Renovation (revision)

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1lankest
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Renovation (revision)

Post by 1lankest » Tue Apr 08, 2014 9:07 am

V2

Under elbows and knees:
our modest dreams

have ditched the dank beige carpet,
sanded off the blackened surface

so all that’s needed is a lick of gloss
to bring out the grain -

restore the oak to how it was circa 1880.
‘Victoriana! The true golden age’ –

we mumble amidst splinters,
the odd private joke

and twice boiled linseed strokes.

original

Under elbows and knees:
our modest dreams.

Having ditched the dank beige carpet,
sanded off the blackened surface,

now all that’s needed is a lick of gloss
to bring out the grain -

restore the oak to how it was circa 1880.
‘Victoriana! The true golden age’ –

as you so often tell me.
Now and then we splinter on our dreams.
Last edited by 1lankest on Tue Apr 22, 2014 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

penguin
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Re: Renovation

Post by penguin » Wed Apr 09, 2014 7:07 pm

1lankest wrote:Under elbows and knees: - Don't think you need the colon. You might reverse the order of the lines
our modest dreams.

Having ditched the dank beige carpet,
sanded off the blackened surface, - enjoyed carpet/surface

now all that’s needed is a lick of gloss - I'd omit now, reads smoother
to bring out the grain -

restore the oak to how it was circa 1880. - I'd omit how it was
‘Victoriana! The true golden age’ –

as you so often tell me.
Now and then we splinter on our dreams.
Enjoyed it, very nice. Maybe the last line is a bit clichéd.

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Re: Renovation

Post by bodkin » Wed Apr 09, 2014 10:08 pm

Enjoyable... except for the end.

My problem is different from Penguin's, however. My problem is I don't understand it...

What does "splintering on dreams" mean?

Maybe I'm just too tired. Will try to read again tomorrow.

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: Renovation

Post by Antcliff » Thu Apr 10, 2014 10:10 am

Hi Luke,
I liked this wooden floor poem. Gloss over those splinters!

I'm not sure I like "splinter on" though as a way of expressing the wooden floor/dreams analogy. I'm not sure I know what it implies beyond "getting splinters from" and, if so, I wonder why not just say that? Anyway, I think this is a good un if there is a more elegant/illuminating way of saying "splinter on" which, as it stands, seems to suggest something closer to a falling apart of the floor polishers? (Although maybe that is intended?).

Seth

(p.s. apologies if that did not make a lot of sense.)
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Renovation

Post by Macavity » Fri Apr 11, 2014 8:22 am

hi Luke

Yes, I enjoyed this too. The use of 'splinter' was interesting...a possible cause of pain, division, irritation, a consequence of pursuing a dream. Perhaps you could cut the abstract...dream...and focus more on the splinter...bring some physicality into the line...potential for fingers and knives :)

You have two 'now' s in a short poem, may want to consider that. The poem is tagged with an opening/closing message/signpost structure; a possibility is to introduce some fluidity?
Under elbows and knees
our modest dreams

have ditched the dank beige carpet,
sanded off the blackened surface,

and all that’s needed is a lick of gloss
to bring out the grain -

restore the oak to how it was circa 1880.
‘Victoriana! The true golden age’ –

as you so often tell me.
Now and then we splinter on our dreams.




all the best

mac
Last edited by Macavity on Fri Apr 11, 2014 9:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Renovation

Post by Jackie » Fri Apr 11, 2014 8:58 am

Hi Luke,

(Agggghhhh! Since the beginning of this week I have to log in again every time I move to another page on this site. What on earth is going on? :evil: ) Sorry, just venting.

I enjoy reading this. My understanding is that it's your (not our) dreams that are modest. You paint the modesty so concretely, its goal apparently being to bring out the grain of the oak flooring. Could you, maybe, find a way to be as concrete about the other person's goal? What is that person wanting to do further with the room that seems excessive to you?

Jackie

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Re: Renovation

Post by 1lankest » Tue Apr 22, 2014 5:12 pm

Thanks all - some time away from this one but revision posted to tie things up better at the end.

Luke

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by Antcliff » Tue Apr 22, 2014 5:58 pm

I dunno, Luke. I think you have lost the ending. Before there was an ending which pointed to the sometimes unwelcome consequences of dreams...but illustrated with the idea of a splinter from a dream floor. And ending and one that tied things together.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by bodkin » Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:58 pm

Antcliff wrote:I dunno, Luke. I think you have lost the ending. Before there was an ending which pointed to the sometimes unwelcome consequences of dreams...but illustrated with the idea of a splinter from a dream floor. And ending and one that tied things together.

Seth
I'm afraid I have to agree with Seth... The end is understandable now but not really special enough to form a solid ending.

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by Elphin » Wed Apr 23, 2014 7:50 am

Luke

I like the conceit and in particular the idea that all that is needed is a lick of gloss to bring out the grain.

A small nit. I am not sure whether the line about the carpet might weaken the idea of the dreams sanding the surface. The carpet line disconnects the two lines and weakens the image IMO.

Do you need circa 1880 -- the next line dates the oak for you?

I see Iain's point about the ending but I do like the music of twice boiled linseed strokes

Could you reorder something like this so that you splinters are more prominent

we mumble the odd private joke
amidst splinters and twice boiled
linseed strokes.


Just some thoughts -- enjoyed

elph

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by 1lankest » Wed Apr 23, 2014 1:27 pm

Thanks Ian, seth, elph - I agree with all of you! agggh! I like your idea for the ending though, Elph, although I agree with the others that it still lacks punch.

"Before there was an ending which pointed to the sometimes unwelcome consequences of dreams...but illustrated with the idea of a splinter from a dream floor."

Does this not come through at all in the new version, or even with Elph's ending? It is meant to. Perhaps it's too subtle.

Cheers all,

Luke

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 24, 2014 4:55 am

we mumble amidst splinters,
the odd private joke

and twice boiled linseed strokes.
Not keen on that ending at all Luke. Feels stilted and staged. For my taste too many modifiers in the final line.

all the best

mac

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by 1lankest » Fri Apr 25, 2014 5:45 pm

Cheers mac, I agree. Darn.

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Re: Renovation (revision)

Post by MikeAcker » Thu May 08, 2014 6:11 pm

I liked this one and can identify. Went through a kitchen reno that started out as a dream project which headed quickly into the nightmare project!

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