Tears of the Sun

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Zimboman
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Tears of the Sun

Post by Zimboman » Fri Jan 31, 2014 12:17 am

We are the children of absent rain,
shaping toys from dust you happily donate,
bleeding the trees we will never touch -
sowing the farms of a different green.

We are the children of absent rain,
reaping your sin from withered roots,
hanging thoughts of desert tears -
finding contempt in this land unseen.

We are the children of absent rain,
hiding in a third world's shadowed snipe,
sweating the sun to give us warmth -
our saviour dormant in a raven's cloak.

Ros
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Re: Tears of the Sun

Post by Ros » Fri Jan 31, 2014 11:14 am

Interesting, Zimboman.

Nice meter, though I think you have an extra beat in the second line. I think you're a little adjective-heavy - absent/withered/desert in v2 feels a bit repetitive.

I like the slightly hypnotic feel of this, though I'm not sure I quite understand the content. Donated dust? Is this 1st world farming methods imposed on the third world? I think the use of abstract nouns here

reaping your sin from withered roots,
hanging thoughts of desert tears -

sin, thoughts, isn't helping - could there be something more concrete as an image?
I'm only aware of snipe (as a noun) as a bird, which doesn't seem to fit.

I like the last two lines very much, although I'm still rather puzzled by them!

Just some opinions,

Ros
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ray miller
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Re: Tears of the Sun

Post by ray miller » Fri Jan 31, 2014 9:00 pm

I liked most of this. The 2nd verse is weak, I think, lines 7 and 8 aren't really adding much for me.
gladly rather than happily would help the meter in the 2nd line.

sweating the sun to give us warmth - very interesting line, which for me, evokes global warming, greenhouse effect

shaping toys from dust you happily donate, - which nicely encapsulates third world/developed world relationships

Last line is a mystery to me.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Tears of the Sun

Post by joe77evans » Fri Jan 31, 2014 9:38 pm

I like this too. Whenever I read something which doesn't really make literal sense to me but which seems to evoke meaning without spelling it out, I think of Dylan Thomas, which I guess can't be a bad thing... On the details though, I can't make sense of 'snipe' in L10. I also wonder whether L4 could be rephrased to make the meaning (or at least the grammer) a bit clearer - 'sowing the farms of a different green' doesn't really sound right to me. 'Sowing the farms in a different green'? 'Sowing the farms with a different green'? Even 'sowing the farms to a different green' might work better.

Mic
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Re: Tears of the Sun

Post by Mic » Thu Mar 27, 2014 8:26 am

Hi Zimbowman,

Going against the current, I'm afraid this really isn't doing anything for me: too abstract, clunky meter and line structure, trying too hard to sound poetic. I can't picture any of these 'images' - 'sowing farms of a different green', 'reaping sin from withered roots' , 'hanging thoughts of desert tears' , 'finding contempt in this land unseen' (and shouldn't it read 'unseen land'?), etc.

The reads like a beginner's effort to me.

Sorry not to be able to be more positive.

Mic
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Re: Tears of the Sun

Post by MikeAcker » Sat Apr 05, 2014 1:45 am

Hey, Zimboman, long time no talk to. I like this along with the title. I am always told that poetry is not about causes, but rather ideas and words. I do feel that poets like other artists have a responsibility to address injustice, abuse, greed etc. You did a great job of drawing the bleak picture of an existing reality almost everywhere but the "first-world"!

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