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Re: Elegy to Rab (1958-2004) [revision 2 revised couplet]]

Posted: Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:26 am
by Ros
Interesting to read your thoughts, JJ. I agree that garters is a reasonable description, but I still feel it's tricky - the idea of the bees discarding not only their immediate pollen but also the means of collecting it was too subtle for me. I also hadn't realised you meant that the rabbits sacrificed their young - just that wild rabbits ended up as fox food. Hmm, I'm not sure if all this is me not reading carefully enough or you expecting too much!

Ros

Re: Elegy to Rab (1958-2004) [revision 2 revised couplet]]

Posted: Mon Jun 01, 2015 8:12 pm
by JJWilliamson
Ros wrote:Interesting to read your thoughts, JJ. I agree that garters is a reasonable description, but I still feel it's tricky - the idea of the bees discarding not only their immediate pollen but also the means of collecting it was too subtle for me. I also hadn't realised you meant that the rabbits sacrificed their young - just that wild rabbits ended up as fox food. Hmm, I'm not sure if all this is me not reading carefully enough or you expecting too much!

Ros
Thanks again, Ros. Many of the images oppose the expected norms. When the pollen baskets are empty they no longer look like garters. The image of the garters is discarded but the baskets survive to nourish the hive once again. They unexpectedly ditch the pollen.

Ah, you thought the rabbits were young rather than the offspring of the collected rabbits. They are both but I could replace 'young' with 'weaned' to help clarify things. Not sure though, 'weeeeeened' or 'younggg'. Hmm, I'm thinkin'.

I would say it's me expecting too much.

Best

JJ

Re: Elegy to Rab (1958-2004) [revision 3]

Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2015 7:01 pm
by JJWilliamson
Revised again.

JJ

Re: Elegy to Rab ( Jan 1958-July 2004)[reversion 1]

Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2015 9:46 pm
by JJWilliamson
Ok, I've settled for this one. Thanks to all for your more than generous contributions.
I've decided to follow the original meter with a few changes here and there, especially in the couplet.

Inbhir Air dates from the 13th Century and was a recognised forerunner... "Mouth of the Ayr"
Could mean estuary or firth I suppose but I'm not clued up to the origins of either. Not yet.

Best

JJ

Re: Elegy to Rab ( Jan 1958-July 2004)[reversion 1]

Posted: Thu Jun 11, 2015 8:56 am
by Mic
Hi JJ, my thoughts without reading earlier comments.

The idea is clever, and well-handled. It all reads very well, the rhymes are seamlessly interwoven, the pacing is good. It's an accomplished piece. And yet, curiously, I find myself not as moved as much as I feel I should be. I have a feeling that the idea - which is neat - gets worn out before the poem ends.

You can obvioulsy write though!

Mic

Re: Elegy to Rab ( Jan 1958-July 2004)[reversion 1]

Posted: Fri Jun 12, 2015 11:07 pm
by JJWilliamson
Thanks for your thoughts, mic, it's appreciated.

"I find myself not as moved as much as I feel I should be." The fault lies with the writer, not the reader. The natural world reacts in a strange way
because of the shocking news and maybe I have stretched the theme somewhat. Nevertheless, your review and analysis is well received. I wrote a free verse poem the day after his funeral and completed it a few days later in Stoupa, Greece. I'll post it one day.

Best

JJ