Fortified

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Ros
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Fortified

Post by Ros » Sun Jun 09, 2013 11:07 am

At times the nutrients you need
are hard to come by: trace elements
found in an onion's midnight sprouting,
sea-grey taken from the shell of turtle eggs
amassed below a falling tide. Sometimes

when stretching out to take a hand
you're searching for a certain whorl
of fingerprint, a map of creases leading
to the fingers you're familiar with, the ones
that drip-feed reassurance straight to the vein.

~
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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twoleftfeet
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Re: Fortified

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:43 pm

Very good, Ros - wonderful ending.

S1
The examples sound extremely convincing, as if they've come straight from the pages of Dr Culpeper.
(Maybe they have?) Nice.

S2
I'm not convinced by the "fingerprint" metaphor - it's a little too fanciful for my tastes, but taken together with the "map of creases" it does the job. It did leave me wondering, though, whether you have a microscope to hand 24/7? :)

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Ros
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Re: Fortified

Post by Ros » Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:53 pm

twoleftfeet wrote:. It did leave me wondering, though, whether you have a microscope to hand 24/7? :)
Of course, Geoff - aren't you careful who you hold hands with? Thanks for the read!

Ros
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ray miller
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Re: Fortified

Post by ray miller » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:37 pm

Second half is great, I really like it

a map of creases leading
to the fingers you're familiar with,

I struggle to relate it to the first verse, though
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Fortified

Post by Antcliff » Mon Jun 10, 2013 1:10 pm

Liked the first stanza very much and the end.

One point seems a bit elaborate. Might change this:

a map of creases leading
to the fingers you're familiar with,

to..

a map of creases leading
to familiar fingers,


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Arian
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Re: Fortified

Post by Arian » Mon Jun 10, 2013 6:37 pm

ray miller wrote:Second half is great, I really like it

a map of creases leading
to the fingers you're familiar with,
Ditto. And, as Ray says, those lines are outstanding.

For me, the 2nd half isn't a non-sequitur, I can see the narrative logic, but the first part doesn't have the poetic quality of rest.

Cheers
peter

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Re: Fortified

Post by oranggunung » Mon Jun 10, 2013 11:10 pm

Hi Ros

I liked the journey and the resolution.

My one minor bump was finding “fingers” after “fingerprint”. Might “digits” serve as a substitute?

Being a cantankerous tinkerer, I also wondered about splitting “trace elements”. Something along the lines of

hard to trace: elements found


enjoyed

og

Ros
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Re: Fortified

Post by Ros » Fri Jun 14, 2013 7:52 pm

Thank you, everyone. Still struggling with fingerprints and fingers, and may revise the first section somewhat.

Ros
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Re: Fortified

Post by David2 » Wed Jun 19, 2013 6:22 pm

Ros, so sciency again! I know it's your thing, that you know and love, and sometimes it pays terrific poetic dividends, but I'd quite like to read what you would do with this without the scientific props. So kick off your shoes. Slip out of that lab coat. Have a martini!

Or am I just being frivolous again? (A-Level Arts. English, French and German. Say no more. Tais-toi. Ruhe! Und so weiter.)

Cheers

David

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Re: Fortified

Post by Ros » Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:55 am

It is my thing! Don't you think with this sort of poem it's hard to make it stand out from every other poem about needing someone? but I will rise to the challenge... particularly if you're offering martinis. (arts A levels here too, actually!)

ros
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Re: Fortified

Post by Macavity » Fri Jun 21, 2013 1:54 am

hi Ros

fingerprint - proof, evidence, impression

I thought the title dull, reassurance feels a bit flat too...perhaps because I really enjoyed the rest of the writing.

mac

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Re: Fortified

Post by ljordan » Fri Jun 21, 2013 2:22 am

Not sure I get anything from the idea of fingers drip-feeding into a vein. Also find the images trying to illuminate the premise that 'nutrients we need are hard to come by' fall a bit short. They are interesting but disconnected to S2?

larry

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Re: Fortified

Post by David2 » Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:11 pm

Ros wrote:It is my thing! Don't you think with this sort of poem it's hard to make it stand out from every other poem about needing someone?
No, you're dead right, it is. So the impulse is exactly right.

Getting all - or slightly - specificky, it's probably the first verse that I find more difficult, as - and this may well be the idea - it seems that you might be addressing almost anything from lichen to something much higher up the evolutionary ladder. I quite like V2, but I'm having trouble with the idea of searching for a certain whorl of fingerprint (unless this is in fact synecdoche - or do I mean metonymy? - and therefore fine).

Cheers

David

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Re: Fortified

Post by Ros » Sun Jun 23, 2013 11:01 am

Thanks, David - I'm rewriting it in a non-scientific sense, but it's not working yet.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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