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Lead Kindley Light

Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:00 am
by nottslinnet
Lying there, pretending
I'm dead to the world
And waiting, in a time unending
While ghostly light swirls round my head
Black and white, oh Holy Cow,
Just hunkered down in bed.
A thousand clicks repeating
No queries now, put out,
Is my still, is it still beating?
The world of words your new-found oyster
Prostrated; hood above my head
All monkish
Resting in the Cloister
Til batteries drain and hours dwindle
It's late night love
But for your Kindle

Re: Lead Kindley Light

Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:43 pm
by brianedwards
Hi, not sure we've met. Got a real name?

It's an interesting and fun idea you have here (though it seems such an obvious pun, I'm surprised it hasn't been done already!) My problem is, the poem ain't that much fun. Maybe you should play it up a bit, play it a bit more arch, maybe write it as a hymn, in consistent rhyme and meter, with a refrain a la your source?

Consider losing some of those ~ings, not gentle on the ear your opening.
"ghostly light swirls" is a cliche.
"Is my still, is it still beating?" - a word missing I assume?

oyster/Cloister was a nice, unexpected coupling. Perhaps the playfulness of this example is what's needed elsewhere in the poem.

B.

Re: Lead Kindley Light

Posted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 7:59 am
by nottslinnet
Thanks Brian, I'm Simon.

Your idea for the poem to have a rhythm like the hymn is a good one. I'll definitely have a think about that. Unfortunately its a hymn I cant well remember, so I'll have to look it up.

The word 'heart' is missing, from 'Is my heart still' - I had a heart attack 3 years ago, so its a bit of an insider joke about that.

I had hoped the poem came across as playful - but clearly it didn't to you. Ah well, must do better!

Re: Lead Kindley Light

Posted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 1:35 pm
by Antcliff
Hi Simon

John Henry Newman for the words..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lead,_Kindly_Light

Yeh, I like the idea of it. Nice idea. The playful intention came through. But I would also be with Brian in thinking that it would a good idea to use perhaps a hymn form and perhaps, more specifically, the form of the Newman original.


Seth

Re: Lead Kindley Light

Posted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 5:17 pm
by 1lankest
Quite enjoyed.

Lying there, pretending
I'm dead to the world
And waiting, in a time unending...........not sure about this, would leave out 'in a time unending', too archaic.
While ghostly light swirls round my head
Black and white, oh Holy Cow,...........why 'oh holy cow'?
Just hunkered down in bed.
A thousand clicks repeating........nice
No queries now, put out,
Is my still, is it still beating?........eh?
The world of words your new-found oyster........good, perhaps comma after 'words'?
Prostrated; hood above my head
All monkish
Resting in the Cloister............like it
Til batteries drain and hours dwindle
It's late night love
But for your Kindle............like the ending.

Luke

Re: Lead Kindley Light

Posted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 8:35 pm
by nottslinnet
Thanks Luke

Ghostly light on the dark = black & white = common breed of cows. All linked imagery.

That's the 2nd time my language has been described as old-fashioned or archaic. I like old usage but I take your point