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Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 2:27 am
From his ledger of sounds
came an evening in the alley—
in the alley off third
when the thunder cracked.
It had been an hour since dusk
and the notes he made about rain.
He went there to breathe,
having bitten his lip after all she said;
the juke box drowned her out
with the sounds of ‘Round Midnight
at fifty cents.
She left at the end of May,
amid a racket of doors and soles
when walk-signs flashed their green.
In his ledger he added the thrum
of his fingers on a tabletop
and underlined the calls of birds, noting
how aloof their song could seem.
Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 2:43 pm
I just have one word for this for now, Larry.
Will that do, for now?
N.B. There may be a stewards' enquiry about "thrum".
Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 6:45 pm
Yes, I like it, too. Especially the last 7 lines.
I don't have a problem with thrum - thrumming is (isn't it?) quite a well known word for that activity, presumably because of its onomatopoeic quality.
Posted: Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:45 pm
I'm not sure I quite understand the first four lines...is the claim that the cracking of thunder reminds him of a certain evening in an alley?
Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 11:10 am
I'm a little confused about how he enters something from the ledger of sounds - but it's such a great idea (and obviously hard to tie to someone's actual movement) that I'm not sure it's a real problem. I enjoyed the ending particularly.
Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:27 pm
I love the quirkiness of this, Larry, but - subjectively - I'm wanting N to be a little more "psycho" and a little less "anorak".
Posted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:45 pm
It's a long time since I've seen "thrum", but not long enough. Apart from that, the ending is very nice. It has a nice rhythm to it, though I'd have liked "amid" at the end of the previous line.
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:39 am
Thanks for the notes, sorry for the delayed response. Yeah, suspected thrum as worn out, but? Good notes, will mull.
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 12:05 pm
I like this very much indeed.
I think you have a missing close single quote in the song name?
"thrum" is OK for me, but then I am less sensitive to these things. I like the way it is sort of a pun with "fingers" (e.g. if you read it "thumb")...
Posted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 12:30 pm
Larry, if anyone has a ledger of sounds I imagine it is you. What a stunning idea, expressed with simplicity and grace. Thrum is problematic, so how about a nod to that?
With a wince, to his ledger he added the thrum
Just a thought. Any ledger of sounds worth its salt does require a thrum.