These atoms

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Mic
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These atoms

Post by Mic » Sat Apr 12, 2014 3:53 pm

If I were to put all my atoms into a machine that could make a perfect copy
of every single one of my atoms, would it be a perfect copy of the original me, you ask.

I say, the original would have the quality of the original; the copy would be the copy.
My answer is too pat, you say, and, perhaps, misses the point.

Can we know someone else, or can we only really know about someone else, you ask.
At the heart of everything, we know, I say. You say this is a nice poetic answer.

Once, when I was six, you persuaded me to step through a bamboo hoop
telling me I would then find myself in a slightly different universe.

I can still hear your laughter, as I wail at you, plead with you to bring me back.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

Richard
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Re: These atoms

Post by Richard » Mon Apr 14, 2014 12:46 pm

I really like the idea of the last three lines. I nearly switched off completely before that I am afraid. I'd ditch all that goes before and start again with your last three...

Best

R

brianedwards
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Re: These atoms

Post by brianedwards » Mon Apr 14, 2014 1:10 pm

No! The atom machine is worth exploring. The middle is the problem (as I intimated elsewhere.)

B.

Mic
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Re: These atoms

Post by Mic » Mon Apr 14, 2014 1:53 pm

I agree with you both!

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: These atoms

Post by Ros » Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:35 pm

I'm with Brian - I like the idea but it's a bit prosy at present.

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Re: These atoms

Post by Richard » Tue Apr 15, 2014 4:28 pm

What about reversing the order of this a bit...

You persuaded me, a six year old, to step through a bamboo hoop
telling me I would then find myself in a slightly different universe.

I put all my atoms into a machine that could make a perfect copy
and send a perfect copy of me back, you ask.

Who is the original... the copy says...
I can still hear your laughter, as I wail at you, plead with you to bring me back.

I dunno, sorry, I've got work displacement syndrome. Ros is right about the prosiness

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bodkin
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Re: These atoms

Post by bodkin » Tue Apr 15, 2014 4:46 pm

Hi Mic,

I am afraid I read this twice but then flunked out over what to say.

It's a brave direction to take and I really like the idea.

I also think some parts are working well, but the whole isn't quite coming together for me.

However I wasn't quite able to articulate how it wasn't working, and that's why I remained quiet.

It almost feels like it wants to be a longer, slower piece, with philosophical diversions along the way? Maybe not...

I'm inarticulate, you see :-)

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Jackie
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Re: These atoms

Post by Jackie » Tue Apr 15, 2014 6:38 pm

Hi Mic,

I've been told I'm intolerant of prose poetry. Prose poets who have asked me to comment, make neither line nor paragraph choices, and produce pieces of text too bulky to swallow. I don't doubt I'm more ignorant than intolerant of what prose poetry is.

Is this an example? I'd like to know more about it.

Jackie

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Re: These atoms

Post by David » Tue Apr 15, 2014 6:44 pm

Mic wrote:Once, when I was six, you persuaded me to step through a bamboo hoop
telling me I would then find myself in a slightly different universe.
Have we had this through-the-looking-glass moment, or something like it, before? It seems familiar, but still very exciting.

That's quite a chilling finish you leave us with at the moment, though.

Cheers

David

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Re: These atoms

Post by bodkin » Tue Apr 15, 2014 8:30 pm

David wrote:
Mic wrote:Once, when I was six, you persuaded me to step through a bamboo hoop
telling me I would then find myself in a slightly different universe.
Have we had this through-the-looking-glass moment, or something like it, before? It seems familiar, but still very exciting.

That's quite a chilling finish you leave us with at the moment, though.

Cheers

David
This is true... but possibly needing more to lead into it?

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: These atoms

Post by keith » Tue Apr 15, 2014 9:13 pm

I rather like this. I agree that the middle two stanzas are the weakest...
Mic wrote:I say, the original would have the quality of the original; the copy would be the copy.
My answer is too pat, you say, and, perhaps, misses the point.

Can we know someone else, or can we only really know about someone else, you ask.
At the heart of everything, we know, I say. You say this is a nice poetic answer.
...but (for me) not as bad as suggested :)

There is nice flow and resonance to the piece which struck a chord with me, at least.

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