Little Wing

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Suzanne
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Little Wing

Post by Suzanne » Sat Jun 06, 2015 2:30 pm

Little Wing

She looks posed for a painting,
nestled on a corner beam
where clear plexiglass roof meets
the outhouse wall. She is stilled,
away from the jostled apple blossoms
under a billowing sky.

Strong breezes teased an entrance
through the heart-shaped window.
And once trapped, it didn't matter
that everything she needed
was within view, or that
she had strength in her wings.

She must have tried for days,
sang every song.
Must have whirled and whirled
before she perched,
poked her beak through the slats,
and waited to be taken.






She must have tried for days,
sang every song, begged for an answer.
Must have whirled relentlessly
before she finally perched, then poked

her beak through the slats to peep
one last time and wait to be taken.






Original
I knew when I looked in her eyes

She looks posed for a painting,
nestled on a corner beam
where clear plexiglass roof meets
the outhouse wall. She is stilled

under a billowing sky,
wind jostling blossoms
in the apple trees. Her beak
rests in a crack between two planks.

Strong breezes teased an invitation
through the heart-shaped window,
under heavy cotton lace
an entrance was revealed.

Everything she wanted was within view;
crisp spring greens, blue and white summer
abundance on its way. Everything she needed
was possible, she'd strength in her wings.

She must have tried for days, perhaps
into long nights. She must have sung
all her songs like looking for the right key.
Must have whirled relentlessly before

finally exhausted, flew up and perched.
Poked her beak through pine slats,
peeped one last time,
and quietly waited to be taken.







.
Removed white from S2.
Removed: Now nothing made sense.
Last edited by Suzanne on Fri Jun 12, 2015 7:07 pm, edited 5 times in total.

blackpanther
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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by blackpanther » Sat Jun 06, 2015 6:24 pm

really liking the imagery in this piece :)

but "blue and white summer" -- why not just summer?

the ending is really good cos it gives your piece a complete ending :)

really nice to read you :)

donna

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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jun 07, 2015 6:49 am

Too many modifiers. :roll:
Suzanne wrote: Now nothing made sense.
This line works for the tenor but not the vehicle. I'm no ornithologist, but I'm fairly sure the concept of "sense" doesn't extend to our avian friends.

I read the first stanza as pertaining to a very specific oil painting "nestled in a corner where plexiglass roof meets ..." I don't know if that's my problem or the poem but thought it worth flagging.

Overall, it reads like an interesting early draft. The metaphor is lost a little in the (flowery?) descriptions. I think it would be more powerful if spoken more plainly. You write first person poems well, so I'm not sure why you've opted to cloak this conceit in abstract allusions. Could it be that all your songs have been sung? I doubt it.

B.

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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jun 07, 2015 6:57 am

So happy dizzy, i can't think.



B.

B!

I'll edit when these modifier shod feet touch the ground....

:)

.... I've been waiting for you
.

Suzanne
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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jun 07, 2015 7:08 am

Interesting early draft... Sheesh. You want better?

She wiggles in her chair and sits up straight.

Suzanne
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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jun 07, 2015 7:29 am

Thank you, donna.
I wanted the blue and white to hint at the sky. Maybe i should just say sky. Lol.
blackpanther wrote:really liking the imagery in this piece :)

but "blue and white summer" -- why not just summer?

the ending is really good cos it gives your piece a complete ending :)

really nice to read you :)

donna

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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by blackpanther » Sun Jun 07, 2015 1:43 pm

sorry to knit pick but in your poem you mention

"white billowing clouds" - so if the clouds are white then why not just put

"and crisp greens, set in a blue summer sky" and leave the white out?

just makes more sense to me - sorry

the imagery is there it just needs a touch of finesse is all :)

donna

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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jun 07, 2015 2:11 pm

Actually, the line is "white billowing sky", in which the word white is redundant. Billowing implies clouds and the nature of those clouds is apparent elsewhere in the poem. Billowing sky is quite good.

B.

Suzanne
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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by Suzanne » Sun Jun 07, 2015 2:18 pm

Yes.

