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Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:22 am
by Mic
is a trick of the light;
a word scrawled
on a window pane
in receipt of warm breath—
beyond it: a snowy field
an oak tree, a swing.



* 'and' cut from before swing, as suggested by Seth over at 52

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:02 am
by 1lankest
Hi mic,

The warm breath image is excellent - a highly engaging way of characterising transience.
Not so keen on the first line, or the title. Seems comparably unoriginal. The last two lines are ok - the tree, snow and swing are all nice conduits of change and flux. For me, the swing could do with an adjective to being it to life - perhaps a colour or a style of swing. Perhaps there could be someone on the swing, or it could be swinging in the wind. I don't know, it just seems rather inactive as it stands which, in a poem about time and flux, seems wrong.

Luke

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:12 am
by Mic
Thanks Luke. Interesting points.

I'm trying to somehow say that time is nothing more than, well, a trick of the light (and the line is hackneyed, although I'm not sure that the comparison is) - i.e. that somehow there is somewhere beyond it, through it (where the snowy field, tree and swing are?). Time - according to this poem - is not characterised by flux or transience, it's simply not even really there! (It is brought into 'being' only because we are (breathing on it)

Now go out and play!

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:13 pm
by 1lankest
"Time - according to this poem - is not characterised by flux or transience, it's simply not even really there! (It is brought into 'being' only because we are (breathing on it)"

......an idealist position I am sympathetic to. I didn't glean this from the poem initially, but I do now upon re-reading.

I think the problem is that, although the first line is as you say an original comparison within the intended context; because it sounds so commonplace it misleads the reader into interpreting the poem at its most superficial level - as I did. What you are to trying to say is highly profound - you are close to nailing it but the first line is an unhelpful starting point. If it were me I'd think of another, dare I say it more profound way of introducing the concept.

Luke

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:17 pm
by Mic
Thanks for coming back Luke.
I'm now inclined to agree with you about that first line, and will re-consider it.

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:29 pm
by Ros
I think even swapping it around - time is light's trick - would entice the reader in further, but I agree with Luke that you could expand on the idea of time not existing until we breathe on it, if that's what you're contending.

Ros

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:47 pm
by Suzanne
Hi Mic,

I like the quietness of this. The moment caught on the glass, weather observed.

My only nit would be with the words "the light". I think that it is such a broad idea. Somehow it would magnify the moment that the poem is catching if it were some tied to the day. Morning perhaps? or.. well, I am not sure but I think the light gives the reader a white brightness but perhaps not the trickiness impressed.

I know this moment and I enjoyed this poem, so don't misunderstand. I hope I made sense of some sort. I love time poems.

Suzanne

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 5:11 pm
by MikeAcker
Mic!

I like the simplicity of it in contrast to the two complex questions of time and light.
Well-written.

Mike

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 6:51 pm
by penguin
Perhaps the time metaphor might be expanded if you had, instead of a word scrawled, a face drawn.

Re: Time

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:26 pm
by Macavity
* 'and' cut from before swing, as suggested by Seth over at 52
Effective edit that, gives more swing to swing.

What was the other edit?

A lot of use of the singular 'a' ?