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For V, at this time of year

Posted: Wed May 08, 2013 6:53 pm
by David2
Sometimes, even now, I study you
unseen, your dainty hand raised to your lips
that pout and purse in turn. You chew
them thoughtfully, while reading, between sips
of Lady Grey. The matter's not abstruse -
some gardening magazine - for what's the use
of dipping into worlds that don't exist
with this one just outside, where things need doing:
pruning, planting, weeding, mowing ...
there's always something. You've got a list.

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:29 pm
by Arian
In my view, your best for some time, David: tight, sharp, pointed, amusing, dry.

It's the dryness, for me, that makes it; turns it from a good piece into a very good piece indeed, skilfully blending gentle criticality with affection; making the point that, ultimately, it's idiosyncrasies that are the stuff of love, not clich├ęd ideas of perfection. The last line, softly pointed, is excellent. On a technical level, great use of end rhyme.

In short, very good. Indeed.

Peter

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Wed May 08, 2013 8:25 pm
by twoleftfeet
Well, I did try to find fault with this poem,David, I really did, but having failed miserably I suppose I'll just have to agree
with Peter.

"Abstruse" - le mot juste.

Can it really be, though, that none of the tasks on "the list" get delegated? :)

Geoff

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Wed May 08, 2013 9:25 pm
by Ros
I agree - very fine. I did wonder about 'dainty' - doesn't seem to go with hands that prune and plant.

Ros.

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Thu May 09, 2013 11:12 am
by ray miller
Very nice, last 5 lines or so especially. There might be a better rhyme than doing and mowing. Growing springs to mind.

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Thu May 09, 2013 1:11 pm
by ljordan
I read this last night and it gave me pause. I noted how the poem had a rhyming couplet at its middle like a hinge. It reflects wonderfully the alternating of the 'reading' versus the 'doing' I stumble a bit at the idea of the magazine being about gardening. I wonder if its proximity to the acts of 'doing' are too close to provide veracity for the line about 'worlds that do not exist'? Lastly, does the time of year really figure in the poem as the title suggests. I perceive the relationship as one of with a bit more tenure and not spring-like, perhaps closer to the end of summer. Just a though. Great image.

larry

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Thu May 09, 2013 8:15 pm
by Macavity
I presumed the dainty hand was hers, and the working hand was his to complete the list set by her. Her real world exists in the magazine and it is for him to do. The lady does not soil her dainty hand :) Or perhaps the list is made by her for her, but doesn't progress while the chores expand. Tea drinking and reading mags sounds fine by me.

The affection in the observation, the fascination and distance, was convincing.

mac

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Fri May 10, 2013 6:11 am
by Mic
There is a characteristic Davidness about this, but I'm not as taken with it as I am with many of your other poems. It doesn't seeem to quite achieve that un-pin-down-able thing your poems can acheive sometimes.

I didn't spot the rhyme scheme at first - you do do subversive end rhyme schemes very well!

I wasn't keen on 'dainty' hand. And for some reason 'chew' is just a bit too far way from 'lips' and I find myself having to pause to work out what is being chewed (my attention span may be the problem).

I can hear the amused love and affection, and the poem is a nice one, but not a, you know....

Mic

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Sun May 12, 2013 1:13 pm
by Antcliff
Has the "My Fair Lady Award" been given in a while?...I think not..so here it is:


Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Tue May 14, 2013 4:51 pm
by JamesM
David

Conscious of the recent ho hum about in depth Crits.....Still a fly by is all I have time for.
I almost stopped at, "dainty".. but after several reads, it is, "dainty" that is key to this for me.
Well, one of the keys. Peter put it well: enduring relationship, but I love the sly affection also...
very David- cunning- honesty....I have complained about it in the past but here it hits, and maintains the perfect note.

regards
James

Re: For V, at this time of year

Posted: Sun May 19, 2013 7:23 pm
by David2
It seems to have taken me far too long to reply to everyone's comments. Even if it's only to say thanks for all the kind remarks. Sorry about that.
twoleftfeet wrote:Can it really be, though, that none of the tasks on "the list" get delegated?
I do the unskilled labour.
Ros wrote: I did wonder about 'dainty' - doesn't seem to go with hands that prune and plant.
Oddly enough - and I do see what you mean - it is exactly the right word. As James, uncannily, has said. (Mac, that dainty hand does its share of the green-fingered stuff. Just more skilfully.)
ray miller wrote:There might be a better rhyme than doing and mowing. Growing springs to mind.
Well spotted, Ray! You're dead right. I had meant to say "sowing". "Mowing" doesn't even get listed. It's just taken for granted.

Seth, thanks for the MFLA! (That could stand for something altogether less flattering.)

Cheers all

David