Silences

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steamboats
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Silences

Post by steamboats » Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:36 am

When the girls have gone I think
once that dove has cleared the fence
like a plane on one propeller,
there will be silence and the weather at last to enjoy it
but soon I’m listening to a blackbird crooning
and behind that there are insects
and a stir of breeze in these leaves too
which amounts to the smallest of sounds,
but there’s something else,
a wash of traffic maybe
or pebbles far away in the sea shifting
in their tide of perfect blue,
or is it a small tree growing bark?
Or is it the sound at the very core of the world
that holds unlikely things together,
like glue, or longing?

k-j
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Re: Silences

Post by k-j » Thu Sep 04, 2014 4:55 am

This is very good, especially the small tree growing bark.

My only quibble is with the last three lines. I sort of think it works better without them. They seem to be returning us to a Paulo Coelho world where everything has to mean something - or to put it another way, I'm tempted to answer the last question with a cheery unsophisticated "no".

I think it is great at capturing (non) silences. I just wonder about the conclusion.
fine words butter no parsnips

Mic
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Re: Silences

Post by Mic » Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:47 am

I also like this a lot - up until the last three lines.

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Elphin
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Re: Silences

Post by Elphin » Thu Sep 04, 2014 2:58 pm

OK - so I think the last line needs to be there as (on my interpretation -- having messed up the last poem of yours that I read) the longing ties back to the "girls" leaving. I am imagining weekend visit and the ensuing silence after they go.

So for me all that might need to go is
steamboats wrote:at the very core of the world
Liked the small tree, not entirely convinced with the dove (comparing to plane on one propeller suggests its wounded and I ask why?) or that blackbirds croon.

cheers

elph

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Re: Silences

Post by IainMichaelBryan » Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:36 pm

I like this a great deal, it has that feel of something that flowed into place enjoyably.

The dove 'like a plane with one propeller' makes perfect sense if taken metaphorically as the awkward movement of its' flight - they do clatter about a bit. I agree with Elph that maybe blackbirds don't croon - how about 'chittering' ?

I see the point about Pablo Coelho, but I still quite like the idea of something enigmatic in the background. Why not reduce the gravitas in the first of the last three lines to

'Or is it a sound at the core of the world' ?

Good stuff.

Iain

ray miller
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Re: Silences

Post by ray miller » Sat Sep 06, 2014 7:59 pm

Agree with others about the last 3 lines, though I think you need something, rather than ending at bark. I like the progression throughout.
Maybe some commas in first line:
When the girls have gone, I think,

Do blackbirds croon? Do they warble?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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