Sonnet in bed in winter

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k-j
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Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by k-j » Thu Feb 20, 2014 6:27 am

In May the scent of barbecues. In June
we'll start to cross the street without our shoes
to check the mail. The moan of the bassoon
will come from number 41, like news

of unexpected victory. You'll talk
of raising radishes, celeriac...
Meanwhile a winter gale: snowflakes caulk
the walls like idle banter coming back.

Summer's a planet around a distant star,
ill-imaged, maybe earthlike, likely not,
impossible to visit from where we are -
snowed-in on an infinitesimal blue dot.

And yet we'll pay a visit there, the boughs
of cottonwoods attending as we drowse.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by Antcliff » Thu Feb 20, 2014 4:35 pm

Great. Enjoyed this, especially those excellent closing lines, but much more as well

such as the bassoons/news comparison

and going without shoes to check the mail.

Two minor quibbles...

Talk of "raising" radishes sounds odd to me. Perhaps that is deliberate, the word usually goes with a slightly more demanding task. Growing radishes, yes, but if I spoke in the local organic gardening club of "raising" radishes I think I would see puzzled faces.

Did not quite get..
likely not
Why would summer not be earthlike? Likely I have missed something.

Good one. Uncluttered, rolls nicely.

Seth
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Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Mic
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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by Mic » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:05 pm

You're good, aren't you!

Lovely

Mic
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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by brianedwards » Fri Feb 21, 2014 6:16 am

"snowed-in on an infinitesimal " -- Try saying that with a stuffy nose! Seriously, think you can write that better k-j.
Crossing the street to check the mail? Can't quite get my head around that. I guess it's a cultural thing but still seems odd.
Not keen on ellipses in poetry personally, never being sure how I'm supposed to read it aloud. I know it's a taste thing, and I'm usually in the minority on such matters.

Quibbles aside, this is terrific fun: the barbecues, the bassoon, the banter, the boughs of cottonwood - splendid.

B.

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Jackie
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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by Jackie » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:26 am

K-J, you do this comparison well, being here and being there. It's not easy.

I do wonder about the third stanza. You spend the first giving us the smells and sounds and barefoot feel of summer, so it's confusing to be told later that it seems extraterrestrial, barely earthlike.

I like the way the boughs of cottonwoods seem to play the role of Wordsworth's field of daffodils.

Jackie

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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by Jayne » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:53 pm

Great stuff, k-j!

A taste of summer to come (am optimistic) is just what we need at the end of Feb :)

A very crafted piece. Like the choice of form for the subject.
The rhythm's great - except for 'infinitesimal,' I thought.
The enjambement really moves the poem along and makes the rhyme scheme work successfully.

I like!

Jayne

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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by Ros » Fri Feb 21, 2014 2:17 pm

Very nice. Agree it would be better without the ellipses. I did wonder about crossing the street to check your post - sounds odd? Perhaps use yard instead?
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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by 1lankest » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:41 pm

"snowed-in on an infinitesimal " -- Try saying that with a stuffy nose!

I'd echo Brian's issue with this line. The rest is great, though. Truly.

Jackie put it well: 'you do this comparison well, being here and being there......' and I love this kind of poetry - its unrivalled power to transport, transcend. But only if done well, which this of course is. Fab ending.

Luke

k-j
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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by k-j » Sun Feb 23, 2014 5:32 am

Thanks for all the compliments.

Ant - but one raises crops/vegetables etc., no? Maybe just a case of what you're used to. But to raise radishes is a normal enough epxression for me. It's the planet that's likely not earthlike. I think this is a legitimate concern but as no-one else has mentioned it I'm going to leave as is for now.

Mic, thanks I approve of your comment.

Brian, I've no problem with recital of my poems but preferably not by people with a cold? What's wrong with that line, apart from its being tricky for people with stuffed sinuses? You're quite right about the ellipses, I don't like them either. Will replace with a period/full stop.

Various - re: crossing the street to check the mail. We really do this. Some aspects of America are strangely communal, and one is this practice of having the mail delivered not to your door but to a pigeonhole, accessible by key, in a bank of said receptacles more or less in the middle of the street.

Jackie, I am coming to very much value your opinions. That one is perceptive and I'm not sure what to do about it. Basically you've found a critical flaw in my poem. I could try to weasel out of it by claiming that S1, S2 and S4 are from one point of view while S3 is from a different one, that is reality - hang on, that's exactly what I will do - far easier than rewriting the poem.

Jayne, thanks, yes, infinitesimal is a bit of a stretch, but I think just about OK.

Ros, see above, thanks. It's even more fun receiving mail when you have to cross the street for it.

Luke, also see above, thank you.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Jackie
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Re: Sonnet in bed in winter

Post by Jackie » Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:45 am

For the record, I used to live in a place, too, where we crossed the street to get our mail every day.

Jackie

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