Time

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Mic
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Time

Post by Mic » Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:22 am

is a trick of the light;
a word scrawled
on a window pane
in receipt of warm breath—
beyond it: a snowy field
an oak tree, a swing.



* 'and' cut from before swing, as suggested by Seth over at 52
Last edited by Mic on Thu Apr 03, 2014 5:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Time

Post by 1lankest » Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:02 am

Hi mic,

The warm breath image is excellent - a highly engaging way of characterising transience.
Not so keen on the first line, or the title. Seems comparably unoriginal. The last two lines are ok - the tree, snow and swing are all nice conduits of change and flux. For me, the swing could do with an adjective to being it to life - perhaps a colour or a style of swing. Perhaps there could be someone on the swing, or it could be swinging in the wind. I don't know, it just seems rather inactive as it stands which, in a poem about time and flux, seems wrong.

Luke

Mic
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Re: Time

Post by Mic » Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:12 am

Thanks Luke. Interesting points.

I'm trying to somehow say that time is nothing more than, well, a trick of the light (and the line is hackneyed, although I'm not sure that the comparison is) - i.e. that somehow there is somewhere beyond it, through it (where the snowy field, tree and swing are?). Time - according to this poem - is not characterised by flux or transience, it's simply not even really there! (It is brought into 'being' only because we are (breathing on it)

Now go out and play!
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Time

Post by 1lankest » Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:13 pm

"Time - according to this poem - is not characterised by flux or transience, it's simply not even really there! (It is brought into 'being' only because we are (breathing on it)"

......an idealist position I am sympathetic to. I didn't glean this from the poem initially, but I do now upon re-reading.

I think the problem is that, although the first line is as you say an original comparison within the intended context; because it sounds so commonplace it misleads the reader into interpreting the poem at its most superficial level - as I did. What you are to trying to say is highly profound - you are close to nailing it but the first line is an unhelpful starting point. If it were me I'd think of another, dare I say it more profound way of introducing the concept.

Luke

Mic
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Re: Time

Post by Mic » Thu Apr 03, 2014 1:17 pm

Thanks for coming back Luke.
I'm now inclined to agree with you about that first line, and will re-consider it.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Time

Post by Ros » Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:29 pm

I think even swapping it around - time is light's trick - would entice the reader in further, but I agree with Luke that you could expand on the idea of time not existing until we breathe on it, if that's what you're contending.

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Re: Time

Post by Suzanne » Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:47 pm

Hi Mic,

I like the quietness of this. The moment caught on the glass, weather observed.

My only nit would be with the words "the light". I think that it is such a broad idea. Somehow it would magnify the moment that the poem is catching if it were some tied to the day. Morning perhaps? or.. well, I am not sure but I think the light gives the reader a white brightness but perhaps not the trickiness impressed.

I know this moment and I enjoyed this poem, so don't misunderstand. I hope I made sense of some sort. I love time poems.

Suzanne

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Re: Time

Post by MikeAcker » Thu Apr 03, 2014 5:11 pm

Mic!

I like the simplicity of it in contrast to the two complex questions of time and light.
Well-written.

Mike

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Re: Time

Post by penguin » Thu Apr 03, 2014 6:51 pm

Perhaps the time metaphor might be expanded if you had, instead of a word scrawled, a face drawn.

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Re: Time

Post by Macavity » Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:26 pm

* 'and' cut from before swing, as suggested by Seth over at 52
Effective edit that, gives more swing to swing.

What was the other edit?

A lot of use of the singular 'a' ?

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