Saturated

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1lankest
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Saturated

Post by 1lankest » Sat Feb 01, 2014 12:13 pm

I forgive you, cumulonimbus.
Upended, adrift,
you have no leg to stand on,
no voice to raise in protest
at Earth's complacent permanence.
I see now: this is your march,
your song, your waltz.
Take it, drift on.

joe77evans
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Re: Saturated

Post by joe77evans » Sat Feb 01, 2014 10:32 pm

I like this but recently I've been feeling frustrated by short poems. It feels as though there's more to explore in the passing, ever-changing lives of the clouds over earth's staid immobility. Maybe you could open it up and explore a little?

1lankest
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Re: Saturated

Post by 1lankest » Mon Feb 03, 2014 11:43 am

Thanks joe,

Yes this might be one to develop, although I am struggling to think of a way.

Interesting to hear your view.

Luke

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Re: Saturated

Post by nottslinnet » Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:38 pm

Was interested in Joe's comments. After his first sentence he's almost accidentally given you half a verse :D

brianedwards
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Re: Saturated

Post by brianedwards » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:26 pm

Hi Luke,

I'm unsure about the metaphor here, and my problem starts with the adjectives in l2. It might be me, but I can't grasp the idea of clouds being either upended or adrift, suggesting, as they do, their natural state is to be the other way round and anchored, or purposeful. Are you alluding to bodies of water? If so, I'm taking the poem's conceit to be that rain is clouds protesting against the water cycle, wishing to return to their natural state as bodies of water. Hmm . . . Apologies if I'm way off. FWIW, I think the idea could work if given a lighter touch, if it was a little more playful. The tone of the poem, as set in the title and the first line, is quite grand, a bit po-faced. Why not the simpler "soaked" and "cloud"? One last point, not sure how waltz fits in with the protest idea.

B.

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