Lost Flip-Flop

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camus
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Lost Flip-Flop

Post by camus » Mon May 06, 2013 1:07 am

Revised

you know
don't you
when a
single pronged
footwear product
appears
alone
on the edge
of a
cliff
bright as
venus
on a clarion
mooned night
that a life
has been
lived

Original

you know
don't you
when a
single pronged
footwear product
appears
alone
on the edge
of a
cliff
bright as
venus
on a cloudy
day
that a life
has been
lived
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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by Arian » Mon May 06, 2013 11:47 am

I really like this. Sharp, aphoristic, well observed. I like the lexical symbolism in its cliff-like structure. If you had line breaks after footwear and bright, you'd also have the key subject nouns on the edge of that cliff. Overly subtle maybe. Anyway, a nice piece, whatever.

cheers
peter

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon May 06, 2013 12:50 pm

Great word choice for the ending, Kris - nicely ambiguous and ties in perfectly with the title.

I can see why you've chosen one-word-per-line for "appears", "alone", "cliff" and "lived".

Personally, if it was my poem (which I wish it was) I would organise the text to resemble a classic cartoon cliff:

you know don't you when a
single pronged footwear
product appears alone
on the edge of a cliff
bright as venus on
a cloudy day
that a life
has been
lived


I expect that the line-breaks will generate as much comment as the rest of the poem (Dons tin-hat..)

Unless you are aiming for a punctuation-free poem:
Do you need a question mark somewhere (at the end of line 2 or after "lived") ?
"venus" or "Venus"?

Geoff
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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by camus » Mon May 06, 2013 1:13 pm

Thanks guys, I'll ponder the breaks.

The cartoon cliff idea is very tempting, maybe a little too Roadrunner? Mmmmm, great suggestion though Geoff.

cheers
Kris
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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon May 06, 2013 1:24 pm

camus wrote:Thanks guys, I'll ponder the breaks.

The cartoon cliff idea is very tempting, maybe a little too Roadrunner? Mmmmm, great suggestion though Geoff.

cheers
Kris
That's who I was thinking of!!! (or rather poor old Wile E. Coyote)
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by ray miller » Tue May 07, 2013 6:51 am

I like the straightfacedness of "appears alone"and "that a life has been lived". Could do without "don't you", sounds smug. bright as venus on a cloudy day - chances are you won't see venus on a cloudy day.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by camus » Tue May 07, 2013 4:39 pm

chances are you won't see venus on a cloudy day.
Good point! I think I know what i was trying to say, but didn't.

As for the smug bit, maybe?

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by Antcliff » Tue May 07, 2013 4:54 pm

Kris,

I'm voting for "Don't you". At first I wondered whether it did much, but then I read it as directed towards something common in this context..a kind of denial.

"You know"....."well, no, not really".
"C'mon, you do, don't you?".."okay".

Seth
...although perhaps the larger seagulls lift such things around.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by ljordan » Tue May 07, 2013 5:29 pm

This phrase threw me out of the poem; it reads like a label on the side of a box, translated to English from Japanese:
single pronged
footwear product
The image is a bit sparse; a shoe left at cliff's edge: almost a cliche? However there is something more here with life = missing sandal and play on other senses of flip-flop? Left one behind just in case?

larry

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by Macavity » Tue May 07, 2013 8:42 pm

you know
don't you
I like how that brings the reader in, even if they don't know, they are not likely to admit it. The ending is open, so the knowledge is not really there. I like that kind of play. The fact it is a flip-flop, not just a shoe, colours the image for me - as does the forensic 'single pronged/footwear product.' I was thinking the evidence could suggest that venus, goddess of love, brightening a cloudy day :) On the negative side the ending could simply reflect something more terminal.

cheers

mac

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by Mic » Fri May 10, 2013 6:20 am

There is something compelling about this - my first reading of it produced a strong sensation. I very much like that ambiguous ending, and the bit of work that the reader needs to do to 'parse' it. I'm not sure that it all bears scrutiny - but then it doesn't need to (to me at least, it just works) - so I'd not mess around with it too much.

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by David2 » Thu May 16, 2013 7:00 pm

Great stuff, Kris. It's very WCW - has anybody said that yet? - very red wheelbarrow.
ray miller wrote:bright as venus on a cloudy day - chances are you won't see venus on a cloudy day.
Yeah, I thought that too.

I like it a lot, but I really hope it isn't trying to be a cliff-like structure. I hope it's just great line breaks.

Cheers

David

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by Lexi » Fri May 17, 2013 8:21 am

Hi
I enjoyed reading you short, to the point, poem. Fabulous imagery. Gets better with each read. I personally would loose 'don't you,' as I feel it would be a stronger poem without.
Lexi

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by Elphin » Fri May 17, 2013 10:14 am

Clarion mooned night --- nah, you cant get away with that, Kris. Far too "poety".

Keep it simple - bright as venus on the clearest/sharpest/cloudless (or similar) night.

I like Peter's suggestions on positioning of subject nouns. Geoff's structure is interesting too -- although I think yours is slightly more shambolic in a visual sense and therefore I would proabbly stick with it, more a sense of falling.

Like

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Re: Lost Flip-Flop

Post by camus » Fri May 17, 2013 12:41 pm

Thanks David,

Blame Geoff for planting the "cliff-like structure" although I did like his roadrunner like idea.
Clarion mooned night --- nah, you cant get away with that, Kris. Far too "poety".
I agree Elph, in the light of day far too "poety" I'll change to the simpler version and be done with it.
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