Snapshot

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Mic
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Snapshot

Post by Mic » Sat Feb 23, 2013 10:52 am

........(1975)

and I'm

in a blue dress
with red buttons

on a wall
behind dad and

and the sea
is going backwards

the sky‘s so high up
and see how big mummy’s tummy is and

click


......
Last edited by Mic on Sat Feb 23, 2013 9:29 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Snapshot

Post by Antcliff » Sat Feb 23, 2013 2:00 pm

Enjoyed it! Very Mic-ish.

Initially I wasn't sure about opening on the "and". However, I can see you have a double "and" later and the repeating and is part of it....as if there is a child narrating? Is that the idea? I remember my nephew first starting to tell me stories and saying "and" and "and" over and over, as if he had suddenly grasped the idea of a narrative!

Click!

Seth
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Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Arian
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Re: Snapshot

Post by Arian » Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:08 pm

Very good, Michalea.

I get that feeling, too, sometimes. When you see a photo of yourself as a very young child you can remember (or you think you can) exactly what you were thinking when the camera's shutter clicked. And you're right: the memory ends with the click. Strange. Good idea, well executed.

Cheers
peter

Mic
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Re: Snapshot

Post by Mic » Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:36 pm

Thanks Peter. Glad the strangeness comes across. It is wierd isn't it?

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Snapshot

Post by Macavity » Mon Feb 25, 2013 6:44 pm

hi mic
I like the fact you begin with an 'and' and end with an 'and', the implication of before and after, the fluidity of time and framing of the moment. I also like the sea going backwards to mirror the going back in time. But not sure about 'and and', authentic, but feels 'awkward'...just a feeling.

mac

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Re: Snapshot

Post by David2 » Mon Feb 25, 2013 7:23 pm

Very nice, but I think I'd prefer it without the "click" - it just seems to telegraph the ending too much. I'd stop at that last "and" ...

Cheers

David

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Re: Snapshot

Post by dedalus » Tue Feb 26, 2013 11:40 am

Weird, but good weird! It does come across as a child talking. And I think the final 'Click' (sorry, Davo!) fits the story.

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Re: Snapshot

Post by Elphin » Tue Feb 26, 2013 1:38 pm

Well captured mic, great phrasing.

I agree with ded ...... Keep the click, it brings a finality to the poem.

Strange to say but another "and" before the sky might be needed to maintain the breathlessness.

Well done

elph

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Re: Snapshot

Post by oranggunung » Tue Feb 26, 2013 5:44 pm

Hi Mic

I like the simplicity of the idea here, as well as the breathless narrative.

The most confusing aspect for me is the title.

There appears to be the word Snapshot, followed by an ellipsis, followed by a date. As if the date were the first line of the poem.


Is it supposed to be like this:

Snapshot (1975)

… and I’m


??

og

Mic
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Re: Snapshot

Post by Mic » Wed Feb 27, 2013 7:51 am

David2 wrote:Very nice, but I think I'd prefer it without the "click" - it just seems to telegraph the ending too much. I'd stop at that last "and" ...

Cheers David. Hmmm. I quite liked the click, the sound and finality of it, and the way it suddenly takes the reader out of the N's head, that switch from internal chatter to external event, and, perhaps, the fleeting sense of the presence behind the camera (of course this is only my reckoning of it, it may well not come across like this. Probably doesn't, actually!)
Macavity wrote:hi mic
I like the fact you begin with an 'and' and end with an 'and', the implication of before and after, the fluidity of time and framing of the moment. I also like the sea going backwards to mirror the going back in time. But not sure about 'and and', authentic, but feels 'awkward'...just a feeling.

mac
Thanks Mac. The number of ands in this is something I've toyed around with quite a lot, as you can imaging. Elph would like another, you argue for fewer and
dedalus wrote:Weird, but good weird! It does come across as a child talking. And I think the final 'Click' (sorry, Davo!) fits the story.
Thanks ded. After really thinking about David's suggestion to eliminatie the click, I have, I think, decided to keep it.
Elphin wrote:Well captured mic, great phrasing.

I agree with ded ...... Keep the click, it brings a finality to the poem.

Strange to say but another "and" before the sky might be needed to maintain the breathlessness.

Well done

elph
Thanks elph. re the and before sky, do you think? I did have one there orginally, but somehow felt it created to much predicatbility ...

Og - it's a good question. The '(1975)' is not quite a part of the poem, and isn't quite a part of the title either. It's sort of in between the title and the poem. I think I just liked the look of it there (the dots are just there because that's the only way to create those spaces to push a word along the page).


Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi

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Re: Snapshot

Post by brianedwards » Thu Feb 28, 2013 12:46 am

Agree with other suggestions here: add "and" before sky and ditch the click.

Lovely pacing here Michaela. I've noticed that's a strength in your writing.

B.

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Re: Snapshot

Post by pseud » Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:49 am

I'm pro "click."

:lol:

Happy choosing,
Pseud
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Re: Snapshot

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Mar 03, 2013 2:43 pm

pseud wrote:I'm pro "click."

:lol:

Happy choosing,
Pseud
me too (although Cheese! would be a decent alternative)

"and the sea is going backwards"
- is just the endearingly cute type of observation a child might make. Top marks for that.
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Snapshot

Post by brianedwards » Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:34 am

I'm warming to "click" Michaela.

B.

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Re: Snapshot

Post by Arian » Tue Mar 05, 2013 7:59 pm

I'd say the click is pretty much integral to the poem. It ends the piece in the way the memory ends. Not just abruptly, but with an actual click.

Ah, those were the days, weren't they? When camera's clicked.

Cheers
peter

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Re: Snapshot

Post by David2 » Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:37 am

I have won the victory over myself. I love click. No really, I do now.

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Re: Snapshot

Post by ljordan » Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:07 pm

Delightful, can't add to the notes.

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Re: Snapshot

Post by camus » Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:26 pm

WCW obviously springs to mind.

It's poems like this that non-poets just wouldn't "get". I like that, complexity in simplicity.

Nice.

Verdict is still out on the "click". I'm veering towards the pro click though.
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Re: Snapshot

Post by Pauline » Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:51 pm

You most definitely need the click.
It captures the moment.
The snapshot.
I love all the And sounds.
It adds to the childish memory.
Simple and effective.
Great stuff. :)

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