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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jun 07, 2015 10:49 pm

Condense S2&3 and bring the wind/breeze lines closer together? Tighten S4&5 to sharpen the conceit? I'm hearing a 4 stanza extended metaphor with a clean break between observed and observer. Fairly standard stuff Suzanne. Put those silly paintbrushes down, we've work to do.

B.

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Re: I knew when I looked into her eyes

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:44 pm

Thank you, B.
I will think on that tidy idea and edit again...

and read your latest posted poem, lol.
Been writing, B. ??


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Re: Little Wing

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:51 pm

Well.
Hmm....

What say you?


Or you? Or you??

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Re: Little Wing

Post by SteveR » Tue Jun 09, 2015 4:47 am

Hi Suzanne,

I love this poem. To me it seems a powerfully sad love poem. I got that from the bird having flown in through a heart-shaped window.

Considering that the bird was trapped and died, the word "nestled" bothered me in S1. You imply the bird fought to the end. Nestled just didn't seem quite right.

I would have liked to see you start with S2

Lastly, might I suggest the following? Adding a break to emphasize the finality of the last time she perched? Does it destroy the rhythm or flow too much?


She must have tried for days,
sang every song, begged for an answer.
Must have whirled relentlessly
before she perched

poked her beak through the slats
peeped one last time
and waited to be taken.

I very much like this poem. To me a commentary of being trapped after being seduced by love

brianedwards
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Re: Little Wing

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 5:22 am

I think it could stand to be trimmed some more. Not keen on those two adverbs in the final stretch. And how about ditching the full stop, ending with a run-on sentence that evokes that feeling of relentless whirling? Something like:

She must have tried for days,
sang every song, whirled
and whirled before
she perched, then poked

her beak through slats to peep
and wait.


Just my thoughts.

B.

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Re: Little Wing

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jun 10, 2015 6:42 pm

Thanks Steve, I appreciate your comments. I am glad you liked it. I have edited. I added the first line back into it, i thought it made nestled a bit more visual. The bird was nestled in a corner. I thought it was alive at first, cowering when i opened the door. But no, she was dead. She was so perfectly placed. The sky through the roof was so very blue and the apple blossoms had opened that afternoon. I won't forget this. I blabbered on. Lol. Thank, Steve.

B., another edit. I am hoping it is done now. Debated alot about whirled and whirled, but nope. But i liked the faster pace, hope i pull that off.

Warmly,
Suzanne

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Re: Little Wing

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 11, 2015 8:09 am

Hi Suzanne, some comments without reading what others have said, so there may be repetition:

I find the scenario a little bit cliched (and some of the language, e.g. 'billowing sky'), and there is a bit too much melodrama for me (e.g. the heart-shaped window, and that rather self-conciously dangling last line), but it does have something goin' on!

I'd attempt to make the language just a little less flowery, and re-attach the last line.

Mic

:-)
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Suzanne
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Re: Little Wing

Post by Suzanne » Fri Jun 12, 2015 7:26 pm

Thank for the comments, Mic.

No kidding this was all the real scenario. It was shocklingly like tripping into a netaphor.

Upon entering the outhouse, a new transparent roof installed, i noticed a sparrow and thought it was nesting. Or hiding from my presence. I marveled at how pretty it looked in thr corner. Then looked closer and noticed its eyes were sunken in. Then realized it must have been trapped for days before it died.... Must have tried. Flown in little circles hitting the ceiling! And i had walked through the apple trees to get there and noted that the blossoms were still round and just opening- that the wind was knocking them open. I could see the branches through the ceiling and i the blue and white sky and i swear the clouds were the perfect description of billowing.

That the bird had actually come through the heart shaped window covered with lace and that her beak was poking between two slats.... And how incredibably peaceful she looked...
Well. It was a tragedy and shocklingly poetic.

I understand what you are saying, i do... But no kidding this is just as it happened.

Thanks for letting me tell you.
What a sad, yet somehow beautiful, thing i was given.

Warmly,
Suzanne

And a nod to Brian for whirled and whirled. Thanks.

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