Playing the same piece of music

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Antcliff
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Playing the same piece of music

Post by Antcliff » Sun May 31, 2015 1:35 pm

over and again,
as if I am a teen
with my first record.
But now a fantastically complex,
alto sax piece,
odd piles of notes,
one time signature
imposed on another.
Press, go, repeat.
Humming the middle bit.
Press, go, repeat,
trying to hum the middle bit.
Press, go, repeat,
trying to hum middle age.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

David
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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by David » Mon Jun 01, 2015 6:54 pm

I think I can almost hear this piece.

Do you need the comma after "complex"?

I like the developments on that line towards the end, but does "trying to hum middle age" quite pin it? I'm not sure that it does, but I know exactly what you mean.

Cheers

David

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Macavity » Mon Jun 01, 2015 7:07 pm

Antcliff wrote:over and again,
as if I am a teen
with my first record.
But now a fantastically complex,
alto sax piece,
odd piles of notes,.........seemed too general in comparison to the specific signature...the latter implied knowledge...
one time signature
imposed on another.
Press, go, repeat.
Humming the middle bit.
Press, go, repeat,
trying to hum the middle bit.
Press, go, repeat,
trying to hum middle age.
The repetitions of youth in older life...the obsessions of...that's how I read it. The final line was a mystery to me...perhaps a passing beyond middle age? Perhaps the jazz is a contrast to the repetition...thats why he can't replicate like the recording? In youth could hum simple songs?

all the best

mac

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Antcliff » Wed Jun 03, 2015 9:27 am

Thanks, David

Darn, shame about the last line. Someone has suggested cutting it, as it spells out the preceding lines. Must ponder.

Thanks, Mac

Yes, that notes line is a bit vague...I had in mind something that is not stated. That the oddity of the notes is suggestive of the imposition. I have been listening to a particular saxophonist recently. Will work on it.

What I was partly going for was the complexity of middle age in comparison with teen years. Simple tunes replaced by jazz numbers of far greater complexity and certainly less easy to hum.


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Macavity
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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Macavity » Wed Jun 03, 2015 4:54 pm

What I was partly going for was the complexity of middle age in comparison with teen years. Simple tunes replaced by jazz numbers of far greater complexity and certainly less easy to hum.
Yes, I thought that was in there Seth, though that final line caused me to speculate more and there was a focus on repetition in the poem.

all the best

mac

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by David » Wed Jun 03, 2015 5:29 pm

Antcliff wrote:What I was partly going for was the complexity of middle age in comparison with teen years. Simple tunes replaced by jazz numbers of far greater complexity and certainly less easy to hum.
Ah, I didn't quite get that. What I thought I was getting more of a middle-aged inability to respond to music in the same way as a teenager does. Which I suppose is right, except for the inability bit - it's something different.

So, very tentatively, how would you feel about something like "modulating into middle age" as a last line? Not quite the thing, probably.

Or possibly interpolate lines like "no longer the crash bang wallop / of adolescence" into the body of the poem, to heighten the contrast in the different musics?

I'm just trying to help here!

ray miller
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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by ray miller » Wed Jun 03, 2015 5:39 pm

I like half of it but the last 6 lines don't do much for me. Press, go, repeat is fine. Something about humming the middle eight/middle age might be an improvement of sorts.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Antcliff
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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Antcliff » Wed Jun 03, 2015 5:48 pm

Ta, Mac

I see your point about the repetition, yes. Hmm.

Ta, Ray

Middle eight may be the thing. Good idea.

Ta, David

Yeh, such an interpolation may be the thing. Pondering modulating.


Thanks for your help, lads. Cool cats in the band.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fmqvY38_Lc
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by jmurray » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:27 am

My first critique on the site.
Liked the tone of the poem and its simplicity.
Would start on the second line over and over again
is a bit of a cliche. as if I'm a teen is a stronger start.
Would replace record with disc. Would delete But and fantastically.
Humming the middle bit could be a refrain. Leave out the trying.
Stronger last line could be:
Can't get past the middle bit

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:52 am

Hi Seth,

Much stronger if you nix the first 8 lines? As is, it's more a (fantastically complex) diary entry than a poem.

B.

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Mic » Thu Jun 11, 2015 9:42 am

Hi Seth!

Comments before reading what others have to say:

I rather liked this, until that last line, which is just trying too hard (in my view) to reach for an 'epiphanic moment'.
Trouble is, I'm not sure that what you have (without that last line) is quite enough.

Perhaps not very useful thoughts, but they're my thoughts.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Antcliff
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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Antcliff » Thu Jun 11, 2015 5:13 pm

Thanks, Mic...good to see you active again :D

Thanks, Brian.....good to see you active again as well :D Has it been a year? Something like, surely?

Greeting and thanks for the kind suggestions, JMurray...welcome to PG :D A good first crit indeed!


Hmm. It seems that last line is not working. And I am inclined to think that....despite JMurray's kind suggestion...that without it there is not really a poem (as Mic notes). Hmm.

Thanks again you three. Goes away to ponder.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by Ros » Thu Jun 11, 2015 5:28 pm

Yes, think I'd have to go with Mic's thoughts on this. Annoying when you have an idea you'd like to get across but the phrasing doesn't quite work!

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Re: Playing the same piece of music

Post by bodkin » Fri Jun 12, 2015 1:58 pm

What Ros and Mic said,

However, also for me, maybe because I've never got into this sort of music, but why is inability to hum it particularly a feature of middle age? There's dozens of pieces of music I love that I cannot hum. It only needs to depend more on chords than melody and bingo, nobody can hum it.

Or is it that the young don't hum? Because when I was, I did :-p

I think there's a subtlety that's escaping me here...

Ian
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