after that, just feels like treading water before you dive deeper in the more interesting latter half. Some thoughts on the opening:

Wrap tomorrow in pink tissue,
write my name and yours
and tie it with a bow. Don't promise

to dance for me, or try
to phrase my heart back together.
I need neither Valentine's
nor Christmas Eve. Don't pin

me down . . . .


Hope there's something there you can use.

B.

Suzanne
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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 10, 2015 12:35 pm

Thank you, B.

Those are excellent points. I have to catch my breath and rethink.
I appreciate you telling me your take. Really liked your rewrite. Gosh.

Phrase my heart was clever.
I will give it some thought,

Warmly,
Suzanne

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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by Antcliff » Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:10 pm

Wondered if there was too much "it" in the first stanza? Could "on it" on line 4 go?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Jul 16, 2015 8:57 am

Lovely poem, Suzanne. I enjoyed it very much.

A couple of thoughts for you to consider:
Suzanne wrote:Bring me a new tomorrow ...I quite like this opening line even though 'new tomorrow' has a hackneyed feel.
Tie a bow on it before it wilts,
prop it up and wrap it in pink tissue, ...Pink tissues and bows. Yip, you're really going for it here. :)
put my name on it after yours. Don't promise ...Nice metaphor throughout.

to dance for me. Or write some phrase
that will lace my heart back together. ...like it. Laces and hearts I have seen before.
I don't need a song. Keep Christmas Eve
in your pocket. I don't need next year ...Love Christmas Eve in the pocket. I see you fail to mention Christmas Day. Some things are just too difficult to give up. :)
or Valentine's Day.
Don't bring me birthdays. I don't want

to be entangled in family ties,
or pinned with a branding tool. Don't ...How about 'seared' instead of 'pinned'.
own me or have me or think you can
automatically wear me
on your arm after dinner
when all the candles are blown out. ...I like the way the speaker is emphasising her individuality. She wants to be recognized as a person and not a trophy?

Offer me a plate of delicious tomorrows
like biscuits to melt in my mouth
until they are gone. ...Great close, lovely simile and buttery biscuits to melt in the mouth.

Enjoyed this.

Best

JJ





with a last name to by family ties
.
Long time a child and still a child

Suzanne
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Re: Ladyfingers- edit

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jul 17, 2015 2:30 pm

Thank you Seth and JJ,

I appreciate your comments a lot. When I get some distance from it, i am going to edit it again.
I like seared vs pinned. And will consider all my its. Lol.


X
Suzanne

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