Time Travel

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dedalus
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Time Travel

Post by dedalus » Mon Sep 01, 2014 5:33 am

I walk through the world of far long ago,
and over the stones I step just so.
With regard to clothing I couldn’t feel tenser,
since I bought all my gear at Marks & Spencer.

I 'll reverse the work of the stolid old saint
and revert to religion both ancient and quaint.
If the Old Boy resists he'll depart to heaven,
aided by shots from my AK-47.

This is desperate work but it must be done
to preserve singularity under the sun:
there can be no greater act of inanity,
than mass conversion to Christianity!
Last edited by dedalus on Fri Sep 05, 2014 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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dafra
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Re: Time Travel

Post by dafra » Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:21 am

The idea is a great antidote or challenge to Jihadism but some of the rhymes make me shudder and the meter was so uneven it spoilt the message for me.

But I loved the idea.

dedalus
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Re: Time Travel

Post by dedalus » Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:56 am

There are no glaring problems with the rhymes and meter, unless in the strictly academic sense of Knowledge Theory, which is not the sense in which the poem was written, nor that in which for the most part it will be read. The Reader will supply or deny word emphasis as s/he always does. I suppose you had to find something wrong and I have no quarrel with that. Glad you liked the idea, anyway.

Cheers, dedalus

David
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Re: Time Travel

Post by David » Thu Sep 04, 2014 7:12 pm

dedalus wrote:There are no glaring problems with the rhymes and meter
I agree that for the most part the rhythm is fine - very jaunty - but there is that L1 S2 ... five beats, surely?

And I wonder whether insanity would be better than inanity. In the poem, at least.

Cheers

David

dedalus
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Re: Time Travel

Post by dedalus » Fri Sep 05, 2014 2:09 am

Thanks, Dave. A few changes on top of your advice, but I think I'll keep "inanity" since it is less extreme than insanity and implies carelessness and absence of mind!

Cheers,
Bren

ray miller
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Re: Time Travel

Post by ray miller » Sat Sep 06, 2014 8:55 pm

I don't mind the rhyme or the rhythm but these lines made me cringe

With regard to clothing I couldn’t feel tenser,
since I bought all my gear at Marks & Spencer.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

dedalus
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Re: Time Travel

Post by dedalus » Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:50 am

Yes, I rather like those two ... fingernails on a blackboard sort of thing.

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