Time to get up (v2)

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Antcliff
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Time to get up (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Wed May 22, 2013 6:16 pm

v2


Hand me my shoes and britches,
my clumsiness, my silhouette,

my lusts, those two deft fists,
the halo hanging by the lintel,

and all the blue immensity
to tumble in the blunders,

the ribbons and the glory buttons,
my luminous and little will.





v1
Hand me my shoes and britches,
my clumsiness, my silhouette,

those two deft fists, my lusts,
my halo hanging by the lintel,

the blue immensity of space,
the glow and glare, the blunders,

the ribbons and the glory buttons,
my luminous and little will.



(One of the re-mix poems...viewtopic.php?f=47&t=18428)
Last edited by Antcliff on Fri May 24, 2013 12:07 pm, edited 4 times in total.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

ray miller
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Re: Time to get up

Post by ray miller » Wed May 22, 2013 7:58 pm

I like this a lot. The penultimate line "stuck out" and I guess it's the lack of a pronoun or article before ribbons. But I love the last line.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Antcliff
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Re: Time to get up

Post by Antcliff » Wed May 22, 2013 8:07 pm

Thanks very much Ray,

Yes, I deleted the article on "buttons" as I posted it. Worried that it was a bit article heavy. Mistake...I'll restore it. Thanks.

Pleased about the last line.

I was a bit loathed to call this "found" since only the individual words are in the novel....marginal case.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Time to get up

Post by Ros » Wed May 22, 2013 8:23 pm

Nicely done. If anything I'd say

the blue immensity of space,
the glow and glare, the blunders,

is slightly less strong than the rest, because it's rather general and I'm having trouble picturing the specific character. But very enjoyable.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Antcliff
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Re: Time to get up

Post by Antcliff » Fri May 24, 2013 10:26 am

Thanks Ros,

yeh. That line needs work. Hmm.

seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Time to get up (v2)

Post by ljordan » Fri May 24, 2013 1:14 pm

Liking this, too. Agree about the 'blue' line and at first I had difficulties with the last line as too 'telly.' Will is such an abstract it drains the life out of the poem. However, in context with Faulkner, it seems apropos. It does leave the poem wobbly, should it try to stand on its own...

larry

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Re: Time to get up (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Sat May 25, 2013 12:01 pm

Thanks for your thoughts here Larry. Glad it appealed.

I'm not sure if it will stand alone. Part of a sequence maybe.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Time to get up (v2)

Post by Macavity » Mon May 27, 2013 1:40 pm

Hand me my shoes and britches,
my clumsiness, my silhouette,
hi Seth,
Good opening hook, very direct and immediate, neat progression from concrete to abstract. The revision of tumble worked for me, added some verb action into the description. Like some of the sound patterns here, silhouette/deft being one.

cheers

mac

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Re: Time to get up (v2)

Post by Ros » Thu May 30, 2013 1:52 pm

I like the revision, though I'm still not sure what the blunders refers to. As you say, as part of something bigger it would work well.

Ros
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Re: Time to get up (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Thu May 30, 2013 3:56 pm

Thanks Ros and Mac for taking a look at the revision. Helpful both, thanks again.

(Ros. Blunders...well...just the usual blunders of life.)


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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