Flaws (Challenge 3)

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bodkin
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Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Wed Dec 11, 2013 11:49 am

Flaws

She consciously retains the scene of items
she left upon the table, beneath the attic blind.
On days at different times, different lighting
shows the sunbeam tracking in her mind
--totem to totem--like her knowing finger
enumerating way-points of obsession.
Yet through the afternoons her body lingers
unaccompanied in its passion with one man
or another in the first-floor front-room bed.
This is her head. This is nothing she said,
but this is her life, grabbing solace in sex,
showering each scene with special FX.
Character development is cursory:
never going to the ground-floor nursery.
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Wed Dec 11, 2013 11:50 am

I bent the rules a bit because when it veered towards a sonnet form I couldn't make it three separate poems any more...
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by Macavity » Wed Dec 11, 2013 9:30 pm

never going to the ground-floor nursery.
I haven't unraveled the darkness in this, but I sense it in the avoidance, the preservation in the opening, the need for distraction.

mac

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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by 1lankest » Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:46 pm

Enjoyed.

'--totem to totem--like her knowing finger
enumerating way-points of obsession.'

This is great stuff.

'Character development is cursory:
never going to the ground-floor nursery.'

This, I'm afraid, although an attractive couplet, is beyond me.

Luke

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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by ray miller » Thu Dec 12, 2013 10:17 am

I like the last 8 lines very much. I do have trouble connecting them to the beginning.

Yet through the afternoons her body lingers
unaccompanied in its passion with one man
or another in the first-floor front-room bed.
This is her head. This is nothing she said,
but this is her life, grabbing solace in sex

I'm assuming you're trying to convey a mind/body separation. I wonder if "single-handed" might be better than "unaccompanied".Certainly sounds better.

Do you mean "This is nothing, she said" or "This is nothing that she said"?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by Antcliff » Thu Dec 12, 2013 10:44 am

Yet through the afternoons her body lingers
unaccompanied in its passion with one man
or another in the first-floor front-room bed.
Possibly "for" might be better than "with"?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by mfwilkie » Sun Dec 15, 2013 10:17 pm

You filled this sonnet with a full-length movie, Bodkin.

Nice to be reading you again.

Maggie

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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:15 am

Macavity wrote:
never going to the ground-floor nursery.
I haven't unraveled the darkness in this, but I sense it in the avoidance, the preservation in the opening, the need for distraction.

mac
Thanks Mac,

I think that people in general aren't getting the full story that I intended. I may need to think about making it more explicit, but it is hard because the poem is partly about not saying things explicitly...

Regards,

Ian
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:17 am

1lankest wrote:Enjoyed.

'--totem to totem--like her knowing finger
enumerating way-points of obsession.'

This is great stuff.

'Character development is cursory:
never going to the ground-floor nursery.'

This, I'm afraid, although an attractive couplet, is beyond me.

Luke
Hi Luke,

Yes, see my note above, I think some parts of this are less understandable than I hoped.

Thanks for liking the rest, however...

Ian
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:24 am

ray miller wrote:I like the last 8 lines very much. I do have trouble connecting them to the beginning.

Yet through the afternoons her body lingers
unaccompanied in its passion with one man
or another in the first-floor front-room bed.
This is her head. This is nothing she said,
but this is her life, grabbing solace in sex
Yes, I thought there was a bit of a disconnect. I think partly that is because I was responding to the challenge, so I started focusing on the three floors, but then the movie metaphor gate-crashed the poem. I may need to tie them together earlier in the poem, or else be brutal and turf one out on its ear...
I'm assuming you're trying to convey a mind/body separation. I wonder if "single-handed" might be better than "unaccompanied".Certainly sounds better.
Yes it is the mind leaving the body "unaccompanied" (and the contrast with it being *physically* accompanied, because there is a man...

I think "single-handed" would have an unfortunate double meaning??? How about solo? But maybe that isn't quite the same meaning? Hmm, need to ponder this one.
Do you mean "This is nothing, she said" or "This is nothing that she said"?
I mean the latter... e.g. her behaviour isn't anything she ever spoke about.

Thanks Ray! Some good thoughts here...

Ian

Thanks
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:27 am

Antcliff wrote:
Yet through the afternoons her body lingers
unaccompanied in its passion with one man
or another in the first-floor front-room bed.
Possibly "for" might be better than "with"?

Seth
A different meaning I think? "With" just implies physical sex, whereas "for" would almost mean love?

Thanks Seth!
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by bodkin » Mon Dec 16, 2013 11:30 am

mfwilkie wrote:You filled this sonnet with a full-length movie, Bodkin.

Nice to be reading you again.

Maggie
Thanks Maggie!

I have been dithering over which thread to welcome you on...

But this one seems perfectly suitable, so welcome to the board!

Ian
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Re: Flaws (Challenge 3)

Post by ljordan » Thu Dec 19, 2013 9:01 pm

I think I'm a bit hungry for some poems with sound and this has pierced my ears. Like others, the sense isn't all quite clear. Some questions: Why is her body unaccompanied in its passion? I can picture that she as that which is more than her body could be absent, but not sure that's what's said. In the last line would 'going to' the nursery result in arrested character development? I'm not clear what the challenge was, so maybe that would gloss a few questions?

Absolutely lovely sound here.

larry

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