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Re: Blue of the morning (revised)

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 2:52 pm
by bodkin
Macavity wrote:The super-ramification in the reading was more convincing...prefer the original ending...and haven't changed my opinion of sausage sandwich :)

That dangling a for play on the place to start patterning? Didn't seem to have any aural signifance for the line break...but then I guess that is a characteristic of most line breaks in poems.

all the best

mac

Hi mac,

I'm trying this ending, I could go back... but I think I like this way.

Dangling "a"... how did I end up with that! It's mental, and also neither I nor anybody else noticed in nearly a week, will adjust...

I don't always go for aural significance, but I always try to semantic significance: I never want to end on a word that isn't core to the meaning.

Thanks,

Ian

Re: Blue of the morning (revised)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 8:21 am
by Lexi
Oops, apologies, yes I did copy and paste wrong bit.

You know, I've know listened a few more times and read a few mores times and I don't know if it's because of that but I wouldn't change the 'begin' part now. It kick starts the music which blends with the setting you've so beautifully set up. This is a special poem, Ian. So many good lines. Well done.

Lexi

Re: Blue of the morning (revised)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 7:52 pm
by Arian
Antcliff wrote:Yay...recorded. Well read. :D
Yes, I agree. Good to listen to - well read.

Re: Blue of the morning (revised)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 10:03 pm
by bodkin
Lexi wrote:Oops, apologies, yes I did copy and paste wrong bit.

You know, I've know listened a few more times and read a few mores times and I don't know if it's because of that but I wouldn't change the 'begin' part now. It kick starts the music which blends with the setting you've so beautifully set up. This is a special poem, Ian. So many good lines. Well done.

Lexi
This is the problem isn't it. I find a slowly oscillate sometimes between two approaches to a poem. Most commonly it is an extra syllable somewhere, I'll have something like:

"...walks the street..."

And after a while it will become:

"...walks down the street..."

And then after a while return to the original and the cycle starts again.

As the quotation goes, poems are never finished and we really do just have to abandon then when we think they get to "good enough".

Thanks Lexi!

Ian

Re: Blue of the morning (revised)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 10:06 pm
by bodkin
Arian wrote:
Antcliff wrote:Yay...recorded. Well read. :D
Yes, I agree. Good to listen to - well read.
Thanks Peter!

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that recording an actual reading (rather than just imagining the reading or reciting beneath my breath) is something I should do for all poems, so expect to get heartily fed-up with my sultry tones over the next few months :-)

Ian

Re: Blue of the morning (revised)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2015 10:35 pm
by bodkin
Oh, I've fixed that line-ending that mac spotted. Thanks mac!