After the Gale

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Antcliff
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After the Gale

Post by Antcliff » Wed Jan 23, 2013 8:36 pm

I’m sawing through the fallen willow
when, feet away, a robin bobs into view.
Our eyes don’t quite meet, but we know.

It hid from the gale inside the tilted shed—
a good idea. And here’s another—
stop, go to the house for peanuts,

spread them on a toppled door.
Will it notice? The gifts are in its beak
by the time I place the saw to start again.

Shed, nuts, no wind. Robin utopia.
Better for a human too, that burst of red
through these broken branches.
Last edited by Antcliff on Sat Jan 26, 2013 1:17 pm, edited 6 times in total.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: After the Gale

Post by Ros » Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:01 pm

Enjoyed this, Seth - simple but effective. Can't think of any particular other comment at the moment - except that on first reading I didn't connect the idea of an idea with ' And here’s another—' - subconsciously was trying to link it to robin, or shed.

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ljordan
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Re: After the Gale

Post by ljordan » Thu Jan 24, 2013 7:50 pm

Like this. Should willows be singular? it is in an instant the robin is in view and one can't saw through more than one fallen tree at a time.
Also the line -- Better for a human too, threw me out of the poem. I don't have a good suggestion; it can't be nixed as it's not inferred and the idea is integral, perhaps stay in pov with 'me' -- 'Better still for me, that burst of red' ?

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Re: After the Gale

Post by Mic » Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:47 pm

Yes, very nice - especially that burst of red through branches. Agree with Larry that it may work better to stick with the 'me' pov

Mic
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Antcliff
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Re: After the Gale

Post by Antcliff » Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:48 pm

Thanks Larry,
Should willows be singular?


Right you are!
Will look again at that ending.

Thanks Mic,
Agree with Larry that it may work better to stick with the 'me' pov
Okay, will ponder. Maybe "this" human, perhaps..

Thanks Ros,
I have tweaked that "another" line.


Thanks all,
we are still in the gale season. Bring on spring!

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: After the Gale

Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Jan 26, 2013 1:05 pm

Lovely ending, Seth.


In S1
You've got an ongoing action (sawing) interacting with a sudden appearance
so perhaps "when" rather than "and" in L2 ?

Geoff
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Antcliff
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Re: After the Gale

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jan 26, 2013 1:23 pm

In S1
You've got an ongoing action (sawing) interacting with a sudden appearance
so perhaps "when" rather than "and" in L2 ?
Geoff,
thanks!

And yeh that makes sense. Good idea.

I'm not content with the way this dances as yet. Hmm.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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