This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone

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Re: Adopting At Our Age

Post by bodkin » Thu Jul 17, 2014 6:26 pm

"This poem went places that it shouldn’t have gone
in the beer tent listening to a jazz ensemble
who came on after the jazz dance band
and are suffering by comparison."

"went", "came", "suffering" I only just noticed but the tense is wrong. I see what you mean, you're moving from an intro about when the poem was written, which is in the past, to the poem itself which is in the present. However it isn't quite right as it stands. I get that "listening" is present tense, but I am taking that as adjectival (e.g. you're describing yourself as having been in the "listening" state at that time...) Could you go to "This poem goes..." as the present tense can be very immediate and might fit the strong emotional content?

Not sure how the great debate over the first 8 lines has progressed now, but I'm appreciating them right now. They are a perfect scene-setting to the rest.

Just came back for a re-read. Still impressed.


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Re: This poem goes places that it shouldn’t have gone

Post by penguin » Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:17 pm

Thanks, Ian. You're right about the tense. I knew there was something wrong with it. Anyway, I've promoted it to the title and made some minor changes.

